


Dark Fool

by Conduitstreetcat, TheGreenFaerie



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Cats, Dark Fairy Tale Elements, Feels, Happy Ending, M/M, Sex, Snarky familiar, Violence, mormor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-09-12 10:08:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 84,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16870990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Conduitstreetcat/pseuds/Conduitstreetcat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreenFaerie/pseuds/TheGreenFaerie
Summary: In a move no one could have foreseen, TheGreenFaerie and Conduitstreetcat decided to write a Faerie story - with cats.Jim Moriarty gets a visit from a special cat, and even his cold black heart is moved. Sebastian Moran is less pleased about the new housemate, until he sees the effect it has on Jim... but then Jim takes a turn for the even weirder.Will Jim follow his destiny? Will Sebastian follow Jim following his destiny? Will you, reader, follow Sebastian following Jim following his destiny? Are you still following this?Then enter the realm of the Dark Fool...





	1. The Cat

^-^

"Meow! Meow, meow, meow!! Meow!! MEOW!!! _MEOWWWWWWWW!!!_ "

~Will you open this _bloody_ door, I'm getting a sore throat. How deaf are you?~

 

 

_I continue to tap away on my laptop, ignoring the sounds around me. I need to figure out how Stanislovksi got his sweaty hands on that information before I did - greedy fucker._

_Is that... *meowing*? I look up in annoyance... did someone let their cat out into *my hallway*?_

 

 

^-^

"MEEEEEE" fucking "OWWWWWWWW!!!"

Trust the bloody Boss to choose someone in bloody London. It's taken me days to get here, and this building is locked up tighter than a miser's purse. Come _on_ , Champ, I know you can hear me...

 

 

_"Oh *god*," I shout. "If you don't keep your noisy creatures out of the fucking hallway... they won't be in the fucking hallway for long!"_

_Silence and then a loud shrieking meow to wake the dead._

_"Jesus Christ!" I snap, throw my laptop onto the sofa, and storm to the door._

_I throw it open and look down._

_Oh... *pretty* kitty…_

 

 

^-^

~ _Finally!_ What the fuck were you doing in there? Do I want to know?~

I look you up and down. Scrawny little fellow for a Champion. I prefer the big butch ones. Still, you have a gleam of intelligence in your eye, so that's good. You look irritated when you open the door, but suitably impressed when you see me. Yeah, I'm a sight for sore eyes - all black fluff and green eyes.

~So, let me in and let's have a chat.~

I walk into the hallway, through the open door, where there's a sofa with a hotbox. Good, I like hotboxes. I jump on it.

 

 

_I watch with amusement as the kitty just wanders in as if she (?) owns the place, or anyplace she wants (I know the feeling, sweetheart)... and then jumps on my laptop, which is still open to a deep web messaging forum._

_"Oh *god*..." I lunge at the kitty, who looks at me with disdain before hopping off - but not before typing and sending_ aieuryn w9n8 _to one of my men who's in Russia._

 _I watch as_ Is that code? _appears on the screen._

_Fuck's sake. I look over at the kitty who's licking her paw and looking smug._

Yes. Figure it out. _I type back, and pick up the cat. "No, missy... we do not send messages to covert operatives in the field... that is very bad... very bad... oh, you *are* a beautiful girl, aren't you? *Such* a beautiful girl... where did you come from, darling?"_

 

 

^-^

~Ex _cuse_ you. I'm a beautiful boy. Look between my legs - I bet they're bigger than yours. And stop being so possessive over your toys.~

Yet I still purr, because pettings are pettings, and you've got dexterous fingers.

~Right. Time for the spiel. I have come from far across the sea, from the Emerald Isle, where...~

"Who's a pretty kitty then?"

~Pardon me. I was talking. The Emerald Isle, where your Lord~

"Would pretty kitty like some ham?"

~Yes, please. And some water, after I've meowed my throat raw. But first let me tell you about-~

You're walking off.

Bugger.

You don't hear a word I say, do you?

~Oi! Meathead! Ugly face! Your mother was a dog!~

 

 

_"Stop with the caterwauling, precious... or you're being tossed from the window," I yell back fondly. In the kitchen, I paw through the refrigerator with annoyance. Why didn't Sebastian organize after the last time I tore it apart? I was looking for cherries and he told me we didn't have any and I insisted I'd seen them behind something, and I took everything out of the fridge to prove my point. Instead of admitting I was wrong however, I insisted he go out and find me some - even though it was after eleven at night... *my*, was he grumpy about it..._

_and he didn't even clean the mess I made first, just left me by myself to throw everything back in._

_I miss him... *no*, I mean, I need him... *NO*, I mean..._

when is Sebastian getting back???

_"Yes, I *hear* you kitty, it won't help me find the ham any quicker with you screaming at me, sweetie!!" I yell back through gritted teeth._

_My hands close on the package. I turn and grab a plate and head back into the living room, quite contrite._

_"I'm so sorry, my angel. Daddy didn't mean to yell... have some lovely ham, there you are... and I'll get you some fresh water, too..."_

_I shred some pieces of ham on the plate, and place it in front of the kitty. She's looking at me like I'm a moron, which isn't unusual for feline types. But I could swear I can actually hear her think the words._

 

 

^-^

Great. Absolutely fucking great. I come _all the way_ over here, crossing land and sea, and you're fucking deaf. Trust the Boss to choose a deaf fool. And not warn me, of course, where would be the fun in that?

I eat my ham, fuming. It's too cold.

Now what? I can hardly pull your trouser cuff all the way to Connemara. Dammit.

I can't get in touch with the Boss - too far. There are no other operatives nearby, as far as I can tell.

I can't come back without you - he'd skin me alive and hang me up for the hummingbirds to feast on.

I'm going to have to go slow and use _tricks_ , don't I?

...establish a bond... get him when he is in liminal states, like half asleep, feverish, or on drugs... meditate to strengthen your inner voice...

Ugh, _really_? I'm going to have to establish a _bond_ with this... human; hang around when he's sleeping to see if I can get a word in? Stay in this monstrosity of concrete, fumes, and steel where I can't breathe the land?

Seething, I lap my water. It tastes abysmal.

 

 

_"Yes? You like your treats? Now are you going to stay with me, or is some eejit from downstairs going to come looking for you?" I frown at the thought of having to deal with some rich twat in the building without murdering them... and also - *Eejit*? Where did that come from?? It's not like I start using Irish slang when I'm alone... I've worked very hard to purge all traces of my former lexicon from my speech. It was too difficult to get rid of the accent entirely, and it always crept back whenever I got angry or annoyed anyway..._

_"Hmm, kitty?" I ask, distracted now. "Do I need to order a litter tray and food for you? Or are you just popping by for a visit?"_

_I sit down on the sofa, and pull the laptop back onto my thighs. "I need to get some more work done, my dear. Would you like to sit next to me, pretty girl?"_

 

 

^-^

~Do I need to shove my balls into your face? You're not very perceptive, are you?~

I sigh. I'm trying to think at you as hard as I can, but you're deaf as a post. I guess there's nothing for it but to stick around, try to get close to you. I could do with a nap - preferably on the hotbox, but you're looking at it possessively and moving your hands over it, so I guess that's not going to happen. But it's been a _long_ journey and it's going to be a _long_ slog to get you to fucking _listen_ , so I might as well...

I yawn, perform the three warding circles, and curl up, my head against your thigh.

 

 

_Awww. Pretty girl... I scratch the kitty behind the ears, and rub her jaw and she begins to purr._

_"You get comfy," I croon. "If anyone comes looking for you, they may just find themselves falling down the stairs. So treacherous..."_

_I pull out my phone and send a text to Sebastian._

When are you coming home? We need kitty litter. And a tray. And food. ETA?

 

 

What. The. Fuck. Jim.

You did _not_ get a kitten. We talked about this. We go away all the time, we can't have people come into the apartment to take care of it, and for _fuck_ 's sake, why do you _do_ these things?! You and your _fucking_ impulsiveness!

It's been a _fucking_ long day, getting Derrigan to agree to _anything_ was like getting blood from a stone, and I just wanted to come home, have a shower and a beer, and collapse.

And now I have to pick up fucking cat litter and a litter tray. Where am I going to find a fucking litter tray at nine in the evening?! _And_ have a discussion with you about fucking pets. Really, the last thing I want.

I growl, text back: _WTF Jim. 45 minutes. No litter tray in Tesco's._

 

 

_I scowl at your text. Jesus, Moran... it was a simple question, and I was very polite..._

Testy! Make it 30. Kitty's hungry. Me too - bring cherries

_I laugh as I throw the phone on the table._

_"Sebastian is going to be furious, yes he is!" I say to the kitty who's blinking at me slowly. "But he's going to bring you everything you need, my sweet. You're just going to cover your little ears when he gets through the door. There may be some adult language. And adult violence..."_

 

 

Fucking cat litter only comes in fucking great big bags that are fucking heavy. I don't know what kind of fucking cat you got so I got some fucking kitten food and if it's not good enough it can catch a fucking mouse. There are no fucking cherries in Tesco's - it's fucking April. You will get fucking raspberries and be fucking grateful for them.

I get two four-packs of Stella and two packets of fags for myself - I think I'm going to need them.

Fuck your rules about not getting fucking taxis to the fucking apartment - I'm not carrying this lot for more than three blocks, alright?

I'm fuming as I'm stomping through the hall, dropping the groceries on the floor to get my key in the door.

God, Jim, you better not be in a difficult mood, or tonight might be the night that I finally snap and kill you...

 

 

_I hear army booted-stomping in the hall, and thumps on the floor._

_There's fumbling with the key, muffled cursing._

_I smile slowly._

_"Sebastian! Get your arse in here!" I shout. "We're hungry!!"_

_The cursing gets louder and is not at all muffled._

_The kitty raises her head._

_"I know... such a *temper*..." I say sadly, as the door slams open and shut._

_"*There* you are!" I huff. "Did I not say 30 minutes?"_

 

 

^-^

Oh _hello_ \- _that's_ more like it. Now _that_ is Champion material. Big, burly, muscular, and very handsome for a human. Moves with grace and agility, like a fighter tom. And looks like he's got two brain cells to rub together as well.

Am I sure I'm here for the short one? Yup, that's the one... too bad.

But it looks like this is his life-mate or something... Though currently he looks like he's tempted to kill both of us.

Still, It would be rude not to introduce myself.

I jump up and run to his legs, rub my scent round them. Wouldn't do to let other cats think he's not taken.

 

 

Jim, I _swear_ I am going to feed you this fucking cat litter if you don't shut the _fuck_ up _right_ now.

There's a black blob lying next to you, which jumps up and charges at me. I resist the urge to kick it away. It starts rubbing all around my feet.

"Fuck off cat - careful, or I'll tread on you."

I try to make my way round it, but it manages to constantly be where I want to put my feet.

Finally I make it to the sofa, drop down on it, open a beer, take a big gulp, light a cigarette.

Right. Hope I can deal with reality now. I don't like reality. Especially not when it jumps on my lap and starts kneading my crotch.

"What. Is this."

 

 

_"This is what's called a *kitty*, Sebastian... and it's a lovely kitty and sweet kitty and she chose *me* and now she's going to live here! Isn't that right, precious?" I croon at your crotch._

_The kitty flips over, stretching her legs and her little toes, and rubs her head against your hip._

_"Hmmph. She likes you..." I say, scowling._

_You glance at the kitty looking up at you flirtatiously and extending her paws._

_"It's a *he*..." you mutter._

_"What?" I ask, aghast._

_You jerk your chin at the kitty's underfloof. "*He*," you repeat, sounding grouchy, bordering on furious._

_The cat is looking at me smugly, and I feel betrayed._

_"Well... you could have *said* something," I say in an injured voice to the kitty. "Never mind. Would you like some delicious food while Sebastian sets up your litter tray, somewhere that's not in the way?" I wave my hand carelessly at you._

 

 

"Tesco's don't sell litter trays, and the pet shop is closed. Where did you get this? And we're not going to keep it. Bring it back to where it came from. Or if they’re dead, the shelter. We can't have pets, Jim. Who's going to take care of it when we're away? And think of all the cat hair on your suits...

Get your fucking claws out of my leg or I'll skin you, you monster."

 

 

_I'm looking at you with indignation, while the kitty is still rolling and flirting with you._

_"Well, what are we supposed to do with the litter then? You didn't think about that! I *told* you, the kitty *chose* me. I found her - *him* - " I glare at the kitty as he stands and rubs against your torso. "In the hallway. He was meowing and I *had* to let him in. I can't take him back, he'll starve to death! How could you be so cruel?" I ask you plaintively. "Well, we'll have to have a professional cat lady come in every day to feed him and pet him and tell him he's a beautiful boy and use a lint roller on my suits... I *want* him..."_

_The kitty steps delicately off your lap and onto my laptop and types out_ oIFEH ; POIJJJJJJJ.

_"NOOOO!!" I shriek._

 

 

^-^

Mmm, this lap feels _perfect_... Come on, pet me, Champion's minion...

~Tell him to pet me, you moron...~

Ugh, I'm surrounded by idiots. Look at me! Can't you see how adorable I am? Smell me!

Sigh. Right, I'll step on your hotbox as punishment. That seems to wind you up.

 

 

I'm looking at you in utter bafflement. "You won't get a cleaner because it's not safe - but you will get a fucking cat lady?! And it probably belongs to someone in the building. Must have accidentally got in the lift. He looks well taken care of - he's bound to have a home somewhere. We can't keep it and have people knocking on our door trying to get him back, Jim. I best go and check with the other apartments... or maybe put a notice in the lift..."

 

 

 _"You are *not* putting a notice in the lift, because then they'll know where the cat went!" I shout, while lifting the cat off my laptop. He jumps out of my hands, springs off the laptop -_ RNGF _\- and knocks a vase off the table as he shoots like a rocket into the kitchen. "Now look, you upset him! Come back, kitty! Start thinking of a name... if he has a name, he's clearly ours... why would they knock on *our* door, we look perfectly respectable. Well, *I* do... maybe you should start wearing a suit until all this blows over... and do you have any idea how many cat ladies there must be in the city? If one gets nosy, we'll get rid of her and find another one! What do you think of She-Ra, Princess of Power? Goddammit, why does it have to be a boy?"_

 

 

^-^

~He didn’t upset me, you upset me, you deaf moron. There I am, spending half an hour purring at your side, and you _still_ don’t hear a word I say. And you’re _not_ calling me Princess, you dope. My name is Keith.~

I’m going to have to get you sleepy, feverish, or drugged. Your mate is getting inebriated, but that’s only going to make you deafer, so you must not indulge. Have you any mushrooms here?

I start nosing through the cupboards.

 

 

_"What about Chairman Meow?" I ask you, as you continue to pour beer down your throat. "Don't you have any suggestions for names?? Is that cat on the counter?!" I throw my laptop aside. "Can you send a message to that eejit in Russia to ignore the last three messages I sent? He'll try to decode them and end up torching an embassy or something. Not that it wouldn't be funny," I chuckle as I head for the kitchen. "But only if it doesn't get traced back here..."_

_"Eejit?" I hear you ask behind me._

_"*Idiot*, I said..." I grit my teeth. What is going on?? That's twice in one day!_

_"Chairman Meow! Get out of the cupboards!!" I dash into the kitchen and pull the kitty down. I hold him up. "I'm sorry Sebastian hasn't fed you yet, but we don't go pawing through cupboards, " I say severely. "Time for supper, my sweet!"_

 

 

^-^

Chairman Meow? Sure, why not. Better than Princess. But the moment you can hear me you're going to call me Keith. Or Sir. Or something.

~Oi! Unhand me, you buffoon!~ I growl. ~Where do you keep your hallucinogenics? While we're at it, some nip would be nice. You don't seem to have a lot of plants around here - where is your food? Is it all in the fridge? Why would you do that; I can’t open it.~

Why am I talking to you? Might as well talk to the fridge and tell it to open. I sigh, again.

 

 

"Why thank you, but I already had fish and chips on the way home!"

 

 

_I turn in confusion towards the living room. “What is he going on about?” I ask the kitty._

_“Fish and chips? And he didn’t think to ask if *I’d* like something?” I shake my head, as I tuck Chairman Meow under my arm and head back to the living room._

_“Where’s the cat food? Did you buy bowls for food and water? And what am *I* supposed to eat?”_

 

 

_We do not murder our boss. We do not murder our boss. We do not murder our boss._

"I had fish and chips two hours ago - would have been cold by now. I got you a Tesco's Finest ready meal and raspberries. Mr Meow got kitten food, because I didn't know how old he was. I'm sure it's fine. It's in the bag which is sitting at my feet because I'm having a bloody beer before I put away the groceries - or, you know, you could try it... I'm sure it wouldn't do your back in to lift a bag of Whiskas."

I'm going to get a cat thrown at me any minute now, but I don't really care at the moment...

"I did _not_ buy bowls because nobody told me I needed to. We have plenty of crockery - just pick a plate and a bowl and they're his now."

 

 

_"Well, since I have to think of everything - next time you go out, I want bowls with something cute on the side. Paw-prints or fish skeletons. No, both! And pick up some toys and - catnip." I walk towards the bag of cat food, and give an exaggerated sigh as I pick it up and head back to the kitchen. I gently let down the kitty who winds around my legs as I start pouring dry food into a beautiful ceramic bowl._

_"And it's not *Mr*, it's *Chairman*. The entire premise falls apart if you get the title wrong, *eejit*. Oh, what the *fuck*?" I drop the bag, and dry food goes skittering across the floor in all different directions._

_"Sebastian!" I howl, as Chairman Meow runs around eating little pellets off the floor._

 

 

^-^

I approve of the way you serve food. Is this how you eat as well?

Big boy is coming into the kitchen and starts joining me for dinner, which is fine, but he's taking handfuls of food at a time, and not leaving any for me. I jump on his hands to stop him.

 

 

"What the - get off me!" I jump up, scattering cat food everywhere, which is eagerly hunted by the cat. "Jim! Your monster attacked me! Look, I'm going to go down the flat to see if anyone's lost their cat - they're probably worried. People get so attached to their pets."

 

 

_I glare at you. "*Don't* they..." I mutter._

_"You are *not* going anywhere! He stays!!" I shout, grabbing you by the arms. I decide to try a different tack, and rub your shoulders._

_"Sebastian," I coo. "You just have to be *nice* to him, and then he'll love you almost as much as he loves me! Come sit down, Tiger...I'll help you forget about your day..."_

 

 

^-^

Champ started petting his mate and they seem to have forgotten about the food. Good! This stuff is quite nice, though a bit samish. I preferred it when it moved around, but they seem to not be interested in rolling it over the floor any more.

Oh god - what's that smell?

That's not human pheromones, is it?

Oh fuck, Champ, your partner just went on heat... You're not going to mate in my dinner, are you?

 

 

Must distract Sebastian...

Must keep him calm...

_God, you'd think giving you an order would be enough, but when you get grouchy, there's no talking to you, and no telling *what* you'll do..._

_If Chairman Meow spends the night, I'm sure it's a done deal..._

_I kiss you - I know you wish we did more of that._

_"Why don't you take off that shirt..." I say in a flirty voice. I don't usually play the coquette, but... damn if it's not working..._

_You pull it off and throw it to the ground, where I'm dimly aware of Chairman Meow running over and rubbing against it._

_I run my hands all over your chest and arms._

_"Mmm... Tiger..." I say breathily._

_We kiss again to the sounds of crunching and purring in the background._

 

 

^-^

Sure, throw clothes on my dinner. I nudge it to the side. It does smell nice, of Big Boy - I think I'll sleep on it later.

Why do you call him Tiger? You don’t have some kind of cat fetish, do you? You're not coming anywhere near me, sunshine...

I continue eating dinner, keeping one eye on your mating ritual. I don't think I've ever seen humans mate before, have I? Not with other humans, at least. They seem to mostly do it in their homes. I wonder how it works. You're both males, so no pregnancy, which is good - though pregnancy makes humans more sensitive, it does make them less eager to leave their homes, and the Boss does not like waiting. Mind you, he's just as likely to have forgotten he sent me in the first place - but if he remembers, he's not going to be happy if you're not there. You can bring your mate - pretty sure he'll fit in, exotic-looking as he is.

 

 

_I drag you out of the kitchen away from the mess and chaos, and onto the sofa._

_I climb onto you and bite your neck._

_"What do you want?" I murmur against your neck._

_This started out being about distraction, but... there's just something about a surly Tiger... it makes me hot and bothered, and I won't rest until I have him moaning underneath me.. or on top of me, if it goes that way._

 

 

^-^

Your mating ritual moves out of the dining area, but you're loud and smelly enough I can follow what's going on whilst continuing my dinner. Actually, I'm getting a bit full. Maybe I should follow you out and continue later.

I patter into the living room, hop on a chair, sit down to observe you.

 

 

What do I want? Well, up to five minutes ago I wanted a beer, a bath, and a bed, but a seductive Jim all over me quickly rearranges priorities. "I wouldn't mind a shower... I'm sure I'm all sweaty and horrible, and we wouldn't want that for you... Care to join me?"

 

 

_Even further away from all the mess and chaos. Perfect!_

_I grin. "Why yes, I would...thank you for the invitation..."_

_I look down at you hungrily, and almost kiss you again - but instead I hop off you and pull you up. Then, facing you, I drag you by both hands up the stairs away from Chairman Meow, and towards the bathroom._

_"You must be soooo dirty after your long, hard day... we'll have to make sure we get into every nook and cranny to get you clean again..."_

_We head up the stairs, eyeing each other. This worked a little too well. It's all I can do not pull you down on the stairs and mount you._

 

 

^-^

Oh you're moving further up now? Is this still part of the mating ritual? It appears to be, as you're both smelling stronger and stronger.

 

 

Jim... god you're fucking hot - what is all this cutesy talk? You're not usually so flirtatious... but I like it.

We barely make it to the bathroom, where I switch on the shower, drag clothes off you while it warms up.

 

 

_Soon we're naked and biting and kissing and writhing against each other. And then you're pulling me into the shower, and yanking me against you. Fuck... I don't know how things got so hot so quickly, but yes, *please*. I'll have more randy Tiger rubbing himself against my cock, *thank you*..._

_I hear a loud meow at the door. Shhh, kitty... not now…_

 

 

^-^

~What are you two up to in there? Look, if we're going to bond, I will want to be there when you mate as well. You may sink into a liminal space or something after.~

I push at the door, which isn't locked, and gives way, so I slink inside.

You're doing that weird human thing where you voluntarily get wet to clean yourselves. Inferior tongues. But why are you washing away the pheromones? Do you want to interrupt your mating ritual? Is this a way to break it off before you copulate? It doesn't seem to work - you're all over each other, diminished pheromones or no.

I take up position beside the loo to have a good view of the proceedings.

 

 

I may not kill you tonight, Boss... not if you keep this up, this lascivious rubbing yourself against my cock, those hot kisses, those nails in my back... What do I want... You seem awfully accommodating tonight, would you let me fuck you? That's a rare treat indeed, but one that appeals immensely... I know you're trying to distract me from your hellspawn cat, which is fine... if it means I get amorous Jim Moriarty thrown at me, you can start a fucking cattery...

 

 

_I'm just about to helpfully suggest that you get down on your knees, when I notice the cat is in the bathroom - staring at us. My eyes widen. Bad kitty._

_Quickly I grind against you, making you moan. I lean up to your ear and whisper, "Want to fuck me, Tiger?"_

_When I see your eyes light up, I feel a surge of triumph._

 

 

^-^

Uh oh, you've spotted me. It looks for a moment like you're going to say something, or chase me out - but no, you suggest your mate fuck you instead. Ah, this should prove interesting. He seems well up for it - shower or no, I can smell his pheromones from here.

 

 

Oh, god _yes_ \- don't worry Jim, you can adopt the entire London Zoo. I'll even get you bowls and a litter tray. I am well aware that I'm being manipulated, but from the feel of your cock you are quite interested in the proceedings as well... I turn you round, grab some shower oil, push you with your front to the wall, growl and bite into your neck, and start preparing you.

 

 

_Was there ever any doubt that would work? I'm being shoved against a wall, bitten and growled at, and fingered - god, is it possible that you might never guess that sometimes I act out just to *make* you surly, because it's so bloody hot? *And* the perfect excuse to get fucked by you? Yeah, I have to be careful not to play this card too often... can't have you thinking I want you as much - no, best not to go there._

_I'll just enjoy how you're grasping my arse with one hand, stretching me out with the other... *god*, that's hot. And there's a cat watching the entire proceedings, which is just weird._

_I feel my muscles relax under your expert ministrations, and I'm breathing hard by the time you pull your fingers out._

 

 

^-^

Both humans seem to enjoy this part of the proceedings, which involves putting some offensive-smelling imitation of pine resin on one human's hand and putting said hand in the other human's anus, presumably to enable it to accommodate the penis, which is reasonably large in humans. On the positive side, it's unbarbed, which must make the experience more pleasurable on the receiving end.

Ah yes, I was accurate - penis enters anus. You seem to both enjoy and not enjoy it - pretty much the response I usually get from queens. I hope you do enjoy it soon, because you need to achieve orgasm to get into a potentially liminal state where I might be able to get a bloody word in. Ah, your mate - Sebastian, was it? - seems to acknowledge the importance - he's reaching for your penis. Excellent.

I sit back and wait for your orgasm.

 

 

_Oh god... you are the only man I would allow to do this, the *only* man... I feel so tight, but it's so *fucking* hot, and is that cat coming closer to watch?? So the Chairman is a bit pervy... all right. Or maybe that should be *purrvy*; I'll have to tell Sebastian later... He will not have two shits to give, but *I* think it's cute and that's what matters._

_But I forget all about the peeping tom when your hand reaches around, and *ohhh*... *fuck*... my forehead presses against the slippery shower wall as you push into me harder and faster, stroking me and making me groan loudly._

_"Tiger," I gasp. "Fuck..."_

 

 

^-^

I really could do without the cat imagery here. It's a bit perverted.

Or is it because this guy has stripes? He's got more scars than Old Derek, who's always getting into fights still even though he's like fourteen and keeps getting beaten by the youngsters. Probably a fighter then - makes sense, with those muscles. It's good for the Champion to have a fighter by his side - you do tend to get into situations where people may be tempted to kill you. Normal people have so little understanding for our work...

The proceedings are heating up; the water doesn't stand a chance against the pheromones. The Tiger (oh no now you've got me doing it) is biting your neck - interesting, I didn't know humans did that too - and growling, all indeed rather cat-like.

Huh. If the Boss sent me to some guy with a cat-fetish, I'm opting for the hummingbirds... I mean come on. There are limits.

Not for the Boss though...

I'm pushing that uncomfortable thought away and get my attention back to what you are doing. Seems a lot more of the same - moving, panting, sweating, groaning, biting.

 

 

_When you come inside me, you're pressed against me and I'm pressed against the wall - you've been pushing my hips back and forth, stroking me faster, faster... harder, harder... oh oh *OH*... fuuuuuck, Sebastian..._

_"Oh - *god* - *Tiger* - *uhgnhhh* - " I groan._

_You're collapsed against me, gasping for air..._

_I look back at you, panting._

_I feel the strangest compulsion to turn and lean against your chest._

_I don't... I just wait for you to pull out, so we can finish taking a shower._

_You do, but the feeling remains... what the hell? I look back at the cat, who's watching us with the utmost irritation._

_What the hell, Chairman Meow??_

 

 

^-^

Ah, good, orgasm. Now, relax, and see if I can talk to you.

You're not relaxing - just relax, man, you've just had an orgasm, and given your mate one, you deserve it... lie down, let your mind drift...

Come _on_ , I can see you want to - just let your man hold you for a bit, get your breath back - let go of that iron control on your brain, for Bast's sake...

 _He_ wants to - he wants nothing more than to hold you for a bit, let you unwind - what is _wrong_ with you, you bleeding idiot!? Will you _stop_ just showering? Ever heard of bloody afterglow?!

~Tiger! Grab him and throw him onto the bed and tell him to rest for a bit!~

... no, of course not.

Fuck's sake. This is going to be a _long_ job...

 

 

_We're towelling off when you finally notice the cat in the bathroom glaring at us._

_"Why is it looking at us like that?" you ask suspiciously._

_I shrug. "Curiosity?"_

_"Can I please ask around the building if it belongs to anyone?"_

_"Stop..." I open the door wider and nudge the kitty out into the hall. "I want to keep him..." I say sadly._

_You look at me for a long moment and sigh. You pull me into your arms._

_What - ? I stiffen at first, but something's come over me and I need... reassurance. I allow myself to be held, and I close my eyes._

 

 

You're - there's something about this cat, isn't there? Something that makes you feel some sort of weird attachment... You don't _do_ attachment, Jim, but when I suggest getting rid of him, you look so sad... oh god, no, I can't stand sad kitten eyes.

I sigh, wrap you in my arms, and miracle of miracles, you let me. Aw - what's wrong, Jim? Are you coming down with something? Have you been not sleeping again? You always stay up after me, get up before me - you insist you don't need much sleep, but I know it gets to you after a while...

"If you want to keep this kitty, we'll keep the kitty. I'll deny any knowledge of its existence if anyone comes asking."

What is it about this particular cat Jim? Is it because it's black, and very pretty? I've never seen you bond with anything or anyone... maybe with me, but I can't imagine you letting me sleep on your lap, petting me and calling me sweetheart...

"Jim... shall I cook your ready meal, and shall we have an early night then? You look tired..."

 

 

_I breathe a sigh of relief when you say we can keep the kitty. Although there's a part of me protesting, 'Of course we can keep the kitty, I make the rules!!' I still feel pleased, like I've won a victory, but really I know you're being indulgent. (I *like* it when you're indulgent...)_

_"OK..." I *must* be tired, I'm still in your arms... this is usually just something that happens after nightmares._

_It feels hard to pull myself away, but I do. I look at you for a moment, and then go into the bedroom to change into something comfy for bed. The kitty waits in the hall and follows us down the stairs._

 

 

Poor Jim, you must really be tired - or getting sick - if you're letting me talk you into abandoning your laptop and going to bed at a little after ten. I grab a blanket from the wardrobe and wrap you in it when you're back on the sofa. Your cat jumps onto your lap immediately, treads, circles, and lies down, purring loudly. It does seem to really like you, but the fact that it is so comfortable with humans does seem to indicate that it's come from somebody else's house. I just hope it's not someone nearby who is going to hear it and try to come over and ask about it.

I nuke your dinner, pour you a glass of sweet red, and bring both into the living room.

"Do you want to watch something while you're eating?" I try to distract you from your infernal laptop, awkwardly balanced on the arm of the sofa since your lap has been taken up.

 

 

_I was just wondering if any new messages have come in from Russia, when you ask if I want to watch something? *Watch* something... like children do? Like old married couples do? I'm a criminal mastermind, for fuck's sake... my life is far more exciting and dangerous than any silly *story* I could find on TV..._

_The cat purrs and bumps his head insistently into my arm, and I pet him. I smile as the purring gets louder and fills me with a feeling of contentment._

_"Put something on if you want... I have no idea about any shows, though..." I hear myself say, in a daze. I nestle into my blanket, and drink some wine._

 

 

^-^

Hold on. You can't be drinking alcohol - that's a depressant and makes you _less_ sensitive - that's not what we want. Stupid Tiger - us cats have to work together, or we'll never get the Champ anywhere. I sigh. Tiger doesn't have a clue either, does he... I guess it's all down to me.

As you put the wine down on the table, I jump up and knock the glass over. Get him water or herbal tea Sebastian, mugwort preferably.

 

 

I flick through channels - "Oh look Jim, it's Labyrinth - it's just starting. That's a great one to watch," I smile, as you pick up your plate and put down your glass.

Just as we sit back, though, the bloody mog jumps and knocks over your glass. "Shit! Stupid cat!" I pick up the glass and go to the kitchen, cursing, to get some paper towels, pour you some more wine, carry it back, hand it to you. I soak up the wine from the table and the floor, head back to the kitchen to throw out the towels, when I hear your voice: "Chairman Meow! No!"

I run back into the living room, to see the glass knocked over yet again.

"What the fuck?! Did you get a teetotaller's cat?!"

I bring the roll of paper towels.

 

 

_I look up at you with apprehension as Chairman Meow jumps back in my lap smugly, turns three times and settles in for a bath. You're cleaning up the puddle of wine on the floor, shooting glares at the cat._

_"I have no idea why..." I say helplessly, scratching the kitty's head. "Sorry..."_

_You give me a surprised look, and carry the paper towels to the bin._

_Oh, right - I don't apologize. Ever._

_Today has felt like *such* a strange day, in more ways than one..._

_I point at the screen. "Look, Chairman Meow... we're going to see a story about the Goblin King..."_

_The cat tilts his head as he watches the screen then looks back at me disdainfully._

_You return, and throw yourself on the sofa next to me. You hesitate, then place your hand on my leg. I look at it for a moment, then snuggle into the blankets and start eating my dinner._

 

 

I'm not getting you another glass of wine with an anti-alcoholic cat. Somehow my beer appears untouched - maybe it just has a thing for wine glasses.

We sit and watch the film - such a weird, domestic scene, you eating your dinner, wrapped in a blanket, cat on your lap, my hand on your leg - I'm touched. We haven't been so close - ever, except when you have been sick, and then you've been quite demanding.

I look at the cat, who's narrowing his eyes at me. I raise my beer at him, barely perceptibly. Cheers, Chairman Meow. Thanks for giving me this snippet of domestic bliss...

 

 

_This feels... nice... a kitty on my lap. Watching a film on the sofa. (Sebastian’s hand!!)_

_Haven’t felt this way since... well._

_*Well*... no need to go there..._

_I finish my dinner, and sit contentedly watching the film. It’s like being comforted when you’re sick, except without having to be sick..._

_My hand slowly moves along the blanket, and rests on your thigh._

_I feel my face wanting to *burn*... but to snatch my hand away would bring more attention to what I *did*. So I just leave it, pretending it’s not a big deal. I see you look down and glance at me, but you don’t say anything._

_Oh bless you, Tiger. When I relax, I realize it feels nice..._

_Well... don’t want to make a habit of it, but it can’t hurt this one time..._

 

 

^-^

Finally you're relaxing. No one can resist the soothing power of purring cats for long. And this film seems to have some fae vibes, so that's good to put you in the mood. And it looks like Tiger has finally decided to help as well. I keep purring.

 

 

Your - hand - is on my thigh -

Like you absentmindedly are just resting it there, except you don't do things absentmindedly, _ever_ -

Wow, Jim. Having a cat is really bringing out your sweet side... sex, apologies, touching...

Chairman Meow, you're my new best friend. Congratulations. If you can melt James Moriarty, you must be a _very_ special kitty indeed...

I hardly notice the film playing, keep looking out the corner of my eye to see you so relaxed, so - almost peaceful... a kitty on your lap, a tiger by your side, sex god David Bowie on your screen.

 

 

_I feel reluctant to admit that I’m enjoying this, even to myself - but I can’t deny I am. *God*...I haven’t had an evening like this since childhood._

_Even my childhood, fraught with violence, terror and trauma as it was, had its moments of pleasure... entertainment... sweetness... comfort... I feel a stinging in my chest, and a dull throbbing follows. Right, time to stop thinking of childhood - immediately._

_Focus on purring kitty... Tiger’s hand... Tiger’s thigh... David Bowie..._

_Bowie as the Goblin King chooses that moment to say, “Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave.”_

_And *I* will be your slave??_

_Don’t look, *don’t look*, oh for *fuck’s* sake, Jimmy... involuntarily I glance at you, only to see you staring at me. You raise an eyebrow and smile._

_I roll my eyes and return to petting the kitty, who’s watching this exchange with amusement._

 

 

^-^

No, don't tense up again, you stupid berk - Jim, is it? Just relax. Dear Bast, how can this situation get any more peaceful? You have a purring fluffy kitty on your lap, your lover touching you - rather cautiously, but touching nonetheless - some nice film playing…

What's going on with you and your mate? You seem not too much at ease with one another for people who are obviously life mates. Go on - you clearly want to cuddle up to him, and he wants you to - he's sitting * _perfectly*_ for it - why are you only gingerly touching and looking?

Sigh. Of course the Boss chooses a weirdo - they're always weirdos...

 

 

'Do as I say and I will be your slave...'

Heh, if only it worked that way...

I look at you - my Jim, whom I fear, and love, and do as he says... but _I_ am _your_ slave. Which is fine... but I would love to have - things like this more often. Just - pleasant time together, touching just for the sake of touching, just being close, doing something fun together... when did you last do something for fun, apart from sex? And even there I sometimes wonder if you actually find it _fun_...

I see you glance at me and can't suppress a smile. You're beautiful like this, Jim... and _still_ magnificent, don't you worry...

 

 

_By the time the film is wrapping up, I notice we've somehow moved closer to each other... your hand has been gently squeezing my leg and your thumb has been rubbing against it... my hand has been lightly moving back and forth along your thigh. Jesus. The cat looks smugly at me. Oh, what do you know, Chairman Meow? This is not how we do things here..._

_I slowly withdraw my hand and yawn. "I'm going to sleep..."_

_I can't ask you to come with me, even though strangely I think I *want* to..._

_I gently pick up the black kitty and stand up, then look at you before heading upstairs._

 

 

^-^

Ah good, we're going to bed.

Um.

Tiger.

You're coming, right? I mean... I don't want things to get weird...

 

 

I hardly see a thing of the film, delectable as David Bowie is. We're close together, you're _stroking_ me, and your kitty, and I've never been so _close_ to you.

Fuck, Jim, I love you...

I wish I could say it out loud, but that would be the best way to destroy this fragile evening. And probably get my arse kicked out of the door, or laughed at...

I sigh. It's not what we do. Just enjoy what we have here, now. It's pleasant...

You're going to bed - it's not even midnight. Well done, Jim.

Oh, and apparently the cat is going to bed too?

I would argue against felines in the bedroom, but I fear if I force you to choose between it and me I might not like your choice.

"I'm coming too - I'm knackered," I reply, put your plate and cutlery in the dishwasher, then remember I haven't made a litter tray - damn. I hope the thing hasn't gone behind a cupboard somewhere.

I appropriate the washing-up bowl and fill it up with litter. I'll have to introduce the Chairman to it, so he knows where it is.

I bound upstairs, where I see one of the cutest scenes ever - you're lying on the bed, curled around the cat, scratching it behind the ears and whispering sweet words. I even feel a pang of jealousy - for a _cat_ , Sebastian?

"Could I take the Chairman downstairs for just a second? I made a litter tray, and he needs to know where it is..."

 

 

_I jump and look up at you. I was a little wrapped up in petting the kitty, it felt *so nice*..._

_What is that look on your face... you find this endearing, but there's also... jealousy?_

_What, you want me to curl up around you and pet you and whisper to you?? How very strange… I'm about to imagine it, when you tell me about the litter tray. I'm pleased that you're getting invested in taking care of the sweet purring creature against my chest._

_Also you would not have been happy if I'd thought of it five minutes after you got into bed..._

_"By all means... show the Chairman the facilities..." I grin and hand you the kitty. "Thank you, darling..."_

_*Thank you* - we both look taken aback at that._

 

 

^-^

Ah, good. I was getting worried I'd have to try to balance on the loo or something - or just get even by pissing on your clothes. But Pretty Big Boy remembered.

He gently scoops me up and carries me downstairs, where he plants me in the litter tray, looks at me expectantly.

Well go on, turn round. I'm not going to go with you watching me.

Oh for fuck's sake. Shoo!

I sigh. You're just going to stand there until I've done my business, aren't you? Alright then...

I have a piss and bury it. Pretty Big Boy praises me extravagantly - really?! _That_ impresses you?

God, you're both weirdos...

 

 

What the -

First an apology, then touching, and now a _thank you!?_

I glance at you, looking as aghast as I feel, then at the kitty - are you some kind of magical creature, here to bring the Spirit of Christmas to James Moriarty, a few months late?

I take him downstairs and he goes on the tray - good kitty, but yet another sign that he probably has a home somewhere else...

Oh well, not my problem. If he makes the Boss happy, he stays. If I have to shoot a crying four-year-old for it.

After he's buried his ablutions, kitty runs upstairs of his own accord, with me following at a more sedate pace. When I get into the bedroom, he's kneading your chest through the duvet purring, as you're lying on your back, smiling.

 

 

_“Sebastian, look! Isn’t he the loveliest, sweetest kitty in the world? It’s all I can do to not squeeze him until he pops - oh don’t worry, Chairman Meow... I would never hurt *you*! Get in on this, Tiger... it’s *delightful*...”_

_You seem relieved - to be included? You’re not still jealous of this cat, are you? Should I start scratching you behind the ears next, and nuzzling you and calling you the loveliest, sweetest - actually, you might *like* that. I observe you as you get into bed and lie down on your side facing me, and stroking his furry side. There’s something about the presence of this kitty that’s *changing* things - it’s making everything we do seem cosy and warm and *familial*... and you *like* it! Where did the surly assassin from earlier this evening go?_

_“Did he use the litter tray?” I ask, petting Chairman Meow and watching as he turns three times and once again settles on my chest._

 

 

^-^

Squeeze me till I pop!? Excuse me, what kind of sicko _are_ you!?

Oh, it's metaphorical? Still...

I'd rather sleep on Pretty Big Boy, but since you're the one I need to talk to, I guess I'll stay on this chest.

Ah, good, you're both petting me now. Worship me, humans...

Pretty Boy turns off the light, and you both close your eyes. Odd - why aren't you cuddling? It's not because of me, right? There's plenty of space for your Tiger...

No, there's tension - those seven centimetres between you two are charged with - something -

How peculiar. You want to cuddle, so does he - why don't you? Is this some weird human taboo that I haven't heard of? I haven't seen many humans sleep in their houses... maybe you're not supposed to snuggle up in bed?

Anyway. I should be focusing on communication now you're falling asleep and more open... How do I do this? I guess I just keep shouting and hoping you hear something?

Sigh. This is going to be a _long_ night...

~HELLO!!! HELLO CAN YOU HEAR ME?!? I AM KEITH! YOU NEED TO GO TO IRELAND! IRELAND! CONNEMARA!! TAKE ME WITH YOU! THAT'S KEITH - YOU KNOW ME AS CHAIRMAN MEOW! BRING YOUR TIGER!! CON-NE-MA-RA!! I-RE-LAND!!! I KNOW YOU'RE FROM THERE. SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS CRAZY MASS OF CONCRETE AND STEEL AND SMOKE - NO WONDER YOU'VE GONE DEAF. ANYWAY! GO TO IRELAND! CONNEMARA! BRING YOUR CAT AND YOUR TIGER!~

God this is exhausting. I have no idea if you can hear me...

 


	2. The Journey

_I’m dreaming of being somewhere green... Tiger and I are hiking with rucksacks, and we’re on a grand adventure. We even bring Ke- Chairman Meow with us. What a cute kitty, leading us as if he knows the way..._

_He’s telling us something - about a - quest? Oh, why not? I could use a quest! And Tiger would *love* a quest... and I’d love to see him happy... I feel so warm..._

_I start to sing, a song about going to Ireland..._

_I don’t remember when I last felt happy..._

_You take my hand and I look up at you smiling..._

 

 

^-^

I sleep deep and well – I usually sleep sixteen hours a day, and it's been an exhausting few days getting here. I hope I got through to you - I'm also trying to exude Connemarish vibes when I wake, hoping they somehow seep into your dreams.

I wonder why the Boss chose you - you don't seem his usual type. You have a posh apartment, are attached to your hotbox with which you communicate with people in Russia - seem like a boring city suit type with a boring job and a boring - albeit hot - stable life mate.

Yes, mostly you seem _stable_. Appearances can be deceiving, I know, but most lunatics don't have penthouse apartments in London, I know that too.

Oh well, not up to me to tell him how to do his business. He wants you, he gets you. If I finally get you to listen...

~CONNEMARA. Lovely place, really. HILLS and stuff. GREEN, as well. MOUNTAINS, even. GREAT PLACE TO GO ON HOLIDAY WITH YOUR CAT, if you do holidays.~

 

 

_I wake up with a start. I feel like I've been... travelling. And talking._

_There's a black cat on my chest, with green eyes - staring at me._

_Chairman Meow..._

_I stretch out my hand and stroke his soft fur._

_Two things on my mind._

_1) I need to go to Ireland. It's very important._

_2) ..._

_Was I dreaming of holding hands with Tiger and singing??_

_..._

_I turn and look at you and you're blinking at me sleepily. You smile at me and your eyes are so blue..._

_My eyes widen and I return to petting the pretty kitty. He looks at me long and hard, and I find myself saying, "Tiger, we need to go to Ireland. Please book flights for us, and we're bringing Chairman Meow."_

 

 

^-^

Oh thank fuck. It worked. ~Can you hear me now?~

... no response. Maybe it only works when you sleep, or maybe it's so subliminal that you don't realize you hear me. But yes.

~IRELAND. CONNEMARA. BRING THE CAT.~

 

 

... so then Jennifer Lopez turns to me and asks, "Are you doing anything later?" and I grin, say "You're pretty, lady, but not a par on my boyfriend," and...

A start - what - danger?

No, just you moving awake... I open my eyes, look at you... god, you're pretty in the morning light... I smile at you, but somehow that seems to make you uncomfortable - oh.

Back to that cat. Alright. My smile fades.

And then -

What!?

"Jim, have you had a bad dream?”

 

 

_"A bad dream? No..."_

_I look at the cat. "Not a *bad* dream... but I did have a dream. And... I feel like I'm supposed to go to Ireland. You're supposed to come, too. And the cat. We'll leave today. I'll pack our things, while you take care of arrangements. We're going to Connemara. I'm not sure for how long..."_

_The cat looks pleased, and licks his paw._

 

 

Why.

It's only seven. I haven't even had coffee yet.

"Jim. You hate Ireland. You never do any business where you'd have to go there, or even associate with Irish people too much. You have never talked about Connemara. And... what do you mean _supposed_ to go to Ireland? Like - did you have some kind of premonition in your dream?"

I shake my head.

"Let's have breakfast, have a coffee... get your head clearer."

Meow seems to scowl at me. Well, you can fuck off as well. I'm not taking him to bloody Ireland, land of his nightmares.

 

 

_"All right, we'll have breakfast and coffee first... and then we'll go to Ireland. It wasn't a premonition, exactly..." I hesitate and look at the cat. "I just feel like I'm supposed to *go*. And yes, I'm well aware it makes no sense and sounds a bit mad - but there it is. We're going."_

_I nudge Chairman Meow off my chest, and sit up. "I'm *starving*..."_

 

 

"Jim. We're not going to Ireland. I do think you may need a holiday, but Ireland is a bad choice, ok? We can go to... Spain, or Slovenia, or wherever..."

I really think you must have been working too hard. First the cat, now bloody _Ireland!?_

 

 

_I turn to you. "Sebastian... I'm not going to Spain or Slovenia! I can see why you'd think this is sudden and disconcerting. I do... it *is*... But -" I rake my hands through my hair. "I can't explain it, Sebastian! I just need to go, all right? Can you just... trust that I *need* to do this, and I need you to come with me?? I'll go alone if I *have* to..."_

_There's no way he'd let me go alone, no way..._

 

 

Oh shit it's worse than I thought...

I reach out a hand; touch your arm.

"Jim. Take a deep breath, let me make you a coffee. Think _logically_ , ok? It's what you do best.

You didn't want to go to Ireland yesterday. You hate Ireland. You had some kind of dream, and it was a very intense dream, and now you have the feeling you need to go to Ireland... but you don't want to, really. Just - let me open the window, get some fresh air in, and I'll make you a coffee - and then have another think. Dreams can be disorienting, but you're a logical man."

 

 

_I'm staring at you in irritation. "*Darling*... I'm aware that I'm a logical man. I haven't gone off the deep end, if that's what you're thinking. Sometimes in life there are times when we seemingly don't operate from a place of logic, but from a place of gut feeling. It's not insanity, it's the *enteric nervous system*. Ever heard of psychoneuroimmunology? Fascinating branch of study. The conclusion is when your gut is telling you something that your brain doesn't understand yet, the *logical* thing to do is to follow this impulse so you can understand it better. I've done this before, and I'm doing it now. End of discussion." I smile at your brightly and hop off the bed. "But it's sweet of you to worry... I'm just popping into the shower, Tiger..."_

_I walk into the bathroom and leave the door open._

 

 

No, Jim, I've never heard of psychoneuroimmunology. But I do know the importance of gut feelings. However, this is a step further than not going along with person X because you have the feeling he's not trustworthy.

I sigh, get myself out of bed. You're up and having a shower - I'll make breakfast, try to talk about something else during it. Then if afterwards you're still convinced you want to go to Ireland, well... we'll go to Ireland, I guess. It's not like I make the rules around here.

But we're not taking the cat. That's just insane.

He's followed you into the shower again, little pervert...

 

 

_I lather myself up so I'll feel awake and fresh for the trip. Hmm - Sebastian usually joins me, what's up with him? He must be busy being annoyed and worried._

_"Like I can't be trusted to make a decision?" I ask Chairman Meow who's sitting on the toilet, watching me. "I'm a grown man with a genius IQ! I'm the head of a criminal empire! I think that gives me some leeway in making the occasional decision that's out of the ordinary! Isn't that right, precious? *You* understand gut feelings, you beautiful thing..."_

 

 

^-^

Damn right I do. And I'm glad you decide to listen to them. It makes my life a _lot_ easier. I keep beaming Irish vibes at you from the loo, as Pretty Boy walks in, joins you in the shower.

 

 

"I put the coffee on, I'll cook breakfast in a moment," I say, avoiding saying anything about Ireland or cats, even though the thing sitting on the loo gives me the creeps. I wait a second before getting my shampoo - it's usually a fifty-fifty chance (well, more sixty-forty) that you'll want me on my knees, and I don't mind - I look to see if I can gauge whether you're in a 'blow job in the shower' mood or a 'no distractions I need to get to work' mood.

 

 

_I feel a surge of pleasure when I hear you walk in. I look at you standing in front of me, water pouring down over your head, all tall and muscled and *hghn*... after a moment, your hand is slowly moving towards your shampoo. I intercept your hand, and move it to my cock. You stroke it and fondle my arse... I moan, and stretch up to push down on your shoulders. You smile and move down to your knees._

_I look down at you as you take my cock in your mouth. You stare at me intently as you tease me with your tongue. Oh fuck, that's so incredibly hot... my head falls back and I moan loudly._

 

 

^-^

Oh look, now you fuck him, but in a different hole. I don't have enough data yet to know if this is what you always do, or if it varies.

Humans... always in heat... must be so distracting. How do you concentrate on anything else if your partner is oozing pheromones like that _all the time?!_ And are you two going to be like that our entire trip? I'm not sure how much more data I want to collect, really...

Well, your mate seems to know what he's doing, by the look of you. Shouldn't take too long then, but I assume then you'll do the same to him... Bast... you could be having breakfast and feeding me titbits, you know.

…yeah, this is getting tedious. I'll be downstairs, breaking my fast.

 

 

Ah, blowjob in the shower morning it is then... I start with a bit of licking, using the water rivulets pouring down to play with you, get you more erect... you're already moaning, good... sensitive this morning are we? Then I get my lips involved, let water pour into my mouth and press it past your head, teasing you with my tongue again... god Jim I love your cock, I could be on my knees worshipping you forever...

 

 

_"Fuck... *fuck*..." I moan as you tease, and then you begin to suck me for real._

_"Oh god..." I'm whimpering as you melt through the iron grip of my control, with your mouth on my cock and your hands grasping my arse like it *belongs* to you. I'm making more noise than usual, writhing against your mouth, my back pressing against the shower wall._

_And then I'm groaning loudly and gasping as I shudder violently against you, spilling my seed into your throat. Your eyes light up and you continue to blow me until I'm a whimpering wreck. Then you pull yourself off my cock, grinning up at me. I'm panting and looking down at you, and I whisper, "Bed. Now..."_

_You don't hesitate - you stand, get out of the bathtub and grab towels. Then you pick me up, and carry me to the bedroom where you towel us off before jumping into bed and dragging me down with you._

_"Someone's eager..." I observe playfully and crawl down to your cock, already proudly erect._

 

 

Yes, Jim, moan for me, baby, come for me... god, I love this... it makes me feel like a demigod, giving you such pleasure, knowing that you only fuck _me_ , because I am the best you've ever had... knowing that for that short moment, when your body contorts with ecstasy, when you're whimpering with delight, I am the most important person in your world.

Oh - _oh_. I get a treat today, do I? Hold on, is this another ploy to get me to agree to Ireland?

Oh who cares - bed. Now.

Your mouth on my cock... a rare treat, but _such_ a beloved one... you're magical with that mouth, enchanting, unbelievable... Jim, I'll follow you to the ends of the earth, wherever you want to go, whatever you want me to do... Oh god Jim... I love you... I love that mouth...

 

 

_You're not the only one who knows how to tease, darling... I swirl my tongue around the head of your cock like a delicious ice cream cone on a hot day. I hit the shaft rapidly with my tongue, making you gasp and moan. I lick up and down hard and slow over and over and over until you're begging me, and then only then do I take you fully in my mouth and suck you slowly... firmly... rhythmically..._

_with all this build-up it doesn't take too long to bring you to your climax in a loud, groaning display of violent jerking and shaking. You're shouting and moaning my name by the end. As you should... I'm your alpha and your omega, your morning and evening star... of course I'm all you think of at the end of an epic orgasm..._

_I smile at you as you return to earth, gasping for air._

_"So... breakfast and then we get ready, Tiger?" I lean over you, kiss you searchingly and give you a long penetrating look through my eyelashes. Then I jump out of bed, and head to the walk-in closet._

_Let's see you say no to *that*, darling..._

 

 

Oh my god... oh my god... oh my god...

That was _epic_...

... oh you little manipulative shit, aren't you...

 _Yes_ , of course I'll go to Ireland with you, to do... whatever you want to do there...

"What do you want to do in Ireland, anyway?"

 

 

_“I have no idea, darling... I guess I’ll know when I get there...” I flash you a smile, and disappear into the closet. What does one wear for a mysterious quest? I look doubtfully at my row of pristine suits. Maybe not. Black blazer. Shirt, no tie. Slacks. I look like an assassin trying not to look too obvious. Grey blazer, then._

_God, I hope you’re not going to give me a hard time all the way there... you’re not researching resources in case I go mad in Ireland, are you?_

_... Probably._

_I sigh. Now I have to keep *you* calm? Since when has that been *my* job?_

_Once I’m dressed, I step out. “There. Do I look like I’m dressed for adventure?”_

_I strike a series of action-hero poses, each more ridiculous than the last._

 

 

"Jim... we're going to Ireland because you had a dream about it? And you don't know yet what you're going to do there? Where we're going to stay? Who's going to take care of business? I need to meet up with Derrigan again at two. And who's going to take care of your precious cat?

You look sexy, urban, suave, and definitely not ready to go traipsing through bogs in those shoes."

 

 

_“First two questions - I’ve already answered. Yes and no. Let’s not cover old ground._

_Third - what part of making travel arrangements is confusing you? Take care of it._

_Fourth - what can’t we do with a wifi connection? Get one of your underlings to handle anything that needs to be done in person - Derrigan included._

_Five - again, already answered. We’ll just need a carrier, we’ll have to pick that up en route. I’ll include food and bowls when I’m packing, and bottled water._

_Bogs... right. I’ll have to wear hiking boots...” I say dubiously. “Why do adventures have to be *messy*??”_

 

 

“Jim. We're not travelling with your bloody cat. Cats hate travel. It'll meow all the way there, and who's going to carry it when we're slogging through the marshes?

\- before you open your mouth, the answer is not 'Sebastian'.

I'll make your travel arrangements. I'll get Steve to deal with Derrigan, but that cat can go into a cattery. He'll be much happier there."

 

 

_"I would have thought being in the special forces means you could deal with any circumstances, Sebastian..." I say archly. "And who said we'd be slogging through marshes and bogs?! For all you know, it could be a very pleasant trip. And he *won't* be happier without us, so we are *not* leaving him in a cattery!!"_

_I storm out of the room, slam the door and stomp downstairs to the kitchen._

_Chairman Meow is hovering by his fancy cat dish. Shaking, I grab the bag of Whiskas and pour a small mountain of food for him._

_"Are you hungry, darling?" I croon, as he winds around my legs. "There's some lovely breakfast for you! Yes? Yum!"_

_I watch with satisfaction as he munches his food loudly. "You... want to come to Ireland with us, don't you?" I ask, beginning to have second thoughts._

crunch crunch

_"Would you *rather* stay in a cattery?"_

crunch-

 

 

^-^

I already ate loads of this stuff off the floor. I thought humans were more diverse in their dining habits. I mean, it's nice, but something different wouldn't go amiss. Like that ham you had yesterday?

Yes, of course I'm coming to Ireland, you moron - you'd get utterly lost without me.

_A cattery!?_

I look up at you, eyes wide, biscuit falling from my mouth.

~You're not putting me in a cattery! You're not fucking _locking me up_ when you go to Ireland to wander around a bog without knowing where you're going! You'll be wandering around like a lunatic - well - I mean - like a lost person, and come back, and not know why you went, and we'll have to start the whole process again! Or you're going to meet the _wrong_ folk - no for Bast's sake, don't go to Ireland without me!~

 

 

_I look at the cat, amazed. He's stopped eating and is staring at me, looking alarmed. His tail has even puffed out._

_"Oh no, precious... we would *never*!" I lean down and pet the kitty emphatically. "I just wanted to make sure that's what you wanted... Sebastian seems to think I get strange ideas in my head sometimes... all right, that *can* be true. That time I wanted to add massive amounts of red dye to the water tower for Halloween, for instance. Well, I think it would have been hi*lar*ious, but it was deemed not worth the risk for a 'silly, pointless prank'... as *he* declared it. As if any prank is silly and pointless! Mayhem is its own reward, isn't it my darling? *You* understand, Chairman Meow..." I coo into his fur, and watch as he returns to eating his mountain of food._

_Feeling soothed, I return upstairs to pack._

_"All arranged, Tiger?" I smile and squeeze your waist as I pass by you, and disappear into the walk-in closet. What are these bursts of affection that keep popping out of me lately? Huh. Must be from having a lovely kitty in the apartment - I've wanted one for *so long*..._

_Well, I would think me being more pleasant and affectionate would make you *love* the cat... why *wouldn't* you want to bring him along?_

_*Tigers*... I shake my head and begin to neatly pack our suitcases._

 

 

I've notified Steve of our departure, said it was a family emergency. He sounded surprised but knows better than to ask. I have given him _very clear_ instructions on how to deal with Derrigan - I really am not happy about not being able to do that, but I know when you've got your mind set on something in this way it's impossible to sway you, and I'm not going to let you go alone.

I'm hammering on my laptop, trying to find places to stay - you didn't say _where_ in Connemara you wanted to go - if you even know. Clifden seems to be the big town around there, so I book us a B&B that, I have to admit, looks very nice and quaint and romantic... mmm... this might not be too bad... long walks on the beach... eating fresh seafood in a little restaurant, a fire lit against the chill... walking through green hills where the spring flowers bloom...

Actually, this is the _best_ idea you've had in ages.

But we're not taking the cat.

I call up pictures from a deluxe cattery in Mayfair, show them to you.

"Look what catteries are like these days... He'll have his own room, will get massages, there's a vet on site 24/7... he'll be reluctant to come home!"

 

 

_I look at you with hurt eyes._

_"Sebastian... I thought you understood..." I say softly. "I've wanted a kitty for *so long*... I *sleep* better, I feel more *calm*... don't you see why I need him with me? Ireland will be *difficult* for me... I need you and I need Chairman Meow to get through this." I reach up and tentatively stroke your arm. "I know it sounds mental... But please try to understand, I *need* this..." I finish in a whisper._

 

 

I look at you, torn. What’s going _on_ with you?! Are you getting sick? You look fine, but you’re really not yourself. Cold, calculating Jim Moriarty; snuggling, apologizing, thanking me, touching me - saying he needs me and please?!

Wait - that’s not what I was thinking about. I meant going to Ireland and getting all attached to a cat... and taking the cat on your crazy journey?!

But... you’re stroking my arm... and saying you need me...

Oh, fuck it. What is my life, but one long succession of saying ‘What the fuck, Jim?!’ and then doing what you want anyway?

I sigh, get on my laptop, try to get us on a flight with a cat. It’s only marginally more difficult than bringing a machine gun.

 

 

_As I’m passing through the room back and forth, I see your activity on your laptop and smile to myself. You can’t resist me when I’m sad *or* flirtatious. Still, this has been quite a lot of manipulation in such a short period of time... usually I just tell you to do something and you do it. What is it about a sudden trip to the place I hate most in the world, based on a dream - and bringing my new kitty along for the trip - that’s making you so obstinate and ornery? Normally I would just throw a fit of some kind, but there really is something comforting about having a kitty in the house... anyway, you’re finally doing what I ask. I’ll deal with the surliness... it’s *so hot* when I get through those defences. Nothing like a Tiger glaring and growling…_

_mmm... I wonder if there will be time to fuck before you pick up the carrier - or after, when you’re grumpy about it._

_“When’s our flight, Tiger?” I ask cheerily and continue packing._

 

 

“It's going to be a private plane - it's too much hassle getting a cat on anything else without a passport. I _assume_ Chairman Meow didn't bring his passport?

The B&B will let him stay if we promise he doesn't pee on the carpet or scratch the furniture, and we have to pay a deposit."

I look at you, still slightly worried.

"Jim... are you sure you're OK? It's alright, I'm booking everything you want, but... this is very much not like you. You see that, right?"

 

 

_“Of course,” I say, distracted. “ But that’s the joy of being changeable... no one can demand you stay the same! Well, they can *try*... but you might as well tell the wind where to blow... the ocean which way to flow... Do you see where I’m going with this, Sebastian?”_

_I zip up our suitcases. “All done! You can check yours if you want, I packed your usual military anti-chic and an assortment of weapons. I went light on elegant business wear and erred on the side of warmth and comfort for me. I’m sure you’ll be impressed. Private plane sounds *perfect*, darling. Chairman Meow can travel in the seat next to us. How long before we have to leave? Don’t forget, Tiger! We’ll need to pick up a carrier...” I watch your face, grinning._

 

 

I sigh. Yes dear, you are changeable... but never like this. You may change your mind between going along on a business deal or having me shoot everyone in the room, or between buying a car or staying home and dancing to Taylor Swift - but Ireland has always been taboo. I suspected that if we _ever_ would go to Ireland it would be after a period of heavy brooding, to do an absolutely essential deal, or to kill someone you've had a grudge against for years - not on a whim, going to some remote coastal area, because you had a dream - and taking a bloody _cat_...

I have to admit I am a bit worried... I know you are not sane, of course, but it's always been a... quite reasonable kind of madness. One that thought up genius plans and the ways to realize them, leaving me to think of mundane trivia like food and shelter. Your schemes often seemed crazy at first glance, but I soon learnt to go along with whatever you thought up, because it would _work_ , and it would be _astounding_.

This... this isn't a scheme, unless you're hell-bent on duping me, and it really doesn't seem like it - though one never knows with you; you're a brilliant actor, but it's very unlikely. So... going to Ireland is extremely out of character, going to an area that mostly seems to consist of nature is even more out of character, and taking a cat... is not out of character, it's just plain madness, and not of your usually favoured profitable or sensational kind.

I know nothing about psychology... can psychopaths go delusional from one day to the next? What do I do if you _really_ go off the deep end? How do I take care of you, when you're the one who's always been in charge, and are not going to give that up? How much should I indulge you? What if you decide to give all your money to the Monster Raving Loony Party and become an itinerant monk?

I rub my neck. It's tense - a sure sign that I'm worried.

Come on Seb... It's not as bad as all that quite yet - it was just a dream that he's acting on, we'll walk around Ireland a bit, it's bound to be beautiful this time of year, come back...

I sigh, get up to go to the pet store for a carrier.

 

 

_I go downstairs to collect the kitty's food, bowls, and bottled water, and place them carefully in a tote bag for the plane._

_"Chairman Meow! We're leaving soon, my pretty - use the litter tray now if you need to!"_

_I look at the litter tray. I guess we'll need to take the tray and fresh litter for the B &B? Well, Sebastian can take care of that..._

_I sit down on the sofa with my laptop and wrap up some work until you return home with the carrier._

_I don't know why I keep checking in with you to see how you're handling all this... but there I go again, observing your face and your body language. You seem annoyed, worried, tense... aww... poor Tiger._

_(Poor Tiger??)_

_I'll have to be extra nice to you on this trip..._

_(Huh??)_

_You throw the carrier on the sofa._

_"Thank you, darling!" I beam at you._

_(Oh god, he thinks I've gone mad as a hatter..._

 

 

^-^

Good - you've arranged for me to come along. Your mate listens to you quite well, doesn't he? It's like - you're the King and he's your Champion. The Champion's Champion...

You're not planning to carry me in that... thing though, are you? I mean, I appreciate the implied deference, but I do not appreciate the barred door with a lock that looks like it requires opposable thumbs.

Big boy is walking towards me - shit - if I run and hide I risk you going without me, if I let him take me I'll be locked up - I look at you indignantly, but you are staring at your mate.

Sigh. Oh, very well...

 

 

I manage to grab the cat and stuff it in the carrier without being skinned alive. In fact, it's going very docilely. Good kitty.

I pack some food and water for the trip, look at the litter tray in doubt, decide to pack a load of towels instead, lining the carrier with the first one. We'll get some new litter in Clifden - I'm not going to carry a bloody litter tray all the way to Ireland. I can't believe I'm carrying a bloody cat all the way to Ireland...

 

 

_Awww... seeing a big, strong Tiger carrying a cat carrier is making me want to throw myself on the ground at all the cuteness. And he's *so fucking annoyed*, which just makes it that much more a*dor*able. Oh! This was the best idea *ever*..._

_But then.. we're going to *Ireland*..._

_and I have no idea what we're going to do when we get there..._

_Shit... maybe I didn't think this through._

_I could just call the whole thing off... and get mad at Seb for going along with my hare-brained scheme._

_*That* would be good for a laugh..._

_I wander over to let the cat out of the carrier, but when I lean down to unzip it, the cat stares at me hard and puts a paw on the window. What is he doing; telling me to stop??_

_"You still want to go... don't you," I whisper. My heart begins to pound._

 

 

^-^

Well duh.

Don't you start changing your mind. It's _so_ much harder to suggest stuff to people when they've changed their mind.

Fortunately, you don't let the cat out of the bag (Bast I'm hilarious sometimes...) and get back up.

 

 

I carry the suitcases, you carry the cat. Not even by the handle of the carrier, no, Sir is carried in your arms, lest he be swung about too much. Spoilt thing.

Not that it makes much of a difference - I'd still be carrying both suitcases if you weren't carrying a cat. In fact, I highly suspect that if we have to walk too far, you'll be finding a way to have me carry the cat on my back or something...

We get a car to the airport, where the driver takes the suitcases to the plane, and oh look, I get to carry the cat...

"Don't carry him by the handle! You'll make him seasick!"

"It's _literally_ what that handle is for!"

"Carry him in your arms, like I did!"

... I'm carrying the fucking thing in my arms going up the stairs to the plane. The flight attendant is all bright-eyed at the sight of a kitty, but remains professional, for now... though I see her trying to steal glances into the container. Huh. Usually that's the effect _I_ have on people. Great. Bloody cat is stealing my thunder even here.

I scowl as I put the carrier on the seat next to me.

 

 

_“There! Our journey is underway, my handsome boy...” I make quiet kissing noises at him._

_I look up at you staring at me in disbelief._

_“Sebastian... it’s important for pets to receive affection. Otherwise, they get sad! Like wilted lettuce... You wouldn’t want that for our lovely kitty, would you?”_

_Absently I tap the screen and look at Chairman Meow. “You should really give him some affection, too. Do you think he looks depressed being in the carrier? I should let him out to stretch his legs... Come on out, my furry sweetheart,” I coo, unzipping the carrier._

 

 

^-^

At last. It's most vexing, being _locked up_. You seem to be locked up now as well though - the door is closed and we're moving fast - I've never flown inside an aeroplane before. It seems to mostly be an assault on the ears. I am not happy with the pain inside them - this pressure is _not_ pleasant.

I cower, puff out my fur, meow inadvertently - ~Make this stop! Can't we just use a portal? At least there the discomfort only lasts a minute - this has been going on for at least three and is only getting worse...~

You pet me, coo at me, but I'm not happy...

And then a _pop_ , and _pain_ , and I screech, dig my nails into your legs - but then it's gone. The hurt has stopped. Oh thank Bast.

 

 

_I suck in my breath when the kitty’s claws dig into my flesh. I do *imagine* throwing him against the window, but I certainly *don’t* do it... I *love* my kitty. I simply wince and remove his claws from my flesh. I glance at you, and you shake your head at me._

_“Where is that flight attendant?” I snap. “I need a drink...”_

 

 

^-^

Right, I assume we're airborne now - it's not so bad, but very noisy.

I jump off your lap and start exploring while you yell at the lady to bring you a drink. I guess I can allow you a drink when you're going where I want you to...

 

 

You let the cat out, which is a very bad idea - it's going to scoot inside or under something and we'll never see it again... Or muggins here will get to dismantle the plane to get it out from between the landing gear or something. In mid-air.

The flight attendant comes with your drink, and it rubs around her legs. She hands you your drink with hardly a look and starts fussing over Chairman Meow, gets him water and meat.

You’re scowling out the window, looking more and more agitated.

Thank fuck Ireland is only an hour's flight…

 

 

_I watch you while I sip my drink and brood. I'm glad you're not talking, because I have some feelings about Ireland to deal with. Of the 'Why the *FUCK* am I going to Ireland' variety. Why did you allow this?? Clearly I was having a moment of temporary extra insanity._

_Should I tell them to turn us around? Of *course* I should - we've hired this plane and crew, they'll take us wherever we fucking want. And right now, I want to be *home*... safe under blankets. Maybe you can find me another film to watch and we can all watch it together and cuddle._

_*What*?? Maybe you were right to worry... maybe I'm not well?_

_Well, of course *I'm not well*... I'm in a plane partway to *Ireland*..._

_I'm just about to open my mouth to shout about turning the plane around, when the cat jumps on my lap._

 

 

^-^

Hold on. You seem ill at ease. I'm getting definite 'oh what the fuck am I doing' vibes from you. I'm perceptive like that.

I jump on your lap, start purring. There's nothing wrong, Champ...

Good Bast, you're tense as a bowstring. What's going on? Are you afraid of flying? Or - is it the landing you're afraid of? Exactly _why_ did you leave Ireland?

I purr in a soothing frequency, making sure it vibrates through you. Chill the fuck out, will you? You're from Dublin - it's the other side of the country. Also, the Boss will look after you... though I'm not sure if that's reassuring…

 

 

_I pet the kitty, feeling soothed by the sweet purring. There's still an undercurrent of alarm and agitation moving through me._

_It all felt so clear this morning... there was that dream, and then..._

_It all feels so hazy now. All I know is that I'm on my way to the place that created the monstrosity that is James Moriarty, and I am *not* happy about it. But this morning, I was so convinced I needed to go. I look down at Chairman Meow, who gazes up at me. I immediately feel calmer._

_Jesus, am I going to be one of those caricatures of a villain, always carrying a cat with me? *Of Course Not*... I'll have to get my fix at home, and then leave him behind when I'm being diabolical. But for fucking *Ireland*, I need him with me 24-7._

_I look over at you. You have headphones in and you're watching an episode of some show or another. Why aren't you paying attention to me? You glance over, and you look grumpy and stressed out. I scan more deeply - there's worry and affection underneath. Relieved, I settle back in my chair and pet the kitty. I ring for the flight attendant and demand another rum and coke._

 

 

You're tense as all hell Jim. What's going on!? First you insist we go to Ireland come hell or high water, then you look like you're being dragged there against your will. Like anyone could ever make you do anything against your will...

At least you're more yourself - annoyed though you are - than this morning, but you're still clinging to that cat like it's your emotional support kitty. You _really_ changed since that thing came... what is it about a cat that gets to you Jim?

I sigh. We're about to land - it's only a short hop... But we're in Irish airspace and you're getting more and more agitated, snapping at the flight attendant when she asks you to fasten your seatbelt and to put the kitty away, please. I try to lift it off your lap but get a slap for my efforts. _Fine_.

 

 

^-^

We're over Ireland, I can feel it - it's good to be home - well - five miles above home. You don't seem to think so - you're getting tenser and tenser and I'm purring as hard as I can to relax you.

But then - we're going lower - oh fuck not _again_ \- it hurts my ears - why do you _do_ this to yourselves!? I dig my nails into your legs.

 

 

_I scream bloody murder and you pull the cat off my lap. You have him stuffed into the carrier and zipped up before I can stop you._

_“*NO*, Sebastian! I want to hold him - the little fucker,” I say, glaring at Chairman Meow. “We *don’t* use our claws on *me*, darling... understood?”_

_“Jim, we’re landing now - you can’t carry a cat as we travel to the B &B... he might run away,” you say sensibly._

_I turn and glower out the window. If only I could make the countryside burst into flames with the power of my hatred, it would be well worth the aggravation of this trip._

 

 

You're looking at the countryside like you'd rather be landing _anywhere_ but here. That's a bit rich coming from the guy who moved heaven and earth to get here today.

I'm getting really worried - you have always avoided Ireland like the plague, but you get a cat and a strange dream, and all of a sudden we're about to land at Knock, and you're even more volatile than usual - which is saying a lot. It's going to be a miracle if all three of us survive this trip... not to mention the natives.

I sigh, keep the cat carrier on my lap as we're landing and he meowls loudly in distress.

I've arranged for a car to be waiting for us; I'm driving myself - the fewer people we have around us, the better. I know how to deal with your moods, Chairman Meow seems to have a soothing effect on you. Anyone else... might not survive making your acquaintance.

I _really_ hope you'll come to your senses soon...

 

 

_Everything goes smoothly with landing and wheels have been pre-greased for dealing with customs, of course. So there are no bumps getting to the car... And I'm still *livid* when we arrive. I throw myself in the front seat, and you put the carrier in my lap... this calms me down somewhat. After you close the door and walk around to the driver's seat, I unzip the side compartment just enough to slide my hand in and touch the kitty's fur. Even better. I stroke Chairman Meow as I look out at the passing countryside, fuming._

 

 

You are a ticking time bomb and there is no way of knowing when you will explode. I don't do fear, as a rule - I couldn't be with you if I did - but I'm feeling very ill at ease. You being in a mood like this usually ends in _someone_ getting hurt badly and I'm the one who's closest... I sincerely doubt you'd harm the kitty.

The sun is getting lower, with any luck we'll be there in time to see it setting - surely that should melt even you?

I'm on tenterhooks the whole drive, don't dare say a word. You are staring daggers out the window and stroking your cat, which seems to be the only thing keeping you from literally exploding. The tension is filling the car, thick enough to slice and serve as adrenaline sandwiches to shock victims. Two hours... the beautiful landscape doesn't do anything to calm me.

 

 

_We've been driving for a while. My mood has not improved, but Chairman Meow continues to purr and this continually melts away the tension and rage before it builds back up again. You are wise not to say anything. A particularly loud purr from Chairman Meow rises from the carrier, vibrating against my hand and through me. Just as suddenly I realize that this trip would have been impossible with anyone else - they would have been dead at the side of the road a while back._

_I glance at you - you seem tenser even than usual in response to my 'moods'. Inexplicably, I soften._

_I watch as my hand travels as though of its own accord to your thigh. You actually jump a little. Jesus... Way to give your bodyguard a complex, Jimmy... the thought has *me* reacting with a start. Since when have I given a rat's arse about anyone's feelings, yours included?_

_I look at my hand on your thigh, as if it's an exotic animal we've encountered on the journey._

_"Do you want -" I have no idea what I was going to say, because it gets smothered by some dark, disapproving part of my psyche. " - to listen to music?" I finish lamely. Actually, music would be welcome... Chairman Meow seems to approve, and a loud purr fills the car._

 

 

I’m concentrating on the road, which is wet and treacherous with the sun glaring on the wet surface, when your hand touches me. I’m so tense I actually jump - like I’m expecting you to attack me in a moving car - that I’m driving... not even you would go so far, surely?

I stare at the hand on my thigh. You... put a hand on my thigh. What... am I support, Jim? Like your kitty? Support that can calm just by gentle touch, rather than your more usual violence and pain? I feel every muscle in my body tense.

... and then you ask if I want to listen to music.

Well, to be fair, your music is a form of torture...

“Good idea... there should be a cable in the glove compartment to connect your phone.”

 

 

_I lean against my headrest, but I leave my hand lightly on your thigh._

_"We can listen to your music, if you want... maybe your angry, railing music will soothe my nerves..."_

 

 

Good god. Have you suffered a stroke, Jim?

“Sure...” I say, uncertain. I take my phone out of my pocket, you hook it up to the car stereo, scroll through the artists.

 

 

_I look up from the screen._

_"Christ, I don't know, Seb... any suggestions? Something that's a *little* synthy, not all screeching guitars?" I say primly. That gets me a faint smile._

 

 

I don’t know... if I’m in a bad mood, aggressive music helps me calm down, but I have no idea about you. It might make you more homicidal. Probably not Slayer, then.

“Try Depeche Mode? All synths, no guitars.”

 

 

_I perk up. I know this band, at least. I select Shuffle, and a song called Blasphemous Rumours begins to play._

_I tilt my head as I listen. "Ah... I *do* remember this... good choice, Tiger..." I grin, and my murderous mood is slowly tempered by the sweet sounds._

 

 

^-^

It's _good_ to be back. I can feel the land talking to me when we get off the plane, but then we get into a _car_ , which is a bloody metal box, through which it's hard to connect. I kind of feel the land but I can't talk to it as we're rushing through it in our iron cage. I hope we stop soon.

Meanwhile, you're incredibly tense, and seem to just be getting worse. I purr as hard and as soothingly as I can, which does seem to have an effect, but it's like trying to bail out a boat while it's still leaking.

Tiger isn't helping - he's edgy as hell too, and if my nose is not deceiving me, he's actually... afraid? Of you?! Why?!

Wait - those stripes that I saw in the shower - are they _yours_?! Do _you_ damage him - is that why he is afraid?

You two are so weird - you're obviously life mates - I think maybe even soulmates, you have the signs - but you are so ill at ease around each other.

Humans... I don't think I'll ever get you. You're _so_ counterintuitive.

 

 

_By the time the song is finishing up, I feel I've relaxed somewhat. I can almost forget for moments at a time that I'm in fucking Ireland, and imagine that we're home listening to music while I'm on my laptop and you're preparing dinner._

_Suddenly I feel *homesick*... I want to be in that scene!!_

_OK, Jimmy... we don't do *homesick* or *lovesick* or *any* kind of sick, remember?_

_Jesus Christ... who said anything about *lovesick*?? How... absurd._

_Idly I wonder if I'll know the next song that plays._

_Master and Servant begins to play... I recognize it immediately. My head swivels around to look at you, and I laugh._

_"Well, what do you know, Sebastian? You *do* have some taste when it comes to music, after all..." I grin and stare out the window, my foul mood temporarily forgotten._

 

 

Good lord - you do seem to relax with the music. The charge in the atmosphere seems to ease off a little, and I breathe a bit easier - I hadn't realized I'd been breathing shallowly for a bit. Fuck it, Jim - you get us on some wild goose chase to fucking Ireland and then you go all high-voltage - next time you have a dream you can go off on your own...

I sigh. Like I would ever abandon you...

The next song - oh. Well, you do know _that_ one... I've played it for you and you loved it. It even makes you smile - well, grin - which is an immense relief.

Suddenly the landscape looks a lot more attractive, the car drives easier, and playfully I sing along.

"With you on top and me underneath... Forget all about equality - let's play Master and Servant..."

 

 

_I laugh again, and I'm delighted when you keep singing._

_I always enjoyed hearing your voice, although for some reason I never felt I could tell you so. Like I had to be measured when it came to approval... hm. I suppose if I want to hear you sing more, I have to say something. Huh... something to think about._

_Well, you're taking my smile and laughter as approval enough, and you keep singing._

_I roll down the window, feel the wind in my hair, and completely ignoring where I am, I finally begin to enjoy being *away*..._

 

 

^-^

Oh good! You roll down the window - hopefully that means I will be able to speak with the voices on the wind.

~Hello! It's Keith - I have returned, with the Champion.~

_... kei... ho... on... wah... ng._

~Bloody hell - why are you going so _fast_ , Tiger? How am I supposed to talk with the wind if we're outracing it? Slow down, will you?~

Ugh. Talking to a brick wall...

~Oi, Champ. Get your Tiger to stop the car!~

"Yes, you're a sweet pretty kitty... almost there..."

Fucking deaf as a post, the both of you... though you should really start getting more sensitive, Champ... Maybe if I get you outside...

"Meow! Meow, meow, me-" fucking "-owwww!!" I scratch the sides of the carrier.

 

 

_I look down at the shrieking cat in my lap._

_"Chairman Meow has grown weary of his carrier," I announce. "How much longer until we get there?"_

_Slowly I begin to unzip the carrier. "Poor thing... are you hungry, darling?"_

 

 

^-^

No, you howling excuse for an idiot, I am making quite clear gestures of wanting to use the loo. Have you _ever_ met a cat before? Let me outside to have a fucking wee! You can have one as well, I don't care! Just stop the car and let me talk to the land, preferably _before_ we get into another city. Even a small one messes with the voice of the earth. I need to feel the ground beneath my paws. So do you, but I have no clue how I can get you to take your shoes off. Still - shoes on land is better than inside a metal fucking box.

"Mow!" I'm trying to sound as distressed as I can - come on Champ!

 

 

_“Erm... Methinks he needs to use a bush. Sebastian, pull over...” I say, rubbing the kitty’s fur. “It’s ok, Chairman Meow...” I coo. “We’ll find you a lovely spot to go...”_

 

 

“A bush? Jim, he’s not a dog - you can’t just let him outside. He’ll run off and you’ll never find him again.” And I do _not_ want to be stuck in Ireland with you without defuser kitty. I’ll be lucky if I only end up dead.

“Look, I put towel wadding in the carrier - he can go in there, and I’ll get him a clean towel after, I packed plenty. Just - put him in the back so he has some privacy.”

 

 

_"He doesn't *want* to go in the carrier. Would *you* like to go on a towel? I'll be with him the whole time, he won't run away - he *loves* me, don't you sweetheart? Pull over."_

 

 

Oh for...

I’m not going to have you lose your fucking cat and go ape. And I’m most certainly not going to spend the night trying to find a fucking black cat in endless fields.

I pull over, but tell you to wait before you open the door. I take both laces out of my boots, and open the carrier. “Come here Meow...”

You’re not the only one who’s skilled at bondage, Jim...

I weave a harness over the surprisingly collaborative cat that’s going to take quite some wriggling to get out of, and he doesn’t seem inclined. I finish it off with a nice loop for you to hold.

“Here you go. Hold tight onto this, and you should be alright.”

 

 

^-^

Well Tiger. That is some interesting knotwork you are performing. I am not going to run away when I’m the one who brought you here, am I? Oh well - you can’t know, I guess...

I patiently let him weave me in, and then finally, finally, the door opens and we get outside - onto the land. At last.

I feel the connection through my paws, feel the energy mingle with mine - I don’t understand why you humans insist on cutting this off with layers of stone and steel and soles of shoes... no wonder you are so lost.

You are wearing shoes, but you’re standing still and you’re on the grass - perfect.

I feel around - ~Boss?~

~Keith.~

~Boss! I'm back. I brought your Champion!~

~I know.~

Geez. Could be a bit more happy about it. That was hard work.

~I'm bringing him home now. Shouldn't take long.~

~I await you.~

Ray of sunshine, as ever...

Right, champ, now us...

~Can you hear me now, you deaf oaf?~

 

 

_I watch you as you lace up the kitty into a harness. Oh, Tiger - so resourceful, so capable. I chose well when I made you mine._

_Something about that was disturbing - that should have been, when I took *ownership* of you. Erm... when I *possessed* you? Jesus Christ, however the fuck you say it!! You *belong* to me._

_Suddenly irritated again, I take the end of the harness from you and wander off with the cat._

_Chairman Meow on the grass seems a different creature - determined, authoritative... he’s sniffing the ground but not actually *using* it. It’s almost like he’s focusing on it, like someone would if they were *listening*..._

_Maybe there are field mice - *whatever*. I want to get away from this emerald hellscape and get indoors._

_“Come *on*, kitty! Go wee, there’s a good Chairman...” I wheedle with him._

_Suddenly I hear something too... the mice must be squeaking loudly, I could have sworn I heard *talking*._

_“Kitty... please just piddle already so we can go!!” My voice is raised, but to my ears it sounds like pleading._

 

 

^-^

~What the... Can you _still_ not hear me!? Good Bast...~

I connect to the land, pull its strength into me, let it flow through me, charge me up, until I'm practically buzzing with electricity. I ask the wind to help, to strengthen my voice, feel its volume merge with mine, concentrate on you as hard as I can -

~CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? IT'S KEITH! JIM? CAN YOU HEAR ME??~

 

 

_What. The. FUCK._

_I look around wildly._

_Where did that come from... *And who the fuck is Keith*??_

_Is there someone from my past named Keith who's hiding behind a tree out here in the middle of nowhere, waiting for the day I randomly arrive in Ireland, against all odds??_

_Clearly not..._

_Is it a ghost??_

_But they *don't exist*, I plead with my rational mind._

_I look at the kitty, who's staring up at me and swishing his tail._

_"Please, kitty... please go. I don't like it here..." I whisper._

 

 

^-^

~I AM THE KITTY!! I AM KEITH! LOOK, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS ODD, BUT HEAR ME OUT, OK?~

Fuck, this is tiring. And you're looking around terrified.

I stand on my hind legs, lean against you. Your thin slacks do little to lessen the contact.

~JIM. LOOK. IT'S ME, CHAIRMAN MEOW. MY REAL NAME IS KEITH. I HAVE SOME STUFF TO TELL YOU. PLEASE DON'T FREAK OUT.~

 

 

_I'm frozen, looking at the cat._

_(Which is at least better than running across the field away from the cat, my rational mind says helpfully.)_

_Oh fuck yes, that *is* better. I'm just waiting for a cat to speak to me again, so I can somehow determine if I had a moment of total insanity, or if this is where we live now._

_"Kitty?" I whisper fearfully. "Can we please get in the car now?"_

 

 

^-^

~NOT YET - IT'S EASIER FOR ME TO TALK TO YOU WHEN WE'RE OUT HERE. YOU ARE VERY HARD OF HEARING - HAPPENS TO CITY BOYS...

LOOK. I KNOW THIS IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND, BUT EH - I'M A FAERIE CAT, OK? AND I'M TALKING WITH YOU THROUGH MAGIC. IT'LL ALL MAKE SENSE SOON.~


	3. The Dream

_It's finally happened. I've cracked - more. I mean, I've heard voices before, but they were clearly my own or generated by my psyche - I didn't think they were coming from another entity, certainly not a *cat* - oh, my apologies - a bloody *faerie cat*._

_Of course my impending madness would compel me to visit *Ireland* - the fecking *source* of my madness._

_God... maybe Sebastian was right..._

_Why'd you listen to me, anyway???_

_My mouth tightens._

_"Sorry, Kitty. I'm going to tell Sebastian to take us home, and - I've never wanted to go on medication, but I'll have to figure something out. My work is very demanding, and it doesn't leave a lot of room for going off on madcap adventures with talking cats. No matter how real it seems..." I tilt my head and look at you._

_~Can you hear me if I just you know, think at you, Kitty? Since I'm crazy anyway - I can just make up whatever rules I want, right?~ I direct my thoughts at the cat with concentration. ~I don't need Sebastian to worry any more than he already is, or do something reckless like have me COMMITTED. It would be VERY CONVENIENT if we could just converse in my head, there's a good kitty…~_

 

 

^-^

~Yes!~ Oh thank Bast, that's better. We've made the telepathic click.

~Thank fuck I don't need to yell any more. Right. We need to drive a bit further, just past Kylemore and Pollacapul Loughs, then we need to get out, and I'll take you to see the Boss, alright? He's keen to meet you, I'm sure."

 

 

_I blink at the kitty and a mad giggle escapes my lips._

_~Listen - you're very cute, and a very compelling voice for my madness, but - this was a MISTAKE. We are certainly not going any further. We'll spend the night at the B &B and then in the morning, I'll tell Sebastian I changed my mind and I want to go home. He'll be put out, but far more amenable to that plan than 'Oh Tiger, we need to go to this location in the wilderness to meet the kitty's Boss'. Now - use the grass if you need to. We're leaving.~_

 

 

^-^

~What? No - look, the city you're going to is further than the loughs. It's just a few minutes' drive. Just get the Tiger to drive us there and then it's a little walk and I'll take you to the Court. Keep up the giggle, the Boss likes that kind of thing. The Tiger will listen to you, you're _his_ Boss. Now let's just get back in the car and drive to near the Mound - it'll all be clear once you're through.~

 

 

_I stare at the kitty for a long moment._

_~That's it, Chairman Meow - this is the longest amount of time I'm willing to stand around outside in the fecking wilderness in Ireland. If you need to go, go right now. Otherwise, we're going to the car NOW.~_

_I look at the kitty, and he doesn't make a move to go. I lean down, scoop him up and head back, ignoring his protestations._

_You're leaning against the car, waiting for me - I hand you the cat, and sit down. And a meowing kitty once again gets stuffed into the carrier and placed on my lap._

_~Sorry, dearest - we're heading to the B &B as planned.~_

_Maybe some rough sex with Sebastian will shake things in my brain back to normal levels of madness... I'll endeavour to convince him fucking is a good idea, I think with a faint smile._

 

 

^-^

~No! What the fuck are you doing, you fucking dope! Let me out, you idiot!! You’re going _past_ it!!! It’s _right there!!!_ Jim! Come on! The whole reason you came here is because I got you! And now you don’t believe me? You know how _hard_ it was to get to fucking London?! Jim! JIM!!! Listen to me, you insufferable oaf!~

 

 

You look worried. I don’t know what’s going on, but your face is thunder and you’re muttering under your breath. I just drive. The sooner we get somewhere where you can be a bit distracted the better.

That fucking cat is yowling louder by the minute. God, what a disaster. A ticking time bomb Moriarty, in Ireland, with a screaming cat. I wish I was back in Afghanistan.

 

 

_I lean my head down at the carrier's window and glare at the kitty. ~Look, I know it isn't your fault that I've gone off the fecking deep end. And I'm sorry you've been stuck in a carrier all this time. But if you could JUST - TRY - TO - SHUT - UP, the ordeal will be over soon enough. I love you, Chairman Meow! Now STOP TALKING AT ME and have a lovely nap, kitty!!~_

_I sit back in my seat, my head thumping against the cushion. I hit my head against the cushion twice more for good measure, cursing as I do. "Are we almost there?" I demand. "I need a fecking drink. *Fucking* drink... FUCK!!"_

 

 

^-^

Fucking hell. How stupid can one human be?! I’m _blatantly_ standing right here talking to you and you prefer to think that you’re talking to yourself?! Just - why?! In what universe does that make more sense?

~Look, I’m not going to tell you you’re not mental, because you obviously are. It kind of comes with the job.

And I prefer our relationship remain professional, thanks.

And my name is Keith, not Chairman Meow. I said this before. Please pay attention.~

You really do look worked up. Maybe I should give you another night and I’ll be able to work on you in your dreams - much easier than working in words.

~Look, Jim, it’s all going to be alright. Just go to where you stay, have a shag with your Tiger, and have a good sleep. Things may look clearer in the morning. It’s a lot to get your head round, trust me, I know...~

 

 

 _~Oh, you know, do you... sure, and why wouldn’t you, my dear figment kitty. You clearly have an understanding of how my mind works, given that the source of your voice is my fecking mind falling apart. But it’s FINE. It’s all going to be FINE. Even you agree I need a stress-free evening! That means no talking kitties named Keith, are we understood? You’re Chairman Meow and you adore me. I’m bloody adorable, goddammit... speaking of being adored..._ ~

_I look up from the carrier to you. Jaisus, Sebastian - I’ve never seen you so tense. *Jesus*, I mean... fuck fuck *fuck*!!_

 

 

You’re scowling worse and worse - at the cat now. What’s he done? He was the light of your life an hour ago.

You’re tenser than a violin string and I do not like it... tense Jim tends to lead to hurt Tiger; if I’m lucky mostly physically.

Clifden is looming on the horizon, a few houses scattered among some churches; lots of green. It looks very pleasant... which doesn’t lessen my worries any.

I manoeuvre to the BnB, a quaint and cute cottage. We’ll have it to ourselves; in a bout of foresight I booked out all rooms - the last thing we want is a member of the public knocking on our door at 1 am asking us to keep it quiet and you ripping his jugular out.

I hope I can get you calmed down a little and then we can do whatever you came to do tomorrow and leave.

I’m really worried about your state of mind... you’re grinding your teeth and muttering - I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so worked up.

I pick up the suitcases as you carry the cat, telling him to be fucking quiet - the poor thing probably just needs the litter tray. The key is under a flower pot - I roll my eyes at the impressive security.

Inside the place is cosy and warm - fresh flowers on the table, lots of pine and colourful cushions, a welcoming note in a feminine hand - I’m surprised it doesn’t all burst into flames as your gaze torches it.

 

 

_The bedroom is as pleasant and homely as downstairs. I scowl at it._

_"Isn't this *charming*, Sebastian..." I say in a nasty voice. "Will there be faeries to tuck us in at night?"_

_The cat's head turns sharply and he looks back at me with a piercing gaze._

_~Not a word from you. Or I'll keep you in the carrier all night~, I warn him. We're locked into some kind of staring contest which I'm sure I'll win until Sebastian distracts me, and I jump._

_"What are you doing? Let him out," you say, pouring litter into the tray you picked up en route._

_"I was just *about to*, darling... *obviously*," I say, sounding testy. I place the carrier on a table, and after a stern look I unzip it. Chairman Meow bursts forth and looks at me, swishing his tail._

_~Oh, just - do your business for fuck's sake...~_

_I knock the carrier on the floor, before throwing myself on the bed and covering my face with my hands._

_"I could really use a drink, Sebastian..."_

 

 

Yeah, me too...

I head to the kitchen, where the ‘fully-stocked fridge’ doesn’t disappoint. I pour myself a Guinness, drink half of it in one go, pour you a glass of sweet red, lean my head against the fridge.

Jim.

What the fuck is happening with you.

I down the rest of the Guinness, pour another can, carry the drinks upstairs, with some cheese and crackers, eclairs, and apples; put it on the table, hand you your drink, and get the cat food out for Chairman Meow, who seems less keen on your company than before. The feeling appears to be mutual.

I sigh, put the food on the floor in the landing, move the litter tray out of the room as well. I’ve had enough cat for a bit.

I sit down next to you on the bed. The tension is palpable. I take another gulp of my Guinness, put the glass down.

I could just not...

but whatever happens, seeing you like this is worse.

Much worse.

I take off my shirt, my T-shirt, kneel on the bed, facing you.

“Go ahead.”

 

 

_I hear you leave and return, putting things on the table. I don’t bother uncovering my face. My shoulder is nudged with a wine glass and I roll over so I can drink it. My eyes remain closed. I really don’t give a *fuck* what is happening in this goddamn room, as long as no one is bothering me._

_I feel you sit on the bed. Oh Tiger, just *don’t*. Do *not* give me a hard time about this, do *not* be kind and concerned... I hear muffled sounds of clothing being stripped off. (Really *not* in the mood for sex either. Piss off or you’re going to get fucking hurt.)_

_Go ahead?? And *what*, Sebastian..._

_My eyes fly open angrily, and I see you kneeling on the bed... shirtless... your face expressionless._

_I sit up abruptly and stare at you. I watch as my hand floats out and touches your face._

_Always giving me everything..._

_*Never leave me, Tiger...*_

_I wince at the thought, the weakness you brought out, *bring out* in me._

_I feel my eyes glinting at you, and my hand jerks back from your face. “You think I *won’t*? Is this your way of *proving* something to me? What, Sebastian? What are you trying to *fucking prove*?”_

 

 

Thank you, Jim...

“I know you _will_. It’s how you calm down. It’s who you are - who _we_ are. Violence is the only option. I’m not trying to fucking prove _anything_.”

I look at your face, which looks confused, furious. Come on Jim. We both know it’s going to happen. Don’t drag it out. Please, please don’t bring _psychology_ into this.

 

 

_I feel my heart beating furiously in my chest._

_“Yes, you *fucking are*...”_

_I snarl, and feel my fist slam against your jaw._

_Pain explodes in my hand and I look down at it in shock. I look back at you as your head is turning back and I flinch as if I was the one who got punched._

 

 

It’s a relief, when it comes. The unbearable tension finally snaps.

Pain, in my jaw, yes, of course. You’re a good fighter. But I saw it coming, moved my head with the blow; I’ve had worse. I taste blood; a tooth pierced my lip. I lick it.

I see you flinch - what’s that?

 

 

_I glare at you. I really wasn't in the mood for this, and these *twinges* I'm feeling now *aren't helping* - what the fuck *is* that?_

_"Fucking right you're trying to prove something!" I shout. "Ohh, poor Jim! I'd be sooo lost without you to take care of me! It's not like I wasn't taking care of myself from the time I was fecking *twelve years old*!" I look around the room in a fury. "Now here I am, back in *bloody Ireland* again!"_

_I jump off the bed and stalk around the room in a fury._

_"This was *not* supposed to happen... how could you let this happen!!" I shriek._

_I launch myself at you, and start punching you in the ribs and stomach._

 

 

Shouting... pacing... worked up...

Yes, fucking Ireland... worst place in the fucking world. I’ve never been before, but I’ve never been so uncomfortable anywhere. I’m really not sure you’re not losing it... I pray that you will calm down after this...

There we go. Fists, rage, attack. I tighten my stomach muscles.

 

 

_I pant as I pace around the room._

_"The thing *is*, Sebastian..." I say in my mad sing-song voice, "My mental health is not up for debate, but I'm not some frail little creature to be *pitied*!" My fist pummels your stomach._

_"Or mollycoddled!"_

_I throw a sharp jab into your cheek._

_"Or handled!"_

_I punch your ribs._

_"Just remember I'm not your little pet, Sebastian - I'm your employer and I'm *fucking dangerous*!!" I howl, before headbutting you._

_Then I sink to the floor, covering my face and whimpering._

_"Oh god... I'm *sorry*..." I whisper under my breath. "Why do you let me do this??"_

 

 

...

... this.

Is new...

... you don't apologize.

Ever.

 _Especially_ not for violence.

My jaw aches and my ribs throb - my nose is bleeding, as is the inside of my mouth -

There's white noise in my head -

You're on the floor, you're whimpering, saying you're feeling _sorry_ -

This does not happen. We don't do this.

Violence, we do. It's how we deal with stuff.

We don't then go and _cry_ about the violence.

I -

don't know what to do.

 

 

_Right. Get it *the fuck* together, Moriarty._

_I escaped Ireland once, it *will not* get the better of me._

_I lower my hands, eyes wide and suck in my breath._

_"You were right, Sebastian. I feel *much* calmer..."_

_I compose my face into a cool mask, and indifference slides into place. I almost sob with relief, but I take the encroaching feelings and flick them out into space._

_"Taking a shower," I say in a bored voice._

_I disappear into the bathroom. Once inside, I press my head against the door for a moment. I feel my muscles start to tremble and I clench my jaw. No - we're not doing this. I push off from the door, remove my clothes, and get into the shower where I blast hot water at myself until my skin feels like it's burning._

 

 

I'm sitting frozen on the bed - I've never seen you like this.

Vulnerable?

I don't know - I can't -

I have never dealt with this.

Finally you look at me, your usual icy look, and walk out.

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding.

There's another bathroom with the other room on this floor I believe, I'll go there, clean myself up.

I open the door and Chairman Meow shoots in, slides on the wooden floor, rushes at the bathroom door, then launches himself at me, meowing in distress.

I shrug. "Yeah, sorry, mate. Your chosen humans are mental." Blood drips from my nose on the floor; I pinch my nose and walk across the landing to the other room, head into the bathroom, wet some toilet tissue to clean off the blood. I look at the shower, but I don't dare leave you alone too long. Instead I go downstairs and put some ice cubes in a tea towel, hold it over my nose, go back to the bedroom, where Chairman Meow is staring at the bathroom door like he's trying to will it to burst into flames.

I sink back down on the bed, take a large sip of my Guinness.

 

 

_I would stay under this water all night if I could, but my skin is going to get bright red and I really don't need your hypervigilance for signs of *something wrong with Jim*... clearly something's wrong with Jim, we don't need to make a big fuss about it. *God*, imagine your reaction if you knew the cat was talking to me - I mean if you knew I *thought* the cat was - whatever. That cat was bad news. You were right about that too - is it amazing to be right about everything, Sebastian?_

_I'm trying to keep my level of anger up, because it's the best armour I could have in this moment against this *feeling* - what I imagine guilt would feel like if I felt such things..._

_I'm exhausted, so all I can attain is resentment and moodiness._

_I shut the water off, towel off. Pull on a t-shirt and sweatpants - the last thing I need is to be feeling your body which I just brutalized. Maybe I should tell you to take another room. Would you listen? Would I want to sleep alone in Ireland? I can only imagine the nightmares that are waiting for me here..._

_I throw open the door, and walk out in a cloud of steam._

_You're sitting on the bed, waiting... holding ice against your nose. Looking swollen. Bruises forming. Fuck. Do I have to look at this?_

_"If you want to take another room..." I mumble and trail off. I pull back the covers, throw myself onto the bed, and cover my head with the duvet. There I breathe and silently plead for sleep to take me soon._

 

 

^-^

I said I'd leave you alone, and I will, but it's so fucking frustrating to see you waste time in this house. We could be dancing to the tunes of the mad pipes by now, and you'd be much happier as well as me.

I'm moved into the hallway, which is fine with me - if I'm not allowed to talk I'd just as soon not spend time with the two of you. The tension between you is palpable - what's the big deal? Are you always so cheerful?

Then, just as I'm tucking in to the food - angry voices - you and your Tiger are fighting -

Punches - shouting -

No - it's just _you_. _You_ are shouting. Tiger is the one getting punched, by the sound of the small _oof_ s I hear.

He's your whipping boy, is he? Well don't wear him out, you'll need him.

~Fuck's sake Jim, what the fuck are you doing?!~

No response - I don't think you heard me. Your mind feels like an angry swarm of wasps, it's unpleasant.

~JIM! LISTEN TO ME! STOP FIGHTING! YOU WILL NEED YOUR TIGER!! DON'T DAMAGE HIM!~

Fury - Frustration...

Finally, finally - deflation. The fire leaves you like air being let out of a balloon.

~Jim?~

An iron curtain is being drawn across your mind shutting me out.

Fucking hell -

~Jim, let me in! JIM!!!~

The door opens, but you're not there - water sounds from behind a door - Tiger looks rather the worse for wear.

'Your chosen humans are mental' – _chosen?!_ Like I would ever hang around with you loonies of my own volition!? I try to open the bathroom door, but it's well and truly closed. I stare at it, try to reach your mind, but you are shut off tight. I sigh, furious, as Tiger comes back into the room, the blood cleaned up, looking at the bathroom door with what looks like the same worry as me.

 _Finally_ it opens. You ignore me, go to the bed, hide yourself under the covers. Such confusing feelings - terror, fury, shame - it's like your inside is screaming out loud and your mind is keeping a very tight lid on it.

I'll have to somehow get behind that lid...

I sneak under the bed. I do not want to be thrown out of the room - I will need to be close to you as you sleep.

Bloody hell, Jim...

 

 

You walk back into the room, still scowling, mumble something about me taking another room.

Bloody hell, Jim. I don't want to leave you alone when you're like this...

You fall onto the bed, turn your back to me, pull the covers over your head. I'm clearly too much.

I swallow. We don't sleep apart - not when we're in the same building. Even after fights, you've never sent me away.

_Fucking Ireland._

I get up, pick up my suitcase, walk to the other room. I make sure to leave the doors open.

 

 

_I toss and turn, and sleep will not find me. I haven't slept by myself for a while... am I that dependent on you? *Not good, Jimmy*... how did I let it get this far without realizing...?_

_I mean, I've slept without you when you were on a mission, or I was in another country on Empire business. But that was different - you weren't *in the next room*. How can I be expected to sleep like this? Why did you make it so easy to hurt you?? And why is it *bothering* me so much this time?! (*Every time*...)_

_I shake my head furiously. This *won't do*. I can't be awake all night worried that the cat will start talking to me again. I need rest. I need relief. I need..._

_I jump out of bed and pad down the hall. I peer into the room where you're in bed, and silently slip in next to you. Facing the wall, barely breathing, I wait._

 

 

 _Like_ I am ever going to get to sleep. I'm listening for the slightest sound from you, but all I’m hearing are all kinds of things that aren't you - an owl, a dog barking, the fridge switching on in the kitchen below - every tiny noise makes my ears prick up - _Jim?_ \- no.

Why did we have to go here? What the fuck is going on, Jim? You had a fucking _dream!?_ Which you let drag you out to the place of your nightmares, and now you're living your fucking nightmare, and dragging me along into it? And then throwing me out of your bed?

I turn over, for the fiftieth time. What do I _do_ if you lose your mind? If I lose you... I can't lose you...

Sounds. Creaking floorboards. Are you going to the bathroom? No - walking into the hallway - downstairs? No - your silhouette in the door -

I stay very still.

You slip into the bed. Oh, _Jim_...

It takes all my self-control to keep from turning over and grasping you into my arms.

But - surely you want that - why would you change your mind and slip into bed with me? You need protection from Ireland - and my arms are strong and muscular, _made_ to protect you... from everything...

You lie with your back to me, tense, unmoving. Slowly, I turn over, carefully, like you're a little bird that will fly away if I make a sudden movement. A cautious hand on your hip. No response - no short shift away, no hand pushing me off. The hand moves further. Your body is so tense... Gently, slowly, I move nearer, my arm over your chest, around you, fulfilling its purpose - keeping any and all threat away from you.

I believe I can feel you get marginally less tense.

Maybe there will be sleep tonight.

 

 

^-^

You're tossing and turning and ~for _fuck's_ sake Jim, go to your fucking Tiger... you'll never get to sleep like this...~

 _Finally_.

I follow you discreetly, wait a bit until you and your Tiger have settled into what seems reasonable quiet, though neither of you are asleep, and hop lightly onto the foot of the bed, just slightly touching your foot. I start purring, attempting to reverberate the soothing vibrations through the bed.

 

 

_I press back slightly against your chest... *god, I want more*... I find myself thinking._

_Like I have the right to more after hurting you? Huh?? Why is that even a factor suddenly - since when don't I just get what I want?_

_Does this have to do with the cat or fucking Ireland or... there's definitely *something* that's fucking up the natural order. Something is not right. I'm not right. More so than usual..._

_All I know is I feel like I'm in the scariest place on earth, I felt safer in Baghdad than here... and the only reason I'm holding it together is this arm._

_This arm and the sound of you breathing._

_I know I shouldn't do it, I know, I fucking *know better*..._

_I place my hand over yours._

 

 

Your hand on mine. You must be feeling really upset if you're letting yourself reach out for comfort... showing yourself to be vulnerable in front of me.

I know you're not vulnerable, Jim... I know you're tough as nails, no one will ever get to you... you're a rock. An island. Untouchable. Unreachable. Everyone knows this. So it doesn't matter if you touch my hand, and I pull you a little bit closer, so your knees fold around mine, your back presses into my chest, my nose is in your hair. So I am all around you, between you and the world, and no one and nothing will ever get past me, Jim... not even Ireland.

 

^-^

~Now just fucking _relax_ , you two, alright? Bast on a bicycle, I've hunted mice who were less tense.~

~Boss, a little help here? A wee nudge in a dream, perhaps? He's practically in your lap - if you want him, surely you could help out a little? Boss?~

No idea if he heard me... I'm fucking tired after having been awake all day, but there's no rest for the wicked, is there...

~Jim... relax... sleep... tomorrow, we'll go to the Mound. It's nearby. We'll just go for a walk... it's beautiful there... you _really_ want to go.~

I have a sudden idea - ~It's the fastest way out of Ireland...~

 

 

_I feel so much more of you, suddenly. I sigh in relief._

_I can get through this, I can get through this if you're here... I thought the cat was the comfort I needed, but - the cat is a source of stress now, and I don't want to think about him. The only thing that's making me feel safe is how your arm feels, how your legs feel against mine, how your nose is pressed into my hair, breathing me in. I feel my muscles slowly soften and relax, and I allow myself to inch closer to you._

_*Safe now*, I think and begin to drift._

 

 

^-^

Good... drifting off, the both of you... I won't be able to reach Tiger, not here in a house of stone, but I can reach you, Jim...

~The Mound. You need to go to the Mound. It's near Pollacappul Lough. It'll get you _away_ from here, Jim. _No more_ Irish people, I promise. Just go to the Mound, bring me, bring the kitty, it's essential, you won't be able to find it otherwise; you'll be stuck here. You don't want that - you want to go to the Mound.~

~Boss? A little help here?~

I think I can feel his presence drifting in...

Good. Do your own bloody dirty work.

I'm not thinking that out loud.

 

 

_My sleep is so strange... I don't have the nightmares that I expected, that felt like they were crowding in on me, waiting for their moment. It feels like having a Tiger sentry is keeping them at bay. But I seem to be drifting through some kind of liminal state between waking and sleep._

_Throughout the night I keep waking with a start to make sure you're still there, and moving closer to your body. When I fall back asleep, it's like someone's talking to me - a different voice than the cat. If I were awake, I'd be deeply distressed by this. But instead, I hear myself thinking, ~Yes, yes - of course, I'm your man.~_

_Am I dreaming of... Tiger?? No, it didn't sound like his voice. But who else would I be saying ‘I'm your man’ to, I wonder drowsily._

_~Sleep now~, I hear alongside muffled giggles and bells. The voice has gloved hands, and guides me gently to a misty pond._

_~Ready? One - two –~_

 

_I'm sinking into a dark pond..._

_hands are guiding me along..._

_there's child-like singing through the waves..._

_I can breathe, which is strange..._

_Also strange is coming through the other end of the pond and finding myself in a cavern, where I see - a throne? Yes, a grand throne carved out of rock._

_I touch the rough black rock, and it seems to shimmer._

_~Cheeky is he who would touch something not his!~ I hear, and turn around quickly._

_There's no one there, but I hear the same muffled giggles as before and the clink of bells._

_I glare around the cavern, fury building in me. "Show yourself..."_

_~Oh! Covets the throne and demands our audience. Issues *orders*, bossy one... very *bossy*, dear child...~_

_A chill moves through me. "I'm not a child..." I say through my teeth. "And I don't like repeating myself..."_

_Laughter bounces off the walls. "Delightful... Oh dear prince, we shall have such fun! Follow the cat like a good little prince, and you will be *shown*…"_

_"Shown *what*?" I demand, outraged._

_There's a feeling of shrieking winds and flapping wings rushing at me. I duck and fall to the ground, scraping my palms on hard rock where I fall._

_"*Himself*!!" The word echoes throughout the cavern like being in a carnival from a horror film, and I throw my arms over my face. "Seb-"_

_"-astian!" I wake up saying loudly._

_I jump up and look around wildly. I relax slightly when I see the darkened bedroom, and press my hands against my face._

_The slight pressure against my hands makes me wince. I stare in disbelief at the bleeding scrape marks and bits of black stone in my trembling palms._

 

 

_JIM!!!_

I'm torn from sleep by you calling out my name, shooting upright in bed. In a reflex I grab my gun off the nightstand, but there's no one here - you must have had a bad dream. Not surprising, in fucking Ireland...

I turn to you, to see you stare at your hands in disbelief. I look at them - see dark smudges and spots.

What on earth? I reach for the bedside light, blink into the sudden brightness.

You look like you've fallen down on a poorly maintained road. I touch your hand –

You didn't leave the bed since you got in here, I'd have woken. You didn't go outside before coming here after you'd got into the other bed.

Where the _fuck_ did that come from?

I look up at your face. You stare back at me, wide-eyed.

 

 

_"I'm not - imagining this. Right? This... you see this?" I demand._

 

 

I nod, speechless.

I had considered you might be going mad.

You're a genius.

You might be going mad, and trying to convince me that _I_ am going mad as well? _Somehow_ smuggled some tarmac into your suitcase, rubbed it on your hands before coming here?

No - your hand touched me before we went to sleep, it was soft and pristine.

Still - you're capable of much more intricate tricks, I know you are -

But - why?!

I look at you. Whatever is going on - you look as stupefied as I feel, and even if it is a trick ( _Why?!_ ) - what could I do or say?

"What happened, Jim?"

 

 

_”I - I had a dream. I got pulled into some other place, like a faerie world or an underworld. And I fell and scraped my hands..." I trail off, staring at them. "It hurts..."_

 

 

“You had another dream...” I repeat. “We’re here because you had a dream. And now you’re hurt because of a dream? How on Earth - where did the stones come from?!”

My protectiveness kicks me in the brain, and I let it take over. “Come, let me clean that...”

I carefully lead you into the bathroom, pick the bits of stone from your hand - they feel odd, very cold, like I’m picking them up from chilly night ground, rather than from your hands. I run the tap with lukewarm water and wash the grit from your scrapes, then put disinfectant on them. I idly wonder if you can get infections from dream stones...

I pick one up, look at it. They don’t look like tarmac stones. They’re not tar, or slate, but pitch black, like obsidian, every one of them.

“Jim. Do you have _any idea_ what’s happening?!”

I see movement from the corner of my eye, turn to see the cat sneaking into the bathroom, sitting in the corner, licking its paw with a smug face.

Stop it Sebastian. You’re at it now. Cats don’t look smug. And if they did you wouldn’t spot it. You’re anthropomorphizing.

 

 

_I rub my eye, careful not to touch the scrapes._

_"No..." I say weakly. "I told you, I felt like I was being led by the first dream... now I feel like this dream is telling me the next part to follow. But I know you already think I'm cracking, and - maybe you're right, maybe I *am* -" I say in a mad jumble. I can't say the part about the cat talking to me, I *can't*..._

_"But there's something about these dreams... I *don't* think that's in my head..." I say, looking up at you wistfully._

 

 

You're looking at me like you're afraid I'll laugh, or leave -

never -

"Jim... whatever is going on, I'm with you. I don't think you're cracking."

You look at me, raising an eyebrow sceptically.

"OK, I'll admit, it has crossed my mind - but regardless - I'm with you. I've _so often_ thought you were mad, mental, insane, doing the impossible - and I _always_ followed you, and you have _always_ turned out to be right in whatever you pursued. I'm not going to scrap the habit of a lifetime. If you want to follow this dream, I'm right beside you."

 

 

_I feel..._

_I *feel*..._

_humbled-relieved-grateful-moved. An intense flash of feelings and sensations that seizes me, takes my breath away. I stifle it quickly, like snuffing a candle._

_I let out a long sigh and look at you. "You're just -" I sigh again. "Sebastian, your loyalty is terribly misplaced in someone like me. You should probably consider that, but I don't actually *want* you to... so that's the last time I'll ever suggest it. I'm far too selfish to want what's best for someone else - I want what I want for *me*. Just know that - everything you do is... appreciated." I blink, and look back down at my hands. "I thought we would leave today, but... I feel like I should continue. Mad though this path may be... I feel like if you have my back, Tiger - " I look back at you, and our eyes lock into an intense gaze. "- then I'll be OK."_

 

 

 _Misplaced?!_ What the fuck, Jim.

What's - best for someone else?

_Appreciated!?_

Wow. That is - quite something for you to say.

You can say what you like about this crazy stuff, but it has shown a side of you one doesn't normally get to see. Apologizing. Thanking. Touching. And now - appreciating.

It sounds so stupid; but you don't usually show appreciation. You'll say 'Well done Tiger,' or something occasionally, but expressing appreciation for everything I do, and saying that my loyalty is misplaced - is that you saying you don't _deserve_ me?!

I feel so moved - I don't know if I can - but before I know it my hand has moved out - I'm touching your face - what the fuck, Seb - you don't just touch his face -

I'm looking at my hand, not sure what to do now it's there. I can't pull it away, though that is my first impulse. That would be even worse.

For want of something better, I stroke your jaw, then drop my hand.

 

 

_Normally I would flinch at being touched... *no*, normally, I would shove you away and yell at you._

_But we left the city limits of Normal a ways back._

_So I stifle both impulses. There's something about... it still being dark out, being in *fucking* Ireland, and still feeling freaked out by the cat and now the dream..._

_and the little matter of feeling twinges of something from last night (Regret? *Guilt*??)..._

_instead I look at you curiously, as if seeing you for the first time._

_Such a loyal Tiger..._

_my loyal Tiger..._

_my loyal, *devoted* Tiger..._

_(*mine*)_

_My eyes widen as you stroke my jaw, then your hand drops._

_And then I have to stop myself from yelling, "I was *enjoying* that!"_

_There's *a lot* of stifling impulses and feelings going on..._

_It's very confusing and I blame fucking Ireland... and that cat who's looking at us very smugly from the doorway._

 

 

You look confused - I can't blame you. I'm confused too. Only the fucking cat doesn't look confused.

I look at your hands.

"Shall we - are you ok going back to bed? Or -"

How do you ask someone if they're afraid they'll have another dream that will manifest fucking stones scraping their hands?

 

 

_"I - don't think so. And I feel like I'm *suffocating* in here... I need to go out for some air."_

_I look at you, unsure. I've never 'gone out for air' before - is that something a bodyguard accompanies you to do, outside of a quaint B &B? Am I supposed to *ask*, or will you just automatically come with? I don't want to ask! But I don't want to go by myself!_

_I head to the bedroom and bundle into a jacket._

_"Sebastian..." I say slowly. "Did you know there are deer in Ireland... with big stabby antlers? And... insects. That bite and sting. And cows. It could be dangerous out there... come find me if I don't come back soon."_

 

 

Going out for some air? That's not like you - you don't like outside. It's cold and you're afraid of insects.

You're heading into the bedroom where your suitcase is and put on your jacket. I'm about to go get some trousers when you talk about... dangerous Irish animals?

You're really not helping me feel at ease about your sanity, Jim...

"I'll just grab my trousers from the other room," I tell you. You look - relieved? That I'm coming with you outside? What - are you afraid of the _dark_ now?

_No - he's afraid of Ireland. Don't be a dick and go with him, protect him, be a fucking bodyguard._

I get dressed and follow you outside.

 

 

_I stand on the veranda, squinting out into the blackness._

_"It's deceptively charming, isn't it," I mutter. "So green, so mysterious... such *shite*... do you have a cigarette?"_

_You look at me as if to say, 'Who are you asking?' which makes me smile faintly. You light one for each of us, and I take a drag._

_"It gets under your skin, this place... it twists you up. Mark me, darling - it's no coincidence that the psychopath by the name of James Moriarty hails from this land. Madmen and poets..." I mutter. "And don't forget the abusive pricks, too. I don't want to talk about it..." I glare at you, and take another drag._

 

 

What does _that_ mean? 'I don't want to talk about it', quick look - do you want me to ask?

No... You're really just barely holding onto whatever is left of your sanity, I don't think now is the time to talk about whoever made you into the insane psychopath I know and love.

I just move a little closer, my sleeve barely touching yours, just making sure you know I'm here.

I stare out into the dark. I've been in dark places much more often than you, my precious city boy, and can see in the dark better than you, we've discovered. The moon is setting, but it's still quite light out here. It looks nice - the garden is in full leaf, silver and black in the moonlight.

One of the black shadows moves towards us and my heart leaps and my hand moves to my gun, when I spot it's the cat. Shit - I didn't think to keep it in. Still, it seems quite happy to stay close - it's sitting down behind us on the veranda and starts washing itself.

 

 

_I don't know why I said that, why did I say that why did I *say that*..._

_You don't respond except to move closer. I can feel you millimetres away..._

_Maybe I just wanted you to know... there are reasons for my cruelty, Seb._

_I hear cat sounds behind us. I think to lunge for him in a panic, but - he doesn't seem to be interested in leaving me._

_Neither of you want to leave me._

_I stand in the dark, smoking, millimetres away from you, sometimes feeling your sleeve touch my arm._

_"I don't know why we never thought to go away before, Sebastian... so good for the mind to stop worrying, isn't it?" I cross my eyes, and blow smoke at you. "I'm feeling *refreshed*, aren't you?"_

 

 

"Tremendously," I reply. "I have to admit, Ireland wouldn't have been my first choice for a holiday. But it's ever so charming - grey skies, not a decent pizza place in sight, and nightmares which hurt your hands - it's a miracle the London jet set isn't all over this place."

 

 

_I regard you, my smile growing. You're such an irreverent, sarcastic shit. This is why I -_

_*no no no do NOT keep going think of anything else anything else anything else think of stags tearing through the woods with blood-tipped antlers and red eyes, think of angry bellowing cows also with red eyes, think of insects ripping off pieces of flesh and laughing wildly, just do NOT think about what you were going to say*_

_Stags, cows, laughing insects, all with red eyes - check._

_"Oh, they just don't know about it. We'll spread the word..." I manage to sound snarky and not alarmed. "This is horrible. Let's go back in, and maybe I can catch a few more winks..." I yawn and open the door. Chairman Meow goes in ahead of me, head high and tail swishing._

 

 

I toss my fag end on the floor, put my boot on it to put it out, follow you inside. I'm quite awake, but I usually have no trouble getting back to sleep - if I weren't afraid I'd wake up to you having been hurt by some weird interactive fucking dream.

Damn it, Jim - I don't understand what's happening. Either you're going mental and are determined to drag me off with you, or...

... or what?!

It makes my head hurt. I _do not_ believe in poltergeists or whatever.

But the thought that you brought along stones to play an elaborate trick on me -

I do not _want_ to believe that.

Whatever. Back to priorities, soldier. I am your bodyguard, I protect you. If you're going crazy, I'll be right there, making sure you don't hurt yourself.

And if you're being haunted... well, I'm going to show those fucking ghosts they have taken on the wrong human. This one is under my protection, and I'll get a fucking exorcist from the Vatican itself.

 


	4. The Fuck

_There's a haunting melody in my head - I'm sure I heard it before, maybe in childhood. The thing is, before today I would never have thought of it - but suddenly it was in my dream, and it all came back to me._

_Now I hear it as I'm climbing the stairs, I hear it as I'm heading into the bedroom... (*your* bedroom; what a joke. I wasn't able to last more than fifteen minutes in my own bed) and I'm hearing it as I sit on the bed, and watch you lie down._

_You're watching me. There's concern, but something else, too._

_I pull off my jacket and turn to throw it onto a chair. Then I peel off my t-shirt, and look back over my shoulder at you._

_Still watching... and things just got *charged*..._

_We're looking at each other, not moving._

_And then slowly, slowly I pull off my sweatpants._

_What happens next we don't do. Ever._

_But with this song in my head, it feels like the only possible action to take is to crawl to you and over your body... to gently touch the bruises on your face... to lower my head and drink from your lips like the sweetest wine._

_We don't do this. Not ever._

_But somehow I find myself lowering down onto you, and making a noise in my throat as I feel your skin slide against mine._

_We never do this, *ever*._

_But here I am, running my hands through your hair, pressing my mouth to yours, and whispering "I'm glad you're here" against your lips..._

 

 

I pull off my clothes, sit on the bed, looking at you getting undressed.

I know it's entirely inappropriate - you're distressed - possibly mad, possibly haunted -

Stop it, Moran...

I can't help it, you're so fucking hot... and alright, I'm a bit of a horny bastard, but fuck...

Not that I'm going to act on it. You need your rest.

Oh god, those eyes though...

...oh.

...oh?

... _oh_...

What...

gentle touching?

kissing?

stroking my hair?!

_'I'm glad you're here'??_

... you _are_ going mad. Or you're haunted by a... sweet poltergeist? Is that a thing?

Whatever, I'm defenceless at sweet Jim; I am melting into a soft puddle of Tiger, feeling your caresses so much more acutely than your punches from last night.

I raise up my own hand, tentatively, stroke your hair, your neck, your shoulder...

 

 

_I'm aware in the back of my mind that there will need to be an accounting for this behaviour tomorrow... It could not be more different from what we normally do, or what I'm normally like. Maybe I can blame it on feeling distressed? Because I wasn't myself?_

_I can't exactly blame it on the song in my head..._

_But it's not just in my head... it's almost like it's *coming from the cave*..._

_Why is there a link from the cave in my dream to my conscious mind??_

_The music is heard more clearly and now there's a feeling of dreamy enchantment pouring into me as well._

_Someone is going to answer for this, I think darkly, pulling myself out of it for a moment._

_I swear I hear a mocking voice say ‘Yes, little one?’ buried in the music._

_‘YES’ I respond furiously before succumbing to the music and lifting my hand to your cheek and caressing it._

_Then I lean in and kiss you._

_It's not a kiss you give to your bodyguard who you're fucking and whipping and cutting._

_It's a kiss that is found at the end of a faerie tale..._

_‘Or the beginning of a love story?’ the voice is clearer now, and sounds merely curious._

_‘I don't believe in any of that!!’ I protest furiously._

_The voice replies, ‘And you are telling us this because...?’_

_‘Because you're making me do this!’ I respond angrily._

_‘Dear child... Is that what you think?’ the voice responds with amusement, and then there's nothing._

_Nothing but the music winding through me, my lips on yours, and our bodies responding to this new way of touching - as if they've always known what to do. As if they'd been waiting._

 

 

I'm watching your face - you seem to be warring with something inside you, pondering, scowling, then kissing me, which melts me... and then you freeze again, and I open my eyes and see you frown again. It looks like you're having a fight inside your head... I'm sure you do those all the time, but they're usually not that clear on your face. Oh Jim... what's going on with you?

I'll have to worry about it later... there are more urgent matters to attend to, like your hands all over me, caressing ( _caressing?!_ ), your lips kissing and exploring - what the fuck, Jim - you don't stroke, you strike, you don't kiss, you bite, you don't caress, you cut - you're a wild animal or a cold calculating machine, you're _not_ , _ever_ , a _lover_...

Except you are now, and I'll be damned if I'm going to miss out on this...

My hands roam over your body unpunished, my tongue explores your lips, my body melds to yours as it always does, but it is so sweetly rewarded for its efforts...

 

 

_Our bodies melt together, as if we're one entity._

_I feel my cock press against yours, already fully erect (of course). Mine hardens in response._

_My hand moves down from your face and caresses your muscular chest and abdomen. Your body has always turned me on, made me feel such intense desire - this is partly why I treated it so harshly, as if punishing you for making me feel so much desire and... longing._

_It's unwrapped now from the barbed wire that covered it before - I have *longed* to touch you this way, feel your body this way..._

_*Fuck, Jimmy*..._

_My hand hesitates then moves down to your cock, and you moan. I catch your moan in my mouth, slip my tongue past your lips. Your tongue demands entrance into my mouth, and we're kissing like the world is burning and this is our final moment on earth._

_It feels like I started a small fire and you threw gasoline at it. Of course - you've been pent up for months, haven't you? Longing for more, longing for *me*..._

_Oh god... We are *so fucked*..._

_But if our world is going to burn anyway... then let's have our final moment before everything goes to hell._

_And we can burn with it..._

_"I want you..." I hear myself whisper._

_Jesus... I may as well have handed you a can of petrol._

 

 

Fuck, oh _fuck_ , you’re touching me, and it does feel magical...

I want you I need you come here, Jim... I can touch, feel, pull, embrace, hold; and it feels so overwhelmingly good, so intensely intoxicating - I’m like a kid in a sweet shop, not able to decide where to start with all the delights on offer.

My tongue presses against your mouth, is given access, I can’t suppress a groan of surprised joy; and you’re kissing me back, passionately, but not your usual predatory fire, it’s soft, not hard...

I’m ignited, on fire, almost afraid of the intensity of the burning inside me - what will happen if you don’t restrain my passion? Will it consume us both?

I groan at your whisper.

“I’m yours, Jim... always, all ways.

How do you want me?!” I breathe.

 

 

_"Underneath me... my cock inside your arse... you moaning, sweating, calling my name..." I whisper into your ear, and I smile as you shiver in response._

_I think I'm getting the hang of this... which is irrelevant, as this is the one and only time we'll be doing this. But if I'm going to do it, then I need to be fucking masterful, and I need you to be insensate._

_I lick your earlobe and caress your cock._

_It's as intoxicating to see you respond to pleasure as to pain._

 

 

Oh god - licks, strokes - and your _words_ -

I’m already burning and you have barely started - I mean, I love your pain, your restraints, but this... this is like having a new lover, who happens to be the man I adore, and oh god Jim...

I feel guilty for a flash, because what if you are like this because you are losing your mind?

Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now, is there? And you want this, you want me, and god, I want you...

“Lube’s - in my suitcase -“ I pant.

 

 

_"Well, you'd better get it - hadn't you?" I say in a voice like rippling silk, and slide off you._

_I watch, smiling as you practically jump from the bed for your suitcase. Hmm - I'm being less dominating, less threatening, but you're just as quick to do as I say._

_You return with the tube and I hold out my hand. I uncap it and squirt some onto my fingers as I watch you lie down in front of me._

_Blue eyes watch me as the back of my hand lightly moves down your cheek, and all the way down your torso to your pelvis._

_Blue eyes watch me as I coat my cock with lube, and then prod you open with my fingers to prepare you. Gentle rhythmic circles have you moaning softly, and wider ones make you breathe faster._

_Blue eyes watch me as I remove my fingers and position myself at your entrance. My cock pushes against the ring of muscle, and then inside you. We both sigh in unison, and I push in slowly... deeply..._

_Blue eyes watch me._

_"Tiger..." I murmur. "Tiger..."_

 

 

Every touch from you leaves a trail of fire on my body. It’s a good thing we paid a deposit - I think we’re at real risk of burning the place down.

You prepare me, methodically, carefully - you always do; you don’t want to damage your main source of pleasure - but you’re staring into my eyes and it’s all so charged...

And when you enter me it’s all I can do not to moan loudly. Instead I let out a quivering sigh, and realize you do the same.

You whisper my name, and that is not something that usually happens either, just saying it for its own sake, not preceding an order...

You enter, slowly, so slowly, such delicious torment...

And your black, dark, infinite eyes keep looking into mine...

“Jim...” I respond. It’s a delight just saying your name like this... while we are... making love? Is that what this is?

Maybe not quite go so far, Sebastian... but it’s the closest you’ve ever got with Jim Moriarty... and it’s sweet and soft and bitter and scary...

I moan as your cock inside me feels _so intense_...

And I hear the familiar mantra inside my head, so forbidden, but so close to the surface now, dangerously...

 _GodJimILoveYouILoveYouIFuckingLoveYou_...

 

 

_You seem overcome with sensation, thoughts, feelings, as I push into you._

_Fuck, we are *both* going to be in for it today._

_How do we go back - how do we -_

_How -_

_I slide all the way in, and -_

_we both *groan* as I meet the resistance of your body._

_*Fuck* -_

_It feels *shattering*..._

_we've been pulled from the real world, into some timeless place where all that exists is you, me, this eternal moment..._

_*Ohhh*..._

_*Tiger*..._

_I pull back so slowly..._

_My hands grip your shoulders and I push into you eternally..._

_*Oh god, this is so intense, don't look, don't look -*_

_Your eyes have their own gravitational field. I fall helplessly into their magnetic pull, and I find myself staring into your eyes._

_Fuck - do you always look at me like this?? Is this what I don't see when I look away?_

_There's heat rising as we stare at each other, and I start to feel genuinely concerned that my skin will scorch and then peel away._

_By the end there will be nothing left of me but ash..._

_Maybe I welcome burning away. I don't think I know how to go on after this..._

_I begin to slowly increase my pace, pulling back and pushing into you deeply - fanning the flames that will consume us both._

 

 

Your cock inside me - have I ever felt it before? _Really_ felt it? You've fucked me so often, from all possible angles, in all possible situations, but _this_ \- it seems like I can feel every vein, every ridge, and it's igniting me...

And your eyes are staring straight through me, burning away layer after layer, baring me, looking straight into my soul...

It's yours, Jim, just like everything else, just like the entire world belongs to you, and I'm the one who subdues it and lays it at your feet...

It's so hot... sex with you is always hot, but I feel the burning, it's like there's a fire all around us - it wasn't so hot in this room before, it must just be the effect you have on me.

You move inside me and I groan with the pleasure, writhe underneath you, feel drops of sweat trickle down from my brow as my hands move over your arse, the perfect curve of your back.

 

 

_There's a primal rhythm that we've reached, where it's no longer me doing anything to you - our bodies have taken over, and are moving as one. I'm pushing into you, you're thrusting your hips against me, driving me deeper._

_I also faintly hear...something like a drumbeat (heartbeat?). Almost like it's coming from deep within the earth under that blasted cave, reverberating deep within my core._

_I would be fucking disturbed by all this, except I've never felt pleasure and desire like this *in my life* and it's addictive as hell, driving me to claim more and more._

_We're kissing in a frenzy, devouring each other. My hand is pressing on your neck, and your teeth are sinking into mine. It feels deliciously, dangerously masculine - like it could spill over into violence any moment, but we're holding back *just enough*. I pull back to stare at you again, and *fuck*, the intensity I see there..._

_It's like a curtain has been pulled back and I - see - everything._

_Everything you've hidden, everything I've ignored..._

_How the FUCK do we go back to the way things were, Sebastian??_

 

 

What is going on, Jim?! It's - I've never had sex like this. Not with others, not even with you. My mind keeps being swept away by waves of darkness, and my body seems to be moved by a primal instinct, raw, feral, intoxicating - where usually I will have to control myself, making sure I don't overstep my bounds, don't miss any of your commands, some bestial urges seem to have taken me over and I taste your blood - _I_ am tasting _your_ blood and you're letting me - I'm frenetic, wild, frenzied, all that exists is your body and mine -

and I can see the fire reflected in your eyes ( _there is no fire - how can there be fire in your eyes?_ ) and through the fire I see you, your animal nature, your true self, before all the fucked-up bullshit civilization pressed upon you; you are the dark beast devouring your prey, the maniacal laughter in the forest; you are the essence of masculinity revelling in life and death equally - god - I'm consumed by you and consuming you, we are one, we are potent, strong, blood and fire raging through us as we are fucking in this cave - ( _What cave!?_ ).

I roar my lust, hunger, love into the night, hear it answered by the beasts of the wild...

 

 

_Now... along with the drumbeat-heartbeat..._

_there are sounds like a horn... chanting..._

_and as we rock against each other in our fuck frenzy, these sounds tell me..._

_I am all that is dark and of the earth_

_the black soil, the cold stone of the cave,_

_I am all that is male unleashed_

_I am the beast of the earth_

_I am the rutting stag slamming against the old stag, sending him to the afterlife_

_I am the bull in the field, pawing the earth, mighty and feared by *all*_

_And above all, I am the alpha wolf_

_whose growl ripples through the darkness and fills the night..._

_I am the alpha wolf who stalks his prey with glittering eyes_

_I am the alpha wolf who chooses his mate for life to rule the pack with him_

_And as the drumbeat-heartbeat spurs us on,_

_and the horn calls us forward_

_and the chanting grows louder and louder,_

_and the fire builds hotter and hotter_

_the pace increases harder and faster_

_harder and faster_

_Harder_

_Faster_

_until the ecstasy builds_

_and builds_

_and builds_

_mmm..._

_yes..._

_and spills over_

_into you_

_onto me_

_and there is a single shimmering moment of forever_

_where we shiver_

_and shake_

_and groan_

_in shuddering pleasure_

_shuddering ecstasy_

_shouting into the darkness,_

_the eternity of the cave,_

_crying out your name,_

_*Sebastian*..._

_*Sebastian*..._

_*SEBBIE*._

 

 

There is no more thought, nothing... no words to describe... My mind is blackness, all that exists is my body, which moves in perfect sync with yours, and you...

you are fire, you are dark, you are the soil, the wind, the rain; you are _everything_...

I gasp, have trouble breathing, not just because you have your hand on my neck, but because the air is scorching, I'm being consumed by fire, by your fire; you are growing larger than life, your eyes no longer human, singeing flames on black; and I _want_ to be consumed, I want to sacrifice myself to you, because you are _everything_ ; you are the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end; I was born for you and I will die for you...

My skin is being seared by the fire, our fucking has turned into a demoniac dance, there's roaring all around but I don't know if it's you or me or the fire or the beasts - and then -

we explode -

... and in the blackness of non-existence, in the dark of the pre-womb, in the primordial universe where I am floating, I hear ten syllables, each one of them pulling me a little closer to the world, to what used to be reality, to my body...

I open my eyes.

 _JIM_.

 

 

_Orgasm is moving through me like an earthquake, a volcano and a tornado, all rolled into one, dissolving my mind. The same appears to be happening to you. Our surroundings shift before my eyes - in a flash we're in the cave by a roaring fire, and in the distance is the echo of drumming, horns and chanting..._

_And then we're back in the bedroom, where I've collapsed on top of you. We're both sweaty, panting and wild-eyed._

_Even though this is the freakiest experience I've ever had (and that's saying a lot), I feel downright relieved that I have something else to focus on besides - what just happened between us. What we *did*._

_God, did I just call out your name?? I did, again and again!_

_I could crawl under the duvet and never come out, except for one thing - Jim Moriarty hides from nothing. The world adjusts itself for *me*, I remind myself. So there's really nothing to feel frightened or self-conscious about. We were obviously under the influence of - something. A nice, dark thrall of some kind. Normally I would say such things are sheer idiocy, but in this case - I welcome any and all poppycock._

_"Did you hear anything?" I demand. "Did you?"_

 

 

I stare at you -

_JIM_

You look like Jim, Jim who I live with, work for, am fucked by - but the Other is there as well. I can see him when I look to the wall to verify we are in a house, not a cave - your face changes just as my eye moves away - it shoots back and he's gone. My skin feels burnt - like I've been in the sun all day. My arse and cock are glowing. My mind is still reeling from - what on earth _was_ that!?

Did you slip me drugs or something?

If you did, that was one hell of a drug. And a massively quick comedown - everything looks normal now, except the fire in your eyes when I look away - just out of the corner of my eye -

Did I hear anything?

_animals - fire - roaring -_

"... You called my name."

 

 

_I blink at you in disbelief. No, not - *that*. Jesus..._

_"What about *the rest* of it, Sebastian?? The drumming? The chanting? Did you see - *the cave*??"_

_It occurs to me I'm trying to draw your attention away from the intimacy of what happened while still lying on top of you and still inside you. I pull out of you, wincing. And now I just feel like I *lost* something, like a gaping hole opened up in my chest._

_Jesus *Christ*... it's bad enough I let myself get carried away like that, but I *need* to get myself back on track, for fuck's sake..._

_The faeries or whatever have some serious fucking explaining to do..._

 

 

Did I? Did I hear - did I see...

Fuck it, Jim. Are we _both_ going mad? Did you give me drugs? Is this place fucking haunted?

"I... heard... thought I heard... roaring... there was fire..."

I touch my skin, it still feels hot and raw.

I look at you. You look back; confused, lost.

"Jim... what's _happening?_ "

 

 

_My eyes widen. “You think I know?? I don’t have the first fecking clue, darling... *Fucking*... fucking hell...” I glare out the window. “But it can’t be a coincidence that this is happening in *fucking* Ireland...” I sit up, fuming._

_Where is that cat? Can he fill me in, now that - I don’t *think* I’m going mad. Of course, that means there’s a talking cat who influenced me to come to the land of my nightmares, where freakish things started happening immediately..._

_I look at you cautiously. When will it be safe to tell you about the cat? And will it be safe for the cat??_

 

 

^-^

~I believe I was summoned?~

I leap onto the bed.

~That was interesting,~ I tease. ~Have a good time? Can I talk now?~

 

 

_I tense up. *Jesus*... I wasn’t going crazy, the kitty came as soon as I thought of him!_

_Did you hear that too, or it just me??_

_~Can Sebastian hear you too, kitty?~ I think, hopefully._

 

 

^-^

~Nope. Just you. You're the Champion, he's just the... Champion's Champion, or mate, or whatever. Sure was some impressive mating going on.~

 

 

_I look at Chairman Meow, taken aback._

_~Oh, thank you!! I’m sooo glad you approve. Only that’s NOT what we normally do and that’s definitely NOT what normally happens! Any insight into that, Chairman Meow??~_

 

 

^-^

~Well. I could explain, but it would _really_ be much easier if you came to see for yourself.~

 

 

_I sigh heavily, and then notice you looking at me very oddly. Of course, it’s not like a staring contest with the cat at this particular moment makes the tiniest bit of sense. “Fuck,” I breathe. “*Fuck*!!”_

 

 

^-^

~Tell your mate to get into the car and let's go to the Mound. Bring some drinks and food. It'll all be a lot clearer.~

 

 

Why are you suddenly so silent? You said it can't be coincidence it's happening in Ireland, then just sat there, staring. The cat's joined us and is staring back at you. I give you some time to think - it'd be _really_ good if you could work out what's happening, because I certainly can't.

Suddenly you swear, and I look at you. "What is it? What's going on?"

 

 

_~Ohhh yes, it'll be crystal clear, I just have to tell my mate - fuck! - my BODYGUARD that the cat spoke to me and said we have to go out to the middle of nowhere right now. With drinks and food, like a fecking road trip - FUCK.~_

_The cat is looking at me calmly with a swishing tail, when Seb demands to know what's going on._

_I sigh heavily and cover my face with my hands. I curse and jerk my hands away when the sudden pain reminds me of the scrapes on my palms._

_I can't - I give up -_

_"Sebastian... I haven't told you this because I knew you'd think I'd completely cracked. But I can hear the cat talking to me. He's been talking to me since we got to Ireland. Since I let him out in that field. *I* thought I was going mad, but after my dream in the cave, and now this... no, I can't explain it and it's completely mental and I'm *not fucking happy* about it, darling. But there it is... are you going to insist I go to a nice hospital now?" I look at you accusingly, but my heart is in my throat._

 

 

My eyes grow larger as I'm hearing you speak...

OK this is fucking _nuts_...

What is happening Jim!?

No, calm down, soldier, keep it together - right.

Now - apparently, if you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth. I read that somewhere once.

 _However_ , the improbable is so fucking nuts... You going to Ireland, devising some weird scheme to make me think we're haunted, involving hallucinogenic drugs that start and stop their effect just at the right time, as well as some crazy trick with stones...

If _anyone_ could do this, you could, granted. But why?! Why would you go to _Ireland_ , which you hate, just to pull a stupid prank on me?

So... if we eliminate the unthinkable...

"The... cat is talking to you." I look at Chairman Meow, who's looking back at me with a look that almost seems amused.

Oh come _on_...

"I don't know Jim... I don't know what's real any more..."

Real stuff I can deal with. I can shoot it if it's annoying. How do I shoot voices in your head?!

 

 

_I regard you, thinking. You're trying, bless you. You didn't call the men in white coats right away, at least._

_"Chairman Meow. If you could *please* do something so Sebastian sees that we're communicating, and I'm not just having a psychotic break... *then* we'll consider going where you tell us. Please jump off the bed and onto the table, there's a good kitty."_

 

 

^-^

~Now where would be the fun in _that_?~ I tease, but you look at me daggers, and OK, OK, if we go to the Mound if I act like a fucking obedient dog, I'll oblige you...

With the most disdainful look I can muster I jump off the bed and onto the table, turn around, look at your mate.

~Tell him to close his mouth, he'll catch flies.~

 

 

_I grin, despite myself._

_"Now if you would be so kind - back on the bed, just for confirmation that it was not a fluke? Dear, sweet kitty...?"_

 

 

The cat...

The cat is following your requests like a fucking trained poodle.

This - I _know_ I'm not under the influence of any drugs. My mind is clear; everything looks normal...

And there's a fucking cat following your every command. Request.

It's sitting on the bed, looking at me with the smuggest face I've ever seen on a cat.

"You... talk."

 

 

^-^

~Tell him yes, and I understand him as well, but I can't talk to him, because he's deaf.~

 

 

_I roll my eyes. "He says, yes and he understands you. But you can't hear him because you're 'deaf'. For *his* purposes."_

_I run my hand through my hair. "Anything else or are you conceding that this may be possible even though it's complete madness? I could ask him to do more, but... you know how cats seem to have attitude? Sebbie, it is not in our heads. They have *fucking attitude*..."_

_I glance at Chairman Meow. "That's not an insult, by the by. Cats are the only beings on the planet whose attitude I enjoy. And who don't get killed for it." I glance back at you. "And Tigers," I concede. "So far..."_

_I give Sebastian a sly smile._

 

 

^-^

~Don't kill your mate; I doubt anyone else would put up with you. Now. Shall we go?~

I hop off the bed, walk to the door.

You two are still sitting there like two sacks of salt.

~Hello! Get up, clean yourselves, eat something meaty, share with the cat, get some cakes and wine, and let’s go!~

 

 

_"Just -" I pull at my hair in frustration, "give us a fecking moment to collect our thoughts, Chairman Meow!"_

_I turn back to you. "So... from what I can piece together, the cat has been somehow influencing me, including through dreams. All so I can go to some mound that he's supposed to take me to. The *only* good thing about this is that I'm not any more fucking insane than usual. Unless it's a collective madness that has been induced in us. I'm not putting anything past Ireland, but - it does seem unlikely. Although talking cats and getting cut in my dream, *and* what we just experienced - bilocation during sex into some otherworldly realm? - is really not all that likely either! It's *problematic* to assume it's true. And yet... the evidence is quickly piling at our feet. So... thoughts, Tiger?" I look at you, expectantly._

_It feels safer to call you Tiger after calling out your name like some character in an epic romantic drama... but at least I can blame the entire sexual experience on all this fecking weirdness we're going through. I sigh with relief at the thought._

 

 

^-^

Sigh. Humans. Always want to overthink everything.

I sit down, sigh, look at you both. At your leisure... but be quick about it, please.

~And it's fucking Keith.~

 

 

"Ehm. Thoughts.

Yeah, this is fucking crazy. And not possible. And it still appears to be happening."

I rub my face. I can't think straight. I keep trying to find logical explanations for it, and there just isn't one. But accepting that the fucking cat talks, that we have to follow it on some fucking magical quest to rescue a princess from a dragon or something...

"Does the cat say _why_ you need to go to this mound?" As your bodyguard, how am I supposed to prepare for you going to a mound on the advice of an Irish cat?

 

 

_“Well, darling - as long as you’re under my roof or pushing us along on this completely mental journey, you’re Chairman Meow to me!”_

_I look sidelong at you. “He prefers Keith, apparently.” I shake my head at the utter ridiculousness of this situation._

_“Anyway! Why don’t you fill us in, dear kitty? Why exactly are we supposed to go to this mound? I’m dying to know.” I give the kitty a bright smile._

 

 

^-^

I roll my eyes. ~What, I have to give a written explanation to a guy who can't even be arsed to call me by my name?

I _tried_ to give you the full spiel when I came to collect you. You wouldn't listen.

Anyway, the Boss wants you. You're his new Champion. It's best not to keep him waiting. So can we go now?~

 

 

_I blink at the cat, and look at you in a daze. "Kitty dearest says..." I shake my head again. "Wait, what?? *Boss*? Oh no, darling... I don't answer to *anyone*. Just *tell* me what this is about, or we're not going anywhere."_

 

 

It’s so surreal watching you have a fucking _argument_ with a _cat_. I mean, my Nan had arguments with her cats all the time, but she didn’t look like she was actually getting _replies_. This is too weird. Is it too early to start drinking?

 

 

^-^

~Oh for...

You’re really hard work, you know that? You should be fucking honoured that you are chosen by a talking cat, who, I might add, is excessively cute. Loads of people would love it.

Right. It’s really a lot easier if you just come and see. You won’t have to answer to any person.~

You are not budging.

~Right. Ever heard of the Lord Amadan Dubh?~

 

 

_“Who??”_

_I listen as the cat impatiently repeats the odd name._

_“The Lord Amadan Dubh?” I repeat slowly. “So there’s some Lord hanging out by a mound... waiting to meet me... and he’s who wanted you to bring me here?” I look at Chairman Meow in disbelief. “Oh, come *on*...”_

 

 

^-^

~Oh you'll believe talking cats and hanging in caves in dreams, but you won't believe there's someone called Amadan Dubh?~ I ask exasperatedly.

~Look. Do you - have you... do you ever play pranks? Like playing games? Maybe even dangerous ones? Have people ever told you you're crazy?~

 

 

_“*Yes*, I enjoy pranks and dangerous games; yes, of course people think I’m crazy! What does this have to do with anything?? Who is *Amadan Dubh*??” I demand._

 

 

^-^

~He is the Dark Fool... he who haunts the dreams you are afraid to remember... the laughter in the shadows... the manic music you perceive just beyond earshot. He is the madness that shines in the eyes of your lover as he stabs you, the frenzy of the wild dance in the night at the edge of the abyss.~

I step closer, gaze deeply into your eyes - I can _see_ the recognition, the glimmer - you know what I'm talking about. Of course you do.

~You've felt the glee when you danced on the knife's edge... when you reeled and saw the bodies fall around you... That's _him_.

And you _very_. _much_. want to meet him.~

 

 

_I stare hard at the cat. When I go full out Moriarty, anyone who looks into these eyes of mine - these bottomless pools of black, corrosive ink - never fails to react with fear. Even if they manage to hide it, I know every tell. Because I've seen them all..._

_Sebastian is the closest to not feeling fear, but even he knows danger when he sees my pupils dilate, when my eyes go black and a gleam rises from the depths, like a flash of scales from a sea monster._

_The cat only looks smug. I blink at his non-reaction. Well, that's a fucking first... Does it not work on animals? But aren't kitties supposed to be sensitive to dark energy?_

_"So, Sebastian - Amadan Dubh is some sort of... dark faerie, or dark being from the faerie realm. And a Lord at that! He has some kind of connection to madness and violence; and apparently, I should be dying to meet him. And he's expecting me. Shall we accept his invitation to go rushing out into the middle of nowhere in total darkness and see what his Lordship wants with little me?" The mad laughter that follows probably only proves the cat's point, but it does seem perfectly appropriate under the circumstances..._

 

 

That's it. I'm going to start drinking.

You're sitting there having a chat with a cat. I'm not unused to being ignored in your company in favour of a phone or a laptop - but a cat is a first.

Hearing half the conversation with a cat is much more disconcerting than hearing half the conversation on a phone.

Then, finally, you enlighten me, and I get to hear what this is about.

Oh great.

Not only are we following a magic cat into a faerie tale, but we're going to meet a lord of madness and violence. Despite him sounding right up your street, I have heard enough faerie tales that I know that meetings with even perfectly normal faeries don't usually go well for the humans, let alone meeting a dark mad violent one.

On the other hand - if _anyone_ is smart enough to get out of this smelling of roses it's you - and after the things that have been happening already, I don't really want to find out what this guy will do if we don't do as his herald cat says.

 _Fuck_ this.

I get up, stomp to the other bedroom, come back with the whisky, take a swig from the bottle, offer it to you.

"This is too insane to even contemplate, Jim. But then - I'm used to that with you, aren't I?" I light a fag, breathe in the smoke, but it does nothing to ease my tension.

"I don't think we have much of a choice. This guy obviously has the means to influence what happens to you - look at your bloody hands. If we don't go, fuck knows what he'll think up next. I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, but let's follow the talking cat to the faerie mound to meet the Lord of madness.

Famous last words..."

Another swig. I need it.

 

 

_I look at you in shock. You're just - going along with this?_

_My heart begins to beat faster. This isn't just some mad idea in my head, is it... You would go along with me on a crazy impulse, as you did when you accompanied me to Ireland. But you wouldn't - engage in a conversation about it as if it were something *real*. You would try to make me see reason. If you're not trying to make me see reason... and you're talking about it as if it's real... then..._

_it's fucking real??_

_I look at you, swigging from your whisky bottle and looking stressed out of your mind - but in a different way than before. Not 'Jim's going fucking mental and I have to keep him safe'. More like 'We have no choice but to meet with the dark faerie who's been pulling Jim's strings, and how the hell am I going to keep him safe?'_

_*Jaisus*..._

_I grab the bottle from you. You've barely finished swallowing; it makes a loud popping sound as I pull it from your mouth. I find myself laughing madly again for a moment before shoving the bottle into my own mouth and pouring your whisky down my throat._

_"Seriously, Sebastian?" I sputter in a hoarse voice. "I thought you were the voice of reason! *You* think we should just play along and dance to somebody else's tune? What other options are there? Think!"_

 

 

“What, _I’m_ the genius now!? _You_ think!

I’m a soldier - I know when it makes sense to fight and when it’s best to go along with what the enemy wants for now and reconsider your options later.

It _might_ be that we can get away and he’ll not hurt you for it - but what do you think the chances are, if he’s already torn your hands open in a dream just for... fun, or whatever?

We don’t know who he is, we don’t know what he can do, and we’re discussing plans with his lackey sitting right here, possibly reporting back to him every word we say.”

 

 

_I blink at you. Right, you're a *soldier*. So shouldn't you be suggesting we fight, stage an offensive, or I don't know... blow up the mound or something? Strong resistance and fear rears up in me - even I know that's a terrible, *terrible* idea, and it shouldn't even be *voiced*. And it's partly because I grew up here, and I know the sense of foreboding people feel about going near faerie spots in nature, let alone being *destructive* to them... but there's also a sinking feeling in my stomach that you're right, Keith is right, and there's nothing I can do except go along with Amadan Dubh's wishes._

_But there's still the little fact of being Jim Moriarty... which means no one pulls my strings or tells me what to do. And if they find themselves in a position of power over me, I may go along with their plans temporarily. Until I come out on top again, and then the real fun begins..._

_Yes, maybe I *do* want to meet with this Amadan... I'm not sure that the faerie realm is something I can actually fight, but... maybe there's something I can get out of this that would be valuable to *me*. Now that sounds *interesting*..._

_I hop up and head to the door, swigging whisky. "Best get a move on, you two. Don't want to keep a dark faerie lord waiting, do we..."_

_I head to the other bedroom and start pawing through my clothes. What does one wear for a summons with a dark faerie lord? Good thing I didn't listen to you, and over-packed as always. I settle on a fine leather coat, dark trousers and a long-sleeved black top - along with the hiking boots you insisted I bring. I don't know how cold this mound will be, or where we'll end up from there - I throw on a scarf to be a safe and saunter over to the mirror to assess my ensemble._

 

 

^-^

~You want to think a bit less out loud, Champ,~ I say amusedly.

You're going to be _fun_. The Boss will _love_ you.

~And don't worry, the Boss is nice to people he likes. Often. Sometimes.~

Oh you need to put your coat on, don't you... Sigh. Humans. So vulnerable... how did you ever become the dominant species...

~All black. Good choice,~ I nod approvingly.

 

 

I get dressed quickly and without thinking, because if I stop to think about what we're about to do, I'll scream. Why did I ever get involved with the intriguing crime boss with the deep dark eyes? I knew he was trouble, which was why I was intrigued, of _course_ , you fucking adrenaline junkie, Moran; and here you are following said crime boss into a fucking kid's book written by a demented lunatic.

_Don't think about it..._

I walk into the hallway, weapons everywhere - I have no idea if they'll be any use, but at least they give me _some_ peace of mind. Emotional support guns.

You look stunning, dark and mysterious, as ever. How could I ever do anything but follow you anywhere...

I sigh, take another swig of whisky.

 

 

_I look at you as you appear, armed to the teeth and drinking whisky. Jesus, Moran... now is not the time to turn my head. If only we had time to - no, let's get this done. *God*, you're hot. I grab the bottle from you, pour some more down my throat and have a coughing fit._

_"Chairman Meow!" I choke out. "If you would be so kind as to lead the way to our appointment... We'd be *ever* so grateful..."_

_I swagger down the stairs with the bottle in my hand. I should be keeping a clear head, but that whisky is really helping keep my anxiety in check... I glance back at you and the cat, watching me from the hallway. "You changed your minds, did you? Decided to stay in and play cards? Pick up the pace, and let's get this done," I say sharply, and slip out the front door._

 

 

^-^

What the... are you two _ever_ not on heat?! Good grief...

Fortunately you decide that now is a good time to go see the Boss and I don't have to interfere with claws and teeth. I pad to the car behind you, followed by Pretty Boy.

The latter gets into the driver's seat, you sit beside him, I'm on your lap. I don't need to look out of the window to know where we are going. I nod to the northeast - ~That way, Pretty Boy.~

 

 

_I laugh to myself, and you glance at me as you drive._

_"Nothing..." I say, then laugh louder. You stare at me, annoyed._

_"Sorry," I snicker. "He called you Pretty Boy. He really is, isn't he, kitty?"_

_The kitty looks appreciatively at you, and I pet his head._

_I grin at you, and you roll your eyes. "Oh, come on... You *are*. Own it, Moran."_

_I find my hand squeezing your thigh. Jesus. I'm really going to have to stop blurring the goddamn lines in our relationship. What we have is strictly professional... with benefits. Yes, things get blurred when you comfort me after a nightmare or put me back together after a meltdown, but - well, that's just you being the best bodyguard you can be, isn't it. Of course it is..._

_I drum my hand on the seat next to my thigh._

_"How long will it take us to get there, Kitty?" I ask. Suddenly, a forced meeting with a dark faerie Lord sounds like the perfect way to distract myself from very dangerous thoughts running through my mind. "How long?" I demand._

 

 

^-^

~As long as it took you to get here from where I was shouting at you to get off the road,~ I reply, distracted.

Now we have a telepathic link, I’m getting quite a few of your thoughts, because you’re not used to keeping them to yourself. And you confuse me - not surprising, really; after all, we’re all mad here, to quote a famous colleague - but I’m puzzled as to why you fret so about your mate. Your mind starts out feeling affection, and then seems to hit some sort of alarm point, scramble, and panic; and you throw a kind of smokescreen over your feelings and retreat in rationality, absolutely _refusing_ to acknowledge that any affection actually was present. Why on Earth do you do that? You obviously love him, but - what - you don’t want to think about it? Why?

You’re weird. What a surprise.

 

 

“Where am I going, Jim? I can’t actually talk to him, so you’ll have to give me instructions...”

I can’t help smiling at you and the cat agreeing I’m a pretty boy, though I’m not quite sure how much any such accolades count coming from a different species.

 

 

_"Right, you can't hear the cat talking in my head. I'll do my best to remember that... Northeast, Tiger. The road we took yesterday."_

_The cat is looking up at me assessingly... as if trying to suss me out. Oh no... there's no making sense of this mind, darling. Stop trying - you'll hurt your kitten brain..._

_Suddenly, I feel exhausted and the sensation of riding in a car is so soothing… I'd love to curl up in the back seat and take a nap, but then you wouldn't have me as a translator. I sigh and feel my eyelids fluttering and then close._

 

 

Alright - back to whence we came, I can do that. Within minutes, you're nodding off - well, I assume the cat will start jumping up and down when he wants me to stop.

I'm _not_ taking stock. I'm not thinking that here I am, in a rental car driving through Ireland with a criminal and a cat, about to meet a faerie lord. Because if I did that, I'd bang my head on the steering wheel screaming and that might be frowned upon.

Just keep driving, soldier - you're going into completely unknown, potentially hostile territory, and your mission is to keep your Boss safe and sound. That's all you need to think about. You can have breakdowns afterwards if you want. Now, look after Jim. He needs you.

 

 

_I’m lying in bed, feeling someone’s warmth. I feel an arm around me and I smile. There’s someone nuzzling my neck, smelling my hair..._

_“Find something you like?” I whisper._

_“Always,” I hear you say._

_I nestle against you. “You woke me up with your predatory sniffing... again,” I grumble affectionately._

_I hear a laugh low in your throat and my heart beats faster._

_“Well, stop being such delicious prey, and I’ll stop sniffing you...” You kiss my neck and I shiver._

_“Impossible...” I yawn. “And I don’t want you to *stop*. That’s the game, silly Tigger...”_

_“Oh, it’s a *game*... well, then. Let’s play...” You pounce on me, so I’m on my back with you on top of me and your hands pressing down on my wrists._

_I grin up at you. “Merry Christmas, Sebbie...”_

_“Mmm... merry Christmas, baby. I found something exciting to unwrap. I must have been a good boy...”_

_“Oh, very good... and,” I lower my voice, “so *very bad*...”_

_A sly smile spreads across your face, then your expression shifts to one of longing. “I can’t believe it’s been almost eight months...” you say softly. “I thank my lucky stars every day...”_

_“The stars had nothing to do with it...” I whisper, gazing up at you._

_“Oh you believe in faeries, but not stars aligning?” you tease. “However it happened, you’re all I’ve ever wanted in my entire life. I love you, Jim...”_

_You lean down and kiss me and -_

_I jerk awake as the car goes over a bump. I look wildly from the road to you, and then stare at the cat accusingly._

_“Did you do that?!” I snap at Chairman Meow._

 

 

^-^

~Don't you blame _me_ for your subconscious, Champ,~ I grin. ~That was _awfully_ cute though...~

 

 

"What? What did he do?" I startle. What's going on _now!?_

 

 

_“Please! My subconscious mind does not harbour such sentimental... ridiculous... *domestic* -“ I trail off as I become aware of you staring at me. “Is the plan to send us crashing through a hedgerow, because if not... keep your eyes on the bloody road, Sebastian!” I quickly cover my flustered feelings with irritation, and glare at the very smug-looking cat. “Well, clearly you *did* have something to do with it, or you wouldn’t be looking so pleased with yourself! *Tiger*! Eyes front!!”_

 

 

“Well what are you two _on_ about then?! I’m driving through fucking pre-dawn Ireland following the directions of a cat that you are having an argument with! What’s he doing?! Was all this a prank? Why am I thinking that a talking cat is pulling pranks?! I don’t know! But just tell me what’s going on because I’m _this_ close to losing it!”

... yeah. Well done for keeping it cool Seb.

 

 

_“See what you’re doing, kitty? You’re making Sebastian upset while he’s driving! Now if you could just confess to your crime!! for fuck’s *sake*, Sebastian... stop staring at me! It’s *nothing*, Chairman Meow just sent a funny little dream to mess with my head. Or was it your boss, darling? I promise I won’t be angry, if you *just*... ADMIT IT... everything will be fine, sweetheart!” I pet the kitty with agitation._

 

 

^-^

~Sorry Champ, nothing to do with me. It's all you.

Look - you're obviously mad. Don't worry about it. Keep your mate close, he's got your back. Keep me close, I can explain some of what's going on. Just have a laugh and roll with it - you're not going to enjoy it if you are so uptight.~

 

 

_My mouth tightens. All me?? *Pah*... Well, maybe the kitty didn't do it, but it's certainly within the capabilities of his damn boss. Suddenly I'm *very* eager to meet this Lord, and have a conversation with him._

_And what's important is that I didn't dream it. I can feel tension draining out of me, and I sigh with relief._

_"Have a laugh? Stellar advice. Sebastian, apparently we'll have a much better time if we just 'roll with it' and stop being so uptight. Makes sense doesn't it? In an ipso facto kind of way, of course... All right, let's do it your way, Chairman Meow. Sebastian, are you feeling less stressed out yet?"_

 

 

"Tremendously," I growl as I turn into the road that leads east. I am probably asleep, in London, and dreaming all this nonsense. All I need to do is just hang on until I wake up. We'll have a laugh about it - though maybe I shouldn't bring it up, in case you want a cat again...

We drive a minute or ten, when the cat moves in your lap, and you tell me to turn right when I can. I drive into a narrow road, which loops around at the end - you tell me to stop the car and get out.

 

 

^-^

~You'll need to take off your boots and jacket, leave your mobile phone. Your Tiger will need to get rid of his weapons, phone, watch, boots, jacket, and eh, trousers.~

 

 

_I stare in shock and indignation at the kitty. "And why the bloody hell would we have to take off our boots and jackets? And our phones, unless we were to become... prisoners??"_

_Wheels start turning in my head. I've been so out of sorts with everything that's been happening, I haven't been thinking clearly. What could this faerie lord want with a criminal psychopath? Would he abduct us and hold us for ransom? Or some other nefarious plot cooked up by a faerie?_

_"Well??"_

 

 

^-^

~Who's he going to ask the ransom _from_ , you dope? You said you didn't have a boss. Also, he has all the gold he likes. Hardly needs more.

It's iron - you can't enter the realm with iron. Or timekeeping devices. So - leave them in the car. You can't take the car keys either, so hide them somewhere clever. We are going to come back, don't worry.~

 

 

_I cover my face with my hand. “Sebastian...”_

_So at this point in the programme, I get to inform you that you’ll be leaving your weapons, and oh yes, your trousers behind. I laugh helplessly. Oh god, this is not going to go well..._

_“Sebastian. Do you recollect anything about faeries being repelled by iron? Well, anything with iron has to stay in the car, apparently. That means weapons, watches and phones. Jackets and boots. And your trousers... apparently.”_

_I turn to the cat so as to avoid seeing your reaction. “You know, Chairman Meow... You *might* have told us all of this *before* we dressed! I could have worn other shoes, and not have had to traipse in like some bohemian madman with a trouserless bodyguard!!”_

 

 

^-^

~Ah, but you have to admit, this is more _fun_ , Daniel...~ I purr.

 

 

_What!?_

Yes, I do recall hearing something about faeries being repelled by iron - but I thought that was a, well, faerie tale...

Oh you're _kidding_ me...

"I'm not going into some fucking mound without my weapons. And neither is Jim. Tell your lord that he can come outside."

 

 

_I grin at your response. Even better._

_"You heard the man. We meet him outside. Who the hell is Daniel?"_

 

 

^-^

~If you can't be arsed to say my name, I can't be arsed to say yours, Bluesman Bob.

And he's not coming outside. Don't be silly. You have to go in. He's kind of a big deal, you know. Like a god. You really don't want to piss him off.~

 

 

_I sag against the car heaving a loud, melodramatic sigh. "Nix, Sebastian. Apparently he's like a *god* and we shouldn't piss him off. All right *Keith*, you've made your fecking point. What happened to the dear, sweet kitty I opened my home to, hmmm?"_

 

 

^-^

~Not my fault you're easily fooled by a pretty boy, Jim. Did you think your Tiger was a girl at first, too?

Look, I'm trying to help you. Not my fault that you don't find it convenient.~

 

 

No.

No fucking way am I going into unknown territory without weapons. Without shoes, trousers, jacket, phone - I can live with that. But my fucking _weapons_ -

I do a mental inventory - yes of _course_ they're all iron or steel. Who carries around fucking copper cutlasses?

I groan. Do we have a choice? Not really, do we.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck_. Should have thrown the bloody cat out the moment I saw him.

I scowl at the creature, who's looking back at me smugly. Honestly...

"You're not joking." I say, flatly.

 

 

_I'm watching your face as you lean against the car. Your hands are tightening on the bonnet, and you look like you're about to explode. Shit... that's hot. And could come in handy since you won't have any bloody weapons on you. Why did we not think to bring any plastic explosives?? Mental note: always bring plastic explosives, just in case faeries demand you enter into their realm._

_"Yes, you're being very helpful, thank you..." I say in a lazy voice. "I'll be thinking of that when I'm walking in bare feet on the *ground* like a religious zealot. Or some hapless hippie looking for his lost guitar. If you really want to help, it would be *ever* so nice to know a little bit more about what we can expect... could you do that for me, darling Keith?"_

 

 

^-^

~I could. But I doubt you'd understand or appreciate it. Look, we're nearly there - just get into the mound and you'll see. It's hard to explain the ways of the Fae to humans; you're too far removed from who you were. Cats understand, usually.

You can walk to the mound in your shoes and jackets - it's unlikely they'll be stolen, humans avoid the place subconsciously. Just leave them outside the entrance - you won't need them inside, it's warm.

Can you tell the Tiger that it'll all be safe, no one will attack you? Besides, he's going to be the biggest guy there by _far_ , and no one else will have guns. You'll be safe as houses.~

 

 

_"Just get into the mound, he says," I mutter. "You'll be safe as houses, he says..."_

_Wide-eyed, I run my hands through my hair. I must look a *fright*._

_I take a deep breath and paste a reassuring smile on my face. "So, Sebastian... The dear kitty assures us no one will attack us, and we don't need weapons. We can leave our clothes and things outside the mound, and inside will be lovely and toasty warm. And unfortunately as mere humans it's just too difficult for us to understand the ways of the Fae.." I make a sad, pouty face._

_"So there's no point in even trying to explain! Isn't that right, darling? Well, if that's all, I guess we'd better be off to the mound! Shall we?"_

_I slam the car door harder than it needs to be slammed, and make a sarcastically grandiose 'after you' gesture to the cat._

 


	5. The Mound

Do I leave my weapons in the car or do I take them? I go for leaving most in the car, taking one gun and a knife in case of… I don’t know, an ambush or something. I drop our phones in there as well. Fuck this with a ten-foot pole...

I hide the car keys under a tree root, and join you to walk behind that bloody cat.

I don't get paid enough for this.

 

 

_I follow the cat in silence for a bit, feeling your seething frustration behind me. Right there with you, Tiger... only... I don't feel as *angry* as I'd expect, given the outlandish circumstances. I should be ranting, railing, threatening, cursing, destroying things... so why aren't I behaving as one would expect?_

_..._

_Because..._

_I know that cave..._

_somehow I *know* it..._

_from... a dream?_

_A dream from a long, long time ago?_

_Was there a conversation with..._

_someone?_

_I hear the haunting sound of a fiddle and a child's laughter._

_the tinkle of bells..._

_I've heard these sounds before... I had assumed it was a hazy recollection from some film or play about faeries I had seen as a small child. What if it were something... Other?_

_I pick up my pace behind the cat._

_I've been full of questions about this Amadan Dubh, the mysterious figure pulling all the strings..._

_Could this excursion answer questions about... *me*?_

 

 

^-^

~Right. Take off anything that contains iron or steel, or you won't be able to enter. You can leave it under that bush. It won't be stolen.~

 

 

_"Yeah, kitty - no iron. We got it the first time..." I mutter._

_I remove my jacket, carefully fold it, and start poking around under a bush for a spot that's... clean? (It's fecking *dirt*, Jimmy...)_

_I glance at you. You seem far less curious than me and more... at the end of your last nerve? A wave of anxiety moves through me - what? Our imminent entrance into a faerie mound isn't bringing up any fear in me, but the thought of how you're handling it is making me feel... nervous?_

_Why?? You follow me wherever I go, whatever I do, without question. Sometimes, you give me a hard time about my decisions, but I know that's about my safety and wellbeing... this feels more like questioning why you're working for someone who's not only mad but receives summons from faerie lords. Is that what you're thinking, Sebastian??_

_I stare at you in horror. "Do you not want to go in with me??" I demand, my jacket falling on the ground at my feet._

 

 

You start stripping, so I guess I should too. I take off my jacket, my shirt, which has rivets, my fucking _dog tags_ , boots, combat trousers with the gun and knife in the side pockets. I stand in my T-shirt, socks, and shorts, _extremely_ unhappy. I guess I'll leave my socks too - I look ridiculous enough as it is.

I look up at the sound of your voice - Jim? Are you - _scared!?_

You drop your jacket, and I bend down to retrieve it, put it on top of my pile of clothes.

"I'm not too keen on going in, but I will not let you go in alone. I mean - this is all insane, and if I stop to think about it I'll start screaming, but... if you're going into that cave, so am I. And I'm going first."

I nod to Chairman Meow. "Lead the way, cat."

 

 

_Fuck... my heart is in my goddamn throat. But it doesn't seem to be a question that you're going in - not only with me, but ahead of me._

_You still seem frustrated but - intensely determined in a different way than I'm used to. Your eyes glint dangerously, and you seem to be all *edge*. *God*, Sebastian... if we make it back here alive and sane, then..._

_*what*, Jimmy?_

_I don't know! Fuck off! Besides, there's no time to think about it, the cat's disappearing into an opening in the ground - *Christ*, that's low. We're going to have to crawl._

_I'm glad you're going in first..._

_You're on your hands and knees, which would be a delightful sight, if not for the fact that you'll be disappearing into the *earth* in a moment._

_How did I think this wasn't scary??_

_"Tiger..." I say urgently, and you look back._

_"I don't do well in closed spaces. Don't - go too far ahead of me. Please..."_

_You have an inscrutable expression on your face. "I won't, Jim..."_

_"*Tiger*..." I say, panicking. You look at me questioningly, and I helplessly shrug._

_"Nothing... I -" I breathe in deeply and exhale. "Nothing. Be careful."_

_You look at me for a long moment, and then turn and crawl into the earth._

 

 

I’m on all fours, about to follow a fucking cat butt into a hole in the earth in my underwear.

I've had a lot of weird days with you, Jim. But I think you'll be able to agree that this one takes the biscuit.

You call me, I look back -

You confess you're afraid in closed spaces.

_You!?_

Admitting to _fear!?_

Fuck. You _never_ \- you'd _die_ before showing weakness, even to me.

You seem uncomfortable. Yeah, you and me both, Jim...

But - you seem genuinely scared, and that's not something I've ever seen, and definitely not something I'm happy to witness...

I steel myself, and follow the cat into the narrow space. I immediately lose sight of him - following a black cat into a dark tunnel at night is not an easy feat - but there don't appear to be side tunnels, so I just crawl forward. After a while, I think I see dim light up ahead, and I recognize the outline of the cat's ears in front of me. A bit further, and he rounds a bend. I can hear sounds - a murmuring - the light seems to be moving. I round the corner, and -

_Fuck. Me._

A cave spreads out before me, lit by torches, which appear to be upside down for some reason. The fire flickers downwards. It's impossible to gauge how big it is - trying to measure it makes my eyes water. There is light, colours, movement _everywhere_. On the ceiling appear to be people, but they're too far away - the back of the cave appears to be nearer than they are - my eyes have trouble focussing. They seem naked, or wearing diaphanous clothes. Animals walk between them, butterflies flitter below them. A stream runs along the side of the cave, with coloured fish in it. An opalescent multicoloured bird comes flying up at me, screeching - I startle and pull back into the tunnel.

 

 

_I'm advancing, and suddenly I have Tiger arse shoving into my face. In ordinary circumstances, something I would enjoy, but - what the hell, Moran?_

_(Oh god... *what the hell, Moran*??)_

_"Tiger - " I whisper furiously. "What's going on??"_

_"Ahhh... I think - you have to see this for yourself..." you whisper back._

_You move forward and around the corner again. You're waiting off to the side for me when I appear._

_My mouth drops open, and I freeze._

_Well... it's upside-down..._

_People, animals, insects... all *upside-down*..._

_I *know* this place..._

_A woman, closer than the rest, sweeps by, smiling at me. She smiles like a sphinx... ancient and full of crumbling secrets. But there's something in her eyes - recognition. *Delight*. There's a haunting song trailing after her like a lullaby. I start to follow her in a daze, but suddenly the cat is leaping in front of me, looking smug as ever._

_I blink at him._

_"What... are we *doing* here, Keith??" I whisper, bewildered._

 

 

^-^

~Welcome to the Court. Don't ask me _whose_ court - that changes between one of the Earth's heartbeats and the next. The Boss is around here somewhere, but he doesn't want me to bring you to him - he says he'll come round when he feels like it. He says you should just enjoy the festivities - oh, it's Bealtaine Eve coming up tonight, and the Fae enjoy nothing more than a good long celebration, so everyone is already revelling. I think you'll enjoy it.~

 

 

_I look at the cat in disbelief. "After all this, your Boss isn't ready to see us. *Seriously*..."_

_Suddenly I realize this is something I would certainly do if I wanted to ensure people felt insignificant - make them wait. Make them feel unsure. Make them feel *small*._

_Well, we're not quite so easy to manipulate as *that*, my dear Amadan._

_I smile. "How de*light*ful... why don't you show us around, and then we'll enjoy the festivities as you suggest. Sebastian, the Lord is busy with something or other and the Fae are gearing up for a big to-do for Bealtaine - it's the original form of May Day, you know with the maypole? So deliciously phallic! Will there be dancing around a huge phallus, kitty?"_

 

 

May Day? Oh yes that's the day after tomorrow - or tomorrow now, I guess. I'm still staring at the surroundings. There's a girl riding a frog. There's a pile of people on the... wall? - who seem to be writhing around each other naked. One of the butterflies has just changed into a flower, but is still flying.

"Jim. Is this real? Have you slipped me some drugs? Am I in bed, hallucinating? You can tell me - I won't be upset. I will be very relieved, in fact..."

 

 

_I raise an eyebrow. "For my own sick amusement, you mean? Sebastian, I'm wounded that you think so little of - " I roll my eyes. "All right, yes, that's something I would do. But sadly, *no* - you are not in bed, tripping your balls off. Would that you were, because then *I'd* be nearby laughing my arse off. I assure you, I'm not."_

_I look around and shake my head. "Enjoy the festivities, you say, kitty? All without eating or drinking, and no dancing either, is that right? Don't forget I grew up immersed in the cultural superstitions. Anything else we need to be aware of, darling? Oh, I remember one - Sebastian, if you feel you've got lost at any point, turn your shirt inside out - and backwards too, I think? Couldn't hurt, I suppose..." I look at you seriously. "But just to be safe... *let's not separate*. "_

_We watch as a woman in a white transparent gown floats by looking at us flirtatiously. She beckons us, and as she floats by, I see that she's... hollow. A front side only. She looks back and winks._

_A chill moves through me. I grab your hand and grip it hard. "No matter what," I say darkly._

 

 

^-^

I laugh at that. ~No worries, Champ, you can eat and drink and dance and fuck - and do with your clothes what you like. You're not going to be messed with. You're not some hapless human who stumbled into the faerie mound and can be toyed with - you're one of us. And by extension, your mate. We're not racist here - we're not going to hold you being a human against you. I'd very much advise trying the food - you can say what you like about the Fae, but they can put up a feast.

Go on, get in - no one's going to hurt you - well - not much. Or if so, not on purpose. You know what it's like...~

 

 

The cat is walking out onto the ceiling. I have to close my eyes to prevent them from going weird.

I hold on to your hand very, _very_ tightly. I want to be out of here, but you are in here, and I can't leave you...

 

 

_Your eyes are closed... Aww. You're having a hard time with this aren't you, Tiger?_

_Which begs the question... why am *I* not having a harder time with this? Interesting. Side effect of madness? Or is it something to do with the memories of this place? They feel like they came from a dream... is it possible it was more than a dream? I mean, if I'm here now (Big *if*... I'm still allowing for the possibility of a delusion, individual or shared) then... it's possible I could have been here before... as a child?? I remember *nothing* about visiting a mound, or falling into a faerie realm. But my memories of early childhood are disjointed anyway... too much trauma, and we are *not* going there, thank you very fucking much._

_I squeeze your hand. OK, that felt weird - it's *not* part of our rapport for me to *reassure* you. But I'm feeling something uncomfortably like fucking *guilt* that you have to deal with all this, so... it makes the gnawing feeling in my stomach a little less ghastly to be nice to you. Apparently._

_"Tiger... all right?" I murmur._

_You slowly open your eyes, and nod at me._

_"So our feline host who's just jumped onto the ceiling informed me that we don't need to worry about the usual rules about humans in the faerie realm. Because I'm - some kind of 'Champion' and my privilege extends to you. That means we can eat, drink and be merry which includes getting our fuck on, if the mood should strike. From what I recall of Bealtaine, it has a bit of a saucy nature. So if you can believe what he says, then - we're supposed to enjoy the party until Amadan is ready to meet with us. And I can't help but think... that standing around and being uptight will *not* impress them. I suspect it would be best for us to try and show we're down with the faerie way of doing things. Chairman Meow assures me we won't be harmed, and I believe his intentions are good. But I can't speak for a mysterious faerie Lord I've never met, can I?"_

_I lay my hand on your shoulder. "So, Tiger... I know this feels fucked up and threatening... but, I can't help but be curious, being who I am. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity to experience something outside the fucking tedious mundane world we have to deal with every bloody day. My question to you is... shall we jump on the ceiling and take advantage of their hospitality?" I raise an eyebrow and grin at you madly._

 

 

I look at you like I'm seeing you for the first time - and in a way I _am_. I have seen so many faces of you, over the years - all your personas, and so many sides of Jim Moriarty himself - but this one is new. It's _like_ your game face, lit up in a slightly maniacal way, but even more so - fuck me. You look like you... somehow _belong_.

Part of me wants to recoil - it's the normal human fear of the weird, of the paranormal, the other realm... and the idea that you could be part of this - draw me into this, drown me into this...

But - what would I do? Go back, leave you in this faerie hell?

Never. I couldn't leave you; the mere thought is inconceivable, and scarier than whatever this place has in store for me.

Right, then. If you want to eat, drink, and be merry, I'll be right there with you.

I nod, stretch out my leg, put it on the ceiling in some weird acrobatic trick, move my weight - my stomach _lurches_ , my head spins - and I'm standing on the ground, holding your hand with you upside down in a hole in the wall.

Oh for fuck's sake. I hate this place already.

But I put on a brave smile. This Lord wants _you_ , so I can do my usual bodyguard stuff, right? Just stay at your side, keep an eye on stuff, be unobtrusive. Just - make sure you remain safe. I can do that. I think. Though usually I don't have to watch for murderous flowers or dangerous frogs. Or trust a cat's word that you'll not be harmed.

Just - don't think too much, Sebastian. Watch Jim; don't get in trouble. One step at a time.

 

 

_When you're on the ceiling, *everything changes*..._

_You learn to move differently here... see differently, breathe differently..._

_If you focus too much on the external forms, the *other*ness, then seeing the realm through mundane human eyes is deeply unsettling. Upsetting, even. If you see from a deeper place... there is wonder, there is beauty, there is wild delight. I wonder how I can impart this to you, Tiger... all these appearances make sense here, they all *fit*..._

_Hmm. You'll acclimatize. It can't be a mistake that you're here. What did Keith call you?_

_"You're the Champion's Champion. That's what the cat said, when he wasn't calling you Pretty Boy. So if there's something that you see in *me* that calls to you... then... maybe..." I raise my face to the air, close my eyes and breathe in deeply. "...there's something in this place that will speak to you, too?_

_I can't explain it, Tiger... but this place, I think I've *been here* before... and I can't help but feel there's some mystery to who *I am* that I can crack here. *Here* and nowhere else... I'm sorry you got dragged along for the ride, but I'm also not. I... feel better, *safer* being here with you. Like I'd be in danger of floating off like a balloon and never returning..." I confess, wide-eyed. "There's a part of me that doesn't want to go back... Tiger... this makes more sense to me than the mundane world. Isn't that funny?" I watch a jewel-coloured fish float by, leaving a stream of iridescent bubbles. I poke the bubbles and laugh as they float in different directions, and explode like tiny fireworks. "*So lovely*!!"_

 

 

Oh god.

You've really lost it now.

Though - what is madness, except being in a minority of one, like George Orwell said? Seen that way, I am the one who's mad here...

You _belong_ here?! What, are you a fucking faerie, Jim? Am I one of the doomed humans who got lured into falling in love with a Fae? It would explain your otherworldly beauty, your capriciousness, your inability to relate to human nature, your random cruelty, your wicked sense of humour...

Oh fuck.

"Jim - are you _one of them?!”_

 

 

_My head snaps back to you. "Am *I* a faerie?" I laugh with delight. "Don't be ridiculous, Tiger... Well, I don't think so..." I look at you doubtfully. "That's not what the cat said... I think it's more like I have some kind of connection to this place, and some kind of... purpose in the human world that fits the Fae agenda. Or Amadan's agenda. So obviously I want to find out about this, because I don't particularly like the thought of answering to *anyone*... but I'm quite sure I'm *human*... ish? Well, 95% sure..." I look at you and shrug. "To be determined. Keith says we simply *must* try the food and drink. Shall we start there? I see some lovely sweets and something that looks like a punch bowl. We'll just drink around the goldfish. I wonder if it's as foolish to drink punch in the faerie realm as in the human world. Let's find out." I wink at you and pull you to the table with punch and desserts._

 

 

Right, Tiger. You can do two things. You can keep scowling and unnerve Jim, or you can join in the revelry and have a party in what is probably a dream _anyway_. It's not like you to pass up an opportunity to get drunk. Even if the drink has fish in it. Just - do what you'd do at a human party. Drink but not too much, eat, keep an eye on Jim, get him in a dark corner if you can. Though - it doesn't look like the... people... here bother with dark corners. There's quite a lot of quite family-unfriendly stuff going on in plain sight.

I sigh. Just roll with it. That's my life. Follow Jim, keep him safe, and roll with the punches - or punch.

You hand me a glass that looks thinner than paper, and I take it gingerly. You managed to get me a cup without fish - thanks, Jim.

Keith jumps onto the table, and fishes a paw into the punch, claws out a fish, eats it, smiling - I swear he's smiling. I know cats can't smile.

I raise my glass to him, take a sip. It tastes - wow. Of dewdrops on buttercups, honey clover, lark song on a spring morning, hawthorn blossom, grass when you run through it barefoot.

 

 

_You're following me to the table with your legendary Tiger scowl, and as much as I *know* I should be focused on gathering information and preparing for my meeting with Amadan... at this moment all that I can think about is squeezing every drop of enjoyment out of this experience - and making sure you have fun along with me._

_I'm pleased to see you drinking from the glass that I press into your hand - and even more pleased to see the look that alights on your face. Mmm. Awe-struck Tiger..._

_I throw my own drink back, and I taste vanilla frosted cake from my fourth birthday... blowing dandelion seeds and making wishes... eating melty chocolate biscuits in the hot sun with my brother Georgie after swimming all afternoon... the soft petals of pastel tulips brushing against my skin._

_I open my eyes slowly, running my tongue over my lips. I see you watching me and I pull you against me, kissing you hungrily._

 

 

Eh- oh.

_Oh._

Well, yes, that's one way of putting me at my ease...

Jim kisses are always more than welcome, hungry Jim kisses doubly so, hungry Jim kisses which taste of rainbows and rose petals... hmmm. Heady stuff...

I put my arms around you and pull you close. You seem so vibrant here - like you're shimmering with an energy that's resonating just right. Like sparks could fly off you any moment.

I kiss you again, close my eyes...

 

 

_I draw back from the kiss, look at you with half-closed eyes. My arms are around your neck. Oh... we don’t do this... there’s a part of me that’s shouting loudly, ‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing! *We don’t do this*!!’_

_I blink at you, dazed. “Another drink, Tiger. Now.”_

 

 

Eh. Yes Boss.

I get to the table, dip our glasses in the punch. As I'm putting in my glass, one of the fish swims close, and -

"Ow!" I whip my hand out of the bowl, dropping the glass. "It bit me!" Blood drips from my ring finger into the bowl, onto the table, on the floor. The bloody thing bit _deep_. As I stick my finger in my mouth, I see the fish in the bowl fight each other to get to the blood drops slowly diffusing in the punch.

 

 

_I’m watching this, idly wondering if you need assistance when a red-haired male faerie wanders over to you. He has sharp elfin features, and he’s wearing what looks like a kilt made from animal skins. He has a sword strapped to his back, and I’m wondering what the material is if it’s not steel, when he places his hand on your arm._

_*His hand is on your arm.*_

_And I’m taking purposeful strides to the table where I find him sucking on your wound while you watch in a daze._

_I shove in between you and stare him down. He smiles knowingly. “Greetings, Champion. I was merely healing the wound, you see?”_

_He lifts your hand and I see the bite has stopped bleeding. Snarling, I rip his hand off you, and he shakes his head. “I would not dream of coming in between you and your mate. But punch-fish bites are a nasty business...”_

_“Thank you for your services,” I say coldly. “He’s not my *mate*, he’s my bodyguard - and I don’t like people touching what belongs to *me*...”_

_The male faerie smiles playfully. “Whatever you say. But what if I requested permission... could I touch him then? What about you?” His eyes glow lavender, and he gently lets his fingers trail over my chest. I watch in fascination as he runs his tongue over his lips suggestively._

_“It’s Bealtaine Eve...” he whispers. “It would be an honour to celebrate with the Champion and him who guards the Champion’s body with his own...” He smiles at me invitingly and two glasses of punch appear magically in our hands. I can’t help but glance down to check for goldfish._

 

 

I glance at the glass appearing in my hand - then look back to the faerie _licking his lips at you_. Hold on. Hold on one cotton-picking moment here. When you said fuck, I didn't take that to mean _other people_. Or - elves. Or whatever.

He turns to me, looks me in the eyes, an amused smile on his face. He is _very_ attractive. Pale skin to equal yours, long straight hair of the most lustrous copper, slightly pointed ears, pale violet eyes, the longest lashes I've ever seen - and that tongue - so pink, so dexterous, flitting over those smooth lips - what would that tongue feel like against mine? Against my lips - my skin - my cock...

The violet eyes are getting larger, I can't look away... I'm losing myself in the amethyst expanse... the tongue just touching my mouth...

 

 

_A fierce scowl settles on my face as I watch what’s happening. Sighing, I cover your eyes. “What do you think you’re doing, darling?” I ask the faerie in a soft menacing voice. “Did I give you permission to bewitch my Tiger?”_

_The faerie turned his violet eyes to me. “I assure you I mean no harm or offence, dear Champion. We just do things differently here...”_

_“Is that so?” I regard him curiously. “Let’s just see...” I feel my eyes go black. “On your knees... now.” My voice is a dangerous purr, and I watch in fascination as the faerie sinks to his knees. I take his chin in my hand, squeezing hard. “Faeries like to play? Good. Pleasure me. If you do well, I may let you do Sebastian next. Just keep your enchantments to yourself, if you know what’s good for you... darling.” I kiss the faerie hard and bite his lip, then give him a death stare. He smiles up at me with his bleeding lip. Then he eases my trousers down and begins to suck. I pull you into a long, wet kiss, my fingers tightening in your hair._

 

 

What happened there? Was I _really_ about to kiss this - guy - right in front of you!? What the fuck - enchantment? Oh, great. Now I have to worry about getting bewitched and... taken advantage of?

Though it looks like you are taking advantage now... I nearly sink to my own knees at the tone of your voice. God, Jim...

Though I'd normally kill anyone even looking at you, seeing you so naturally and effortlessly dominate a random stranger - a very handsome stranger - is surprisingly hot. I find my cock stirring, notice my mouth is still open, panting slightly.

You're kissing me and I taste the faerie's blood - and fuck, I don't even mind that the guy is sucking your cock. It's quite handy to have someone to blow you while you are kissing me - I can't do both at the same time after all.

Bloody hell. Way to join the party, Jim...

 

 

_Fuck, this is hot... but the hottest thing is that my focus is on *you*. This faerie on the end of my cock doesn't need to be there... but he is, so... may as well enjoy that._

_Only the goldfish appear to be watching us, grinning and showing bloody teeth, while pressing their fins against the glass._

_Hmm... I twist my hand in the faerie's hair and pull him off my cock. "There," I growl and point to a quieter spot away from the punch bowl._

_The faerie hops up and saunters off. I grab your hand and pull you with me._

_He watches as I take your face in my hands. "I don't give a shit about enchantment. You do what *I* say, and nothing more..." I whisper fiercely and kiss you. "On your knees, Tiger."_

_I point to the faerie. "You. You're going to suck Tiger off and if I get even a hint of bewitchment going on, you and I are going to have an altercation. Clear?" The faerie nods, batting his long eyelashes._

_"Hands and knees, fuckboy." I say in a silky voice. You're not the only irresistible one at this faerie fuck fest, darling... I look at him with gleaming eyes, and he sinks down to his knees watching me closely._

_I jerk my chin towards Sebastian, and the faerie pulls down his pants. In a flash, I've positioned myself behind him, and I'm throwing his leather kilt over his muscular back. The faerie looks back, his violet eyes pulsing. He reaches into a pouch on his belt, and hands me a small container. I open it up to find goopy blue liquid and I throw back my head and laugh. "Faerie lubricant? Does this make fucking completely trippy, too?"_

_I grin and slather my cock with it. Then I'm fingering the faerie, but he doesn't merit a lot of preparation because he tried to enchant you and I'm sure he can magic away any discomfort after with a glittery faerie salve._

_I push my way into him, and I look up to see you watching me as your cock gets sucked by the faerie I've just skewered. I reach for you over his back, and pull you into a soulful kiss._

_I'm thrusting into the faerie, which drives him back and forth on your cock... and fuck if the hottest thing about this isn't kissing you and looking into your eyes._

_*We don't do this*, I'm reminded by some resistant part of myself. My answer is to take your face in my hands, slip my tongue past your lips and *moan* into your mouth. Oh god... *Tiger*..._

 

 

This time the command _is_ directed at me, and my knees give way immediately. Fuck, Jim - you're ruling this cave with even more ease than you generally rule any human congregation.

Well - when we're in a human setting I'm normally keeping an eye out for people wanting to kill you, not fuck you. We don't _usually_ frequent love-ins.

Still, though it's usually a much more tense affair, I have to say I do love seeing you interact with other people. I mean, you are formidable when we are together, but when I see you with _others_... how easily you manipulate any situation you're in, have anyone eating out of your hand, have them fall over each other to please you - it's an incredible sight.

It looks like elves are as susceptible to your power as humans are... and Tigers. There's no doubt who's in charge here, and no doubt as to whether your toys are enjoying it. Looks like I was right - that tongue _does_ feel heavenly on my cock. I had never expected to actually feel it...

We don't do this. We don't do others. We never discussed it - but I have always been very aware that I am yours and anyone touching me will die. And though I never asked you, you never even looked at anyone else in my presence. I don't know what you do when you're not with me - but if you have fucked others, you've been very discreet. You probably know that if I ever were aware, they would have an unfortunate accident sooner rather than later...

But this... it's not something I'd ever considered - _sharing_ someone - the mere thought would have made me homicidal. But this - this pretty, pretty elf skewered between us - just seems to enhance the pleasure - it's like a new toy, but it's more than a toy; I actually feel sympathy for him. I could never have imagined I'd _like_ someone you stuck your cock in, but there we go. It is a magical realm after all.

And you kissing me... moaning into me... I'm melting, melting into your mouth, into the faerie's mouth... I groan. " _Jim_..."

 

 

_I'm staring at you, and one hand is on your face and the other is palming your neck. I dig my fingernails into your skin as I begin to thrust harder. I hear the faerie moaning, feel his body tightening around my cock. I wonder how this feels to you... we've never discussed such a thing, it really wasn't an issue. We both have our issues with jealousy. I'm searching your face for some sign that I should fly into a fit of rage, even though this was my idea (so?)... but all I see is you staring back at me in wonder and desire. I mean, *of course* you're enjoying getting your cock sucked by some pretty fucktoy - haven't we all - but you seem far more focused on me. Which is as it should be. Yes, it was my direction that placed the faerie on your cock (so?)... but this needs to be about me to not end in violence and bloodshed. I narrow my eyes. I think you get that - you're a clever Tiger, and you've met me._

_Suddenly what I want most in the world is to be having a conversation with you... to be feeling - what's that thing people do? *Afterglow*?? God... the faerie realm *has* got to me..._

_I increase my pace, and soon I'm slamming into the faerie's body while pressing my face against yours, wrapping my arms around your neck._

_"Come now..." I growl. I do not want you still touching this faerie's body after I'm done. You seem like you're on the edge anyway, because soon you're tumbling off it, grasping my shoulders and groaning._

_When I come, I moan and gasp into your neck, and you hold me up._

_I look down and see the body between us, and a face looks up mischievously. "The *Champion*," he says glowingly. "Magnificent..."_

_"Mmm. Delightful work." I kiss his lips briefly. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you need to piss off now. And stay the fuck away from Sebastian if you know what's good for you. Thank you for your wonderful hospitality!" I grin madly, and stand up._

_Violet eyes spin as they look at me. He smiles and bows. "My pleasure, I assure you..."_

_Wisely he looks only at me as he stands. Survival skills, that one. "And what are you called?" I ask carefully, knowing names are a tricky thing in the faerie realm._

_"Aconite..." he whispers seductively. "Perhaps I'll see you again, Champion..."_

_I raise an eyebrow. "Careful, darling..." I sing. "Yours is not the only dangerous territory..." I feel my eyes glint and he smiles carefully before loping off like a wolf._

_I stare at you hard, and start pulling on my clothes._

_"If there's any question about what just happened... what it comes down to is this. We're in the faerie realm, and it feels like all the rules are different. But the one rule that remains no matter what is that *no one* touches you without my permission. And if I for one moment think that anyone has your interest, your focus, your desire, more than *me*... well, I should be very unhappy, Sebastian. Very unhappy indeed." I button up my trousers, and yank you towards me to kiss you possessively. I'm breathing hard when I pull away. "Any questions, Tiger?"_

 

 

“Clear as crystal, Boss,” I grin.

I’m leaning against the wall of a kind of alcove in the cave, which is quieter, darker than the rest, which suits me very well. It gives me a chance to have a look at the surroundings - an essential part of being a bodyguard, and I didn’t like them being all confusing and unclear before.

Most people are on what I guess is the floor now, which was the ceiling when we entered. But there are people on the walls too - gravity seems to be attracting to whatever surface you’re on. And a few seem to be just floating, and not caring about gravity at all. The stream I saw earlier is on a wall, leading deeper into the cave through a huge tunnel.

There are luminous crystals in the rock as well as torches, making the whole scene quite well lit. People and animals and creatures are all around, in little groups, dancing to music from pipes, odd little stringed instruments, and drums. Some - well, quite a few - are having sex in any number of configurations, some of them involving the animals, creatures, or even what look like moving plants.

One group appears to be - oh. Damn. One girl with sharp teeth is eating through the neck of a lady elf while a guy is fucking the latter, her blood dripping over his cock. Occasionally she stops her feast to kiss him deeply. The lady appears well and truly dead, only held up by her hair tied to a pillar.

No one seems to bat an eyelid at this. I nudge you, nod at the scene.

 

 

_I watch as you survey the surroundings - bodyguard mode. I should probably have let you do more of this before I pulled you into an elfin threesome, but - I feel very affected by this place. Now that I've had an orgasm (which was spectacular - I don't know if it was being in the faerie realm, or being in Aconite, or that connection I had with Sebastian... I shift uncomfortably. It was probably the goddamn faerie lube. I slide my hand in my pocket, and grin when I realize I still have the container. Hah. I'll definitely be using this on Sebastian later... for collecting data, of course. He'll be my control group, I giggle to myself.)_

_As I survey the scene myself, I also find myself thinking about him using the lube on *me*... and shake myself out of it. Jimmy, you just came in the body of some faerie minx... and you're already thinking of your next orgasm? Maybe it's Bealtaine Eve that's making everything so randy. Because it seems like everybody is having sex with someone - or something? Plants?? Oh, are they some kind of *creature*? I'm staring in fascination, and one of them beckons me over with a frond. I laugh in shock. I may be enchanted by the faerie realm, but... no._

_You nudge me, and I look over at you, and then the scene you're watching._

_"Takes all kinds..." I say lazily. "Guess we should be careful about who we... mingle with. The kitty said we'd be safe because I'm the Champion, whatever the fuck that means. But... best to be vigilant. How do you feel about what just happened?" I find myself blurting out._

_How do you *what*? When have those words *ever* crossed my lips? Since when have I given a flying fuck about how my actions make someone *feel*??_

 

 

How do I feel about - how do _I feel?!_ What - is this one of these new things you do now, like touching and apologizing - now we get sex evaluation sessions?!

I don’t think you’ve ever asked me how I feel, except when I was in extreme pain and you wanted me to describe it for you - not quite the same.

“Eh -“ I start, not quite sure how to continue.

“It was... hot, I guess?” I’m very aware I’m dancing on very thin ice here - any suggestion that I enjoyed having _someone else_ suck my cock, even though it was your idea...

“Normally I’d want to kill anyone who touched you - but this seemed - more like sharing. Like it was us fucking and he was just a... facilitator, or something.

And it was hot to see the effect you had on him - how you can just bring anyone to their knees with a word, a look - see how you rule any situation you find yourself in, even if it’s one as weird as this one...

But... this is less weird for you than for me, is it?”

I look at you, scrutinizingly. You seem so at ease, so free - like you never are outside. It’s like you’re actually convinced that no one here is out to kill you... I’m less certain, Jim...

 

 

_I assess your answer with a sharp smile. Very carefully worded... of course. Oh, Tiger... I have trained you well._

_I look around the cave. “I suppose it is less weird. Like I already know this place from dreams... or I thought they were dreams...” I trail off. “I so need a conversation with this faerie Lord. Not that this hasn’t been all kinds of fun...” I smirk at you. “But... I’m ready for some answers. What say we ask around, see if anyone knows anything about his whereabouts or anything... interesting...” I reach out for your hand and see you hesitate. I gesture at the dead elf being fucked and eaten. “We are not being separated here...” I shake my hand at you, and you grasp it._

_“Oh, and Tiger...?” I lean into you and murmur into your ear. “I’ve always rather enjoyed your murderous impulses at the thought of anyone touching me. No need for that to change, is there.” My eyes flick over yours and I smile slyly as I turn and lead you away from the alcove._

 

 

I grin at you in what I assume is a reassuring manner. Or saucy. Or something. Possibly demented or panicked.

I look around to see if I can spot Keith anywhere, but I can’t see him.

“Shall we have a look round the cave, to see if we can find the cat? He got us here; he should be able to tell you more about his boss...”

We walk through a huge tunnel and into another cave, even bigger than the first one. In the middle is a massive crowd of elves and other creatures doing a complex dance - it looks fascinating; geometric shapes expanding, contracting, changing to other ones. The colours of their clothes change with the movements, which makes the entire scene mesmerizing - wow.

We stand for a bit staring at the spectacle before we move on into the cave. I don’t see Keith - other cats, yes; all shapes, sizes, and colours, but no black kitty.

There are tables along the wall, and we move towards them, to keep out of the way of the dancing crowds. Things looking like cakes are laid out on giant plates, and my stomach reminds me I haven’t eaten in a very long time... I pull you towards the table, still holding your hand, and pick up one of the cakes. It smells delicious. I take a bite - oh yes. This tastes like heaven. I close my eyes for a second to savour it...

I hear a giggle, high, female...

I open my eyes, see nothing - just darkness -

I turn to you - I can’t see you; but I still have your hand in mine - have I gone blind?!

I don’t hear the music any more either... what’s happened?

A bright flash blinds me momentarily, I close my eyes -

When I open them I look at you -

You’re not there. Holding my hand is a female elf who has to be one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen.

The cave, the table, the dancers - all gone. We are in a small room, seemingly without entrance or exit.

 


	6. The Queen

_Someone approaches and I look to see a female elf smiling at me as she walks towards us. There's something about the air in front of her, almost like thick but clear *mist*... I blink and look at her again and it's like a mist parts before her. I see a flash of sharp teeth and a long pointed tongue licking her lips. There's a rush of air that makes me close my eyes and when I open them again, it's like she's jumped locations. She's abruptly moved across the cave, walking away with a tall man with golden hair... walking away with..._

_My eyes widen and I look down to see in my hand a large bloody heart. Aghast, I throw it - it bounces against a wall and rebounds onto a cake on one of the tables. A blue-haired goblin-like creature is cutting slices of cake with a big knife. When he sees the heart, he pulls an axe from his belt and chops through it, to include a slice of heart on the plate of cake, which he then hands to a small goblin child who reaches for it with chubby goblin hands with tiny claws._

_I look back to the female elf, who glances back with a malevolent smile and punches through the air - a shimmering doorway appears and she pulls you into it before disappearing._

_Fuck. FuckFuckFUCK..._

_I run to the spot where she opened up the doorway and touch the air gingerly with my hand, still bloody from the heart. It does feel like something's there... there's even a smear of blood left in the air when I move my hand. But try as I might, I can't open the 'door'..._

_"Tiger!" I yell sharply. "SEBASTIAN..."_

_*FUCK*..._

_I hear a whisper that sounds distinctly like ‘Mine, now’._

_"Listen up, you stupid bitch..." I snarl. "If you touch the Champion of the Champion, I don't care *what* kind of touch, you will be strewn across this cave piece by piece before this night is over. That's my fucking *VOW*, and I will *MAKE* it happen by any means necessary. Are we clear?"_

_‘*MINE NOW*’ is screamed with such force that it drives me back from the doorway, and then I hear a tiny female giggle before a scorpion is shoved under the invisible door. The scorpion's tiny eyes glow red and it waves its glowing orange stinger at me before rushing at my bare foot. I jump back and watch as jagged black wings sprout from its back and it launches itself into the air. I grab a rock which I smash against the scorpion into the cave wall. I hear an angry "*Prick*!" and then the crumpled scorpion slides down the cave wall, leaving a trail of bright orange blood which causes the rocks to sizzle. I use the rock to slide the mangled, cursing scorpion under the 'door'._

_I press my hands against the thick air and hiss into it, "Don't. Underestimate. Me. Bitch."_

_I narrow my eyes and survey the cave. The kitty is walking along the table, seemingly stalking a grinning goldfish who is hopping along the tablecloth towards the hand of an oblivious faerie leaning against the table._

_~Keith! Sebastian's in trouble! I need help NOW,~ I think loudly at him, and I watch as his head snaps up in my direction._

 

 

"What the fuck!?" I pull my hand from hers. "Where's Jim?!"

"Oh hello Commander," she purrs. "I thought we could spend some time to get to know each other better..."

She moves to the wall and pulls it aside like a curtain, revealing a room lit with hundreds of candles on ledges; an enormous four-poster bed in the middle on a raised dais. Tied to each post is a faerie standing on tip-toe, two female ones at the head of the bed, two male ones at the foot. They need to stand on tip-toe because each one has a noose around their neck - if they were to lean onto their feet they'd strangle themselves. I have to admire the effortless cruelty of it.

She sits down on the edge of the bed, pats the space beside her, but I remain standing.

"What's happening? Who are you? Where is Jim!?"

She laughs, the sound of tinkling bells, if the bells were attached to the foot of a man writhing in his death throes. She's the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, but also looks feral and deadly - much like you... Her hair is the colour that silver would be if black were purple. Her eyes are violet; not the pale shade of Aragorn or whatever his name was, but dark and deep and intoxicating. Her skin is the palest lilac, almost white, and shimmering in the light of the candles. She’s wearing a dress that looks like it’s opalescent water pouring down her body – there’s something there, but it serves to accentuate the beauty of her features rather than conceal them. Her breasts are small but perfectly formed, mauve nipples standing proud.

She extends a long arm to me. The distance between us seems too great, but the arm crosses it, and she touches my hand.

"Come sit with me, Commander... I would get to know you better..."

"I'm _fine_ where I am, thank you - well - no - actually - I would like to go back. See, I'm with the Champion - and he'll be missing me..."

She laughs again. "The Champion, yes, I'd heard of his arrival. Amadan's Champion... It's not fair," she pouts. "If he gets a Champion, surely I should get one too..."

She's right in front of me though I didn't see her move. Her eyes are so dark... so deep...

"See, I am the Queen of this Mound... You and the Champion are only here because I allow you to be. Amadan wants to play games with his Champion... surely then I can play games with my own? Wouldn't you like to be my Champion? I assure you the benefits are... manifold..."

How did I get onto the bed!? And _where are my clothes!?_ I jump off the bed, feeling better with some distance between us, though she appears to not really need to cross physical space.

"Look - your Majesty - I'm sure you're a great employer, but I'm afraid I'm already the Champion's Champion - and as such, interests may get confused..."

She clicks her teeth together and I’m _falling_ \- my stomach is lurching –

I’m in a bath – a rock pool – a faerie on either side of me, washing me - _fuck_ \- “Stop this!” I shout, pushing them away. They giggle, splash onto the side. The queen is standing in the water, her dress merging perfectly with the surface, like they’re one – like I’m inside her dress – I try to get out but my feet and hands aren’t getting purchase on the smooth surfaces.

She smiles. “It’s really no use to struggle, Commander… as you can see, I am perfectly capable of making you do what I want to. But I’d prefer us to be friends…

Here, have a snack.”

She holds out a bowl of what look like lychees, but which I recognize on second glance to be eyeballs. Are they human eyeballs? They _look_ like human eyeballs – blue and brown irises, not the elven purple ones. Are there any other animal species which have the same shape eyes?

 

 

_Keith sails over the goldfish, off the table and across the cave faster than I've ever seen him or any cat move. He comes skidding to a stop in front of me._

_~What's wrong? Where's your Tiger?~_

_"Some faerie bitch took him!" I shout, clenching my fists. "She disappeared into an invisible doorway over there, and said he was *hers*, now!! What the *fuck*, Keith - you told me no one would mess with him!"_

_The kitty blinks at me. ~No one *would* mess with either of you, not *seriously*, anyway... Amadan would have their *heads* on a pike by morning. The only one who doesn't fear him is- ~_

_The cat looks up at me, concern registering in his eyes. ~Female faerie? Pale violet all over? Sexy and beautiful in an 'I'll eat your soul for breakfast' kind of way?~_

_I scoff. "Like I know?? Female and violet, yes. Sexy and beautiful? All these females look the same to me! But yes, now that you mention it, the fucking piranha teeth and snake tongue were cause for concern! Did you not hear me when I said she took Sebastian for herself?? Get me into that room, *now*!!"_

_~Whoa, champ... you're out of your league. That's the *Faerie Queen*, the most recent one. The Unseelie court has always had a taste for darkness, but she's the darkest sovereign we've seen in a long time. And it's bringing out the very worst in our darkest creatures... The good news is she likes attractive men, and she'll want to have her fun with him, not just kill him outright...~ the kitty trails off when he sees my face._

_"Have her *fun* with him..." I say softly. "You mean..." I start to pace, pounding my fist against my thigh. "Get me into that room *right fucking now*," I seethe._

_The cat shakes his head solemnly. ~Can't do it, Champ. I can't break through her wards, and even if I could I'd be *annihilated* by her. The only chance you have is...~_

_"*What*..." I snap. "*What's* my only chance?"_

_~Amadan...~_

_"Where the fuck is he?" I shout._

_~I *don't know*... but I'll put the call out to him and ask around. You should ask people too, maybe someone knows something... I'll be back as soon as I can. Try not to worry, Champ...~ he soothes. ~Amadan will figure something out...~ and with that, the kitty bounds across the cave, leaving me on my own._

_I look over at the cavorting faeries and creatures drinking and shagging, and I turn away, fighting back angry tears. It would be like asking for help from club kids once the party had started... I don't have that kind of time to waste asking questions and snapping necks. Sebastian is locked in a room, alone with a ravenous creature who likes to have her fun with beautiful men... I curse as I realize I've bitten my lip. I touch my thumb to my lip and stare at the blood. I lick it off, and stride over to the wall. I look for a sharp outcropping of rock and I slash my palm against it. I stare unflinching into the unlit darkness on the far side of the cave tunnel. I hold up my bleeding palm._

_~*Amadan!!*~ I shout inside my mind. ~You want me? You got me. I have one condition - You help me take this bitch down and get my Tiger back unharmed... and I'll do whatever the fuck you want.~_

_Silence. The tears that have been threatening finally burst out and come spilling out over my cheeks. I feel a sob tear through me, followed by a fury like I've never known._

_*AMADAN!!* I roar. The scream seems to go on and on, and energy flies out from me in all directions, shaking the cave. I watch as pieces of rock come flying off the walls and skid across the cave floor, kicking up clouds of powder and pebbles._

_My mouth falls open._

_That's... new..._

 

 

"Alright. Let's be friends. We can start with not holding me against my will and taking my clothes away. That's a very poor basis for a friendship, your Majesty. Shall we have a seat somewhere and just talk, and see what we can arrange?"

_Play for time. Jim will get to me... or I may be able to find a weakness and escape. Keep it cool, soldier._

She looks at me, her head cocked. She waves a hand, and I'm sitting on a leather folding chair, next to an amethyst throne, on which the queen reclines. A small table is in front of us with two glasses of sparkling liquid and several bowls of what I assume are nibbles, some of which appear to be still alive. I prefer not to partake of any of the delights this lady offers.

She looks at me, an eyebrow raised mock-questioningly - so like you...

"Alright then human, let's _talk_..." she drawls, "seeing as you are slow to understand... I have chosen you, which is a tremendous honour. It appears you are less than keen, though... why is that, I wonder? Do you not find me attractive?"

She moves sensuously, licks her lips and strokes her hand briefly over one breast, then beckons at my cock, who traitorously responds by twitching a little. Not! helping!

"I do find you very attractive, your Majesty, and I am honoured that you would choose me. However, I am not free to accept your invitation. I already belong to another."

She huffs, takes a drink from her glass. "Human obligations mean nothing here. I release you from your bond."

I imagine your response to this and nearly chuckle. "I'm afraid it's not that simple, your Majesty. My life and body belong to the Champion. I can't just abandon him to be your Champion - if I did that, what would my vow be worth?"

She puts the glass down a little more forcefully than is necessary. "Vows! Vows made in the human realm - insignificant. Fleeting as a leaf on the wind." Suddenly her face is in front of mine, dangerously close, looking into my eyes, boring into my mind... - "What do you _desire_... Sebastian?"

I swallow, force myself _not_ to drown into those bottomless purple pools... "I desire my Lord, the Champion... I have not just made a vow to him, I truly desire nothing more than to serve him, for the rest of my life. I love him..."

…

Cat? I don’t suppose I can convince you to get back into the bag?

Just - don't tell Jim, OK?

But - it seems to have some effect. She pulls back a little.

" _Love?_ Oh, how _sweet!_ ” Her tinkling laugh.

“Not just loyalty, vows, bonds – but _love_ …” She looks at me, scrutinizing.

“We don’t do love – it’s a fascinating concept, though. There are many tales of human love, and how it defies all logic, and the crazy deeds humans do for it. It’s one of your most intriguing features…”

She leans back in her chair. “So tell me a tale of your love, Sebastian… tell me the fantastic things you two do for love.”

Tale – what – she wants me to tell her a _love story!?_ Of _Jim and me!?_

“Eh… we’re hardly typical of human love…” I stumble.

“Don’t _bore_ me, Sebastian…” she bites - her voice, her words, her tone, so much like you –

_Jim…_

“Eh… well…” I search my memory frantically for something, _anything_ , between us that might be thought of as representing love – it’s not like that, your Majesty; we are not a love story, it’s a harrowing tale of one-sided pining and cruelty and violence and amazing sex…

Which might just be the type she likes, actually…

“Our first night together… when he made me his. He chained me to the bed and tortured me all night long – cut my body, beat it, burnt it, teased me until I was desperately begging him to take me, fuck me, touch me, _anything_ … he balanced me on the edge of the abyss for so long, and then pushed me over, and I fell headlong into the darkness that was him. He marked me as his,” I turn and show her the M on my back, “and I have been his, mind, body, and soul, ever since.”

I hope that is enough. I hope she doesn’t make me explain about the love. The love that grew slowly and came to the surface, violently and unexpectedly, one night as we were both getting shitfaced and I saw you giggle, so relaxed with me, so free, so real… the first time I saw behind the masks, saw the real _Jim_ underneath all the Moriarty…

And how it’s grown since then, like a weed taking over a garden, permeating every inch of my being, every second of my waking days, every moment of my dreams. Jim. I love you Jim. You are my life, my soul, my everything…

And how I can never tell you, because like the fae, you don’t do love, you can’t understand emotion, you would scorn me, call me weak, a victim… You’d laugh at me; and it would break me.

The queen interrupts my train of thought. “Such a beautiful story…” she smiles, and I can’t tell if she means it.

“Fine, then. I’ll let you be. I wouldn’t want a Champion who isn’t wholly mine…”

My heart jumps up in relief – really? She’s letting me go?

“We’ll just spend Bealtaine Eve together… I have such delights in store for you, Sebastian…” her eyes light up.

“I can hurt your body in ways you have never imagined… and it won’t even leave scars.”

 

 

_I'm panting and shaking as I look at the rocky walls. Suddenly feeling spent, I fall back upright against the jagged rocks._

_"What. The. Fuck. Was. That..." I whisper._

_A whisper moves through me. ~And suddenly he sees...~_

_I sit up sharply. Was that - the voice from the dream?_

_A laugh caresses my mind. ~Who else has access to your insides, dear child? Trying to make me jealous...?~_

_I look around frantically. "Amadan?? Where are you?"_

_~Seek and find, seek and find...~_

_"I don't have time for games!" I shout, my hands tightening on the rocks. I close my eyes as I feel my fingers slice._

_~Always there is time for games... and if you want your Tiger back, you will play. Now... come to me, my sweet.~_

_"How?!" I whisper brokenly as I look at the cuts on my fingers._

_~You know... you have always known. Follow the black thread that tethers thee to me. Follow, my Champion...~_

_I stand up hesitantly, and look in the direction of the tunnel._

_*Thee to me...*_

_"Me to thee..." I murmur, and step along the rocky path. I see a faint glow on the rocks leading to the tunnel._

_We continue whispering back and forth to each other as I stumble forward, and it feels like a mutual caress. I walk in a daze, not knowing what to expect. I reach the tunnel, and then see another tunnel, hidden behind a shadowy corner. A faint glow of rocks appears as I peer down the corridor._

_"Me to thee..." I whisper, and walk blindly through the darkness._

 

 

"Hold on - no - no, that's very, eh, kind of you, your Majesty, but I can't spend eh, Bealtaine Eve with you - I explained - I belong to the Champion - I love him -"

_Leave me alone, you crazy evil bitch..._

"Yes," she says, dismissive, "I heard you. I will let you go back to him, tomorrow. I will merely have a night of pleasure from you..."

Her eyes grow large again - no - _no_ -

I find myself scrambling off the seat, backing away, but the _fucking wall_ comes up behind me and stops me. Oh, great. Even the architecture is against me.

"No - your Majesty- that is a great offer, but I can't -"

"Why. Not." The eyes are very close, as are the teeth, so sharp, the little tongue flicking over them, the lips shining -

"I _told_ you! I love the Champion!"

She backs off, a little. "What does that have to do with it?"

I rake a hand through my hair. "We - when we love someone, we can only have sex with that one person. It makes sex with other people... unpleasant."

"You are lying," she growls. "Do you think I've never seen a human before? They promise eternal love to each other all the time, mark it with gold, then have sex with others. I don't see gold on you in the first place, but even if you had, it wouldn't stop you from spending Bealtaine Eve with another. With the _Queen_ of the Fae, I might add... you should be _honoured_... instead you are very close to _boring_ me, Sebastian..."

"No - OK, you are right, I could - but I don't want to. I really only desire to be with the Champion."

"You say you do not want to, but your body seems to want. Just let go, Sebastian - you had a taste earlier with Aconite... don't you want to feel what delights the queen could provide? Let me tell you; before the day is over, you'll be crying with ecstasy. And then the night will still be ahead of us... just relax..."

A flash of purple, and I'm on the bed, spreadeagled, the nooses that were around the elves' necks around my limbs. I pull as hard as I can, but the bloody things won't give a bit - nor will the posts, which are much stronger than their delicate frame makes them look. The queen is standing next to the bed, smiling. She touches her neck and the dress falls off her. She licks her sharp tongue over her pointed teeth, picks up something - it looks like a plant frond - and lashes it across my chest. A stripe of burning pain - _fuck_ \- I grit my teeth against crying out, but I won't be able to for long - it feels like she slashed a sword in there -

I writhe, but the bonds don't give an inch. The smile on her face is otherworldly, ecstatic, as she raises the frond again.

 

 

_After a few moments of stumbling in the darkness, I practically fall into a large cavern. Torches suddenly light up the 'room' and I suck in my breath when I see the gleaming black throne. The cave from my dream... the cave from - *something* in my past._

_I walk carefully towards the throne and with an outstretched hand I touch it._

_"Can't keep his paws *off* it, dear child..." a voice laughs from behind me. "But then, you never could..."_

_I spin and see nothing. Slowly I turn back to the throne - where I see a young faerie male with spiky ink-black hair who looks like he could be anywhere from 13 to 30, depending on how the torch flames light up his face. He leans forward, arms on his thighs._

_"Took him long enough... has to feel like *he* makes the rules..." the male grins at me fiercely. "Must have given him too much of my blood..." He holds up his wrist and shakes it, then listens to it with a frown._

_"What are you *talking* about? Are you Amadan? I need your help!"_

_The faerie sighs, throws his legs over the arm of the throne, and places his hands behind his head. "All business... no fun... " he pouts. "What *happened* to you, my magpie?"_

_"Magpie..." A memory trickles through me, making me shiver. Me in a crib, and the faerie makes faces at me through the bars, making me laugh. Me in the cave on a blanket, while the faerie sings to me and paints symbols on my skin..._

_The faerie looks at me knowingly. "My little magpie used to love this place... my little magpie used to love *me*, and now has barely a word of recognition for his patron, for his lord?" He pouts and throws a glowing sphere suddenly in the air and catches it. "He used to love games... no more?"_

_I run my hands through my hair desperately. "I would truly love to have this conversation with you, Amadan- but it needs to be *after*... right now, I need your help!"_

_"Ah yes..." he nods sagely and throws the sphere higher in the air and catches it again. "Champion of the Champion... your Tiger. Captive to the Faerie Queen. My spies tell me she's agreed to release him - tomorrow."_

_"Tomorrow??" I repeat stupidly. "Why - ?"_

_He shrugs. "She wishes to enjoy a beautiful male for Bealtaine Eve. Who wouldn't?" He looks at me with cunning eyes, and throws his sphere in the air._

_"No...” I say woodenly, and then shout in a fury, “*NO*!!”_

_The sphere lands in his hands with a thump. "You could screech 'no, no' all night and it wouldn't make a difference ..." he remarks. "Except that it would hurt my ears by morning. Not the best way to spend Bealtaine Eve... shall I summon the most beautiful males I can find for our amusement? They can perform for us, or we could have one each, or we could start with one and then switch, or engage in the dance of four swords? Not for the faint of heart," he smirks._

_"The only thing that is up for discussion right now is how to release Sebastian... *right now*..." I say through gritted teeth. "I will *not* wait until tomorrow, I want my Champion returned to me..."_

_“Let me guess... Right now?” Amadan shrugs again. "She's a queen. She'll take what she wants... even I can't stop her from doing this..."_

_He throws the sphere up high where it almost touches the ceiling of the cave._

_I think in desperation. "Keith said the ruler of the faerie realm changes!" I shout frantically. "What if she were no longer queen?"_

_The sphere falls in between us and hovers in the air. Amadan smiles at me slowly. "Yes, Magpie?" he asks in a voice so silky smooth..._

_"Will you help me destroy her?" I demand. "I'll do anything..."_

_"Careful, Magpie..." he says, pushing the sphere and watching it swing back and forth rhythmically in front of us. "You must know how carefully you need to choose your words here... I will admit, I enjoy the thought. Perhaps it could be arranged... but - we'd need a suitable replacement before we, what was it? cut her into pieces and throw her all over the cave by the end of the night?" He giggles with pleasure. "I did so enjoy that, little one..."_

_"So you'll help me destroy her and then you’ll take the crown, and I'll have Sebastian back?" I ask quickly._

_"Me?" He places his hand on his chest looking shocked. "What should Amadan want with a crown? No, no..." he pushes the sphere gently and it floats in front of me. "Watch, Magpie..." he commands and the sphere begins to spin._

_I see a scene unfold, a coronation... it’s even more wild and magical than this evening. And the man on the throne who receives the crown is..._

_I blink. "*ME*?? But I'm not a faerie!"_

_He waves this off. "You have enough of my blood to be King..."_

_I stare at him. "What the fuck does that mean??"_

_He narrows his eyes at me. "Oh, no... you wanted to *wait* to have this conversation, Magpie... if you want your Tiger back before anything *happens*, then... we act now."_

_"But what does it mean to - "_

_"Look, dear one..." I see a scene unfolding before me and my heart sinks. Sebastian is tied down to a bed and is being whipped by that faerie bitch._

_"*No one whips Sebastian but me*..." I thunder._

_Rocks begin to fall from the walls, and Amadan looks up smiling. He draws out a parasol from behind his back, opens it over his head and twirls it._

_"Still think you can't be faerie king?" he crows and jumps up onto the throne. He walks carefully along the arm, pretends he's going to fall, and hops off gracefully. He stands in front of me, grinning. He's smaller than me, coming up only to my chin. He twirls his parasol and his black eyes spin like pinwheels._

_"I would have to stay here?" I ask, looking back at the sphere and the beautiful gleaming black crown._

_Amadan tilts his head and looks at me. "You wouldn't be the first king who likes to visit the human realm..." he remarks. "But your home would be here... would it be so terrible?"_

_"No, "I admit. "It wouldn't... but Sebastian could stay here with me?"_

_Amadan looks at me for a long time. "No... You would need an official consort and it could not be a mere human…"_

_I curl up my lip. "You'd expect me to *marry*? A *female*? Not going to happen..."_

_Amadan laughs uproariously. "Oh, but wouldn't that be the funniest disaster ever? No, no, dearest... you could choose a faerie prince. I believe you're already acquainted with one..." Amadan smirks._

_I see the sphere pulse with colours and Aconite mounts the stairs and sits in a smaller throne next to mine..._

_"He's a prince??"_

_His lips quirk. "Royalty is different here, no? Still want to go back to the human realm?"_

_"But - Sebastian would be sent back?" I ask quietly._

_"If you'd rather go back with him..." Amadan watches my face closely. "Then let the queen have her fun, and you can both go back tomorrow..."_

_"*I can't*..." I growl._

_"Then choose, Magpie... " Amadan says solemnly. The sphere splits into two smaller spheres. In one, I sit on a throne next to Aconite, looking so sad. In the other, the queen laughs as she makes Sebastian howl in pain and ecstasy with her whip, and then mounts him... he's so tired, he can't resist her and then he's moaning with pleasure - I lean in and roar *NOOOOOOO!!!* and the sphere shatters into a thousand pieces and I close my eyes as shards of light fly outwards in the cave._

_Amadan nods solemnly. "Wisely chosen, dark prince... Shall we rescue your guard?"_

_I blink in a daze. "I’m the one who slays the bitch..."_

_Amadan smiles, showing his teeth. "She's all yours. Come, Magpie. Come see how we do things in the faerie realm..."_

 

 

Pain... there is nothing but pain now... the frond keeps falling, and wherever it lands it sets the skin on fire. I have gone beyond cursing, beyond screaming, beyond thrashing in my restraints. All I can do now is sob and shudder when it lands. I can't have an inch of skin left, it's all torn off.

I've retreated into my mind, thinking of you. It would be alright if it were you doing this. I would enjoy it. You would love it. It would be personal, human. You'd talk to me, tell me how beautiful I look writhing in the restraints, how it arouses you, how you are going to torture my body further, then fuck me, because I am yours...

I am yours, Jim... Yours alone, no matter what this faerie bitch does to me.

I am so sorry, Jim... You got me because I am a badass motherfucker, because I can fight and kill anyone, and here I am, helpless in the hands of some five-foot wisp of a girl, who is damaging what is yours... who is going to rape me, and I'm powerless to prevent it... going to take what belongs to you alone...

All I can do is not surrender my mind, my emotions... she won't hear me plead, she won't hear me groan in ecstasy, no matter how many enchantments she throws at me. I am retreated in my head... I don't have a mind map like you, but I'm in our apartment in London, in bed with you, you're asleep after a great session, and my body is hurting all over and I'm looking at you with a heart overflowing with love and adoration. Your face, Jim... I will keep your face in my mind's eye... I am so sorry, Jim... please don't abandon me. Please don't reject me after this...

 

 

_Amadan closes the parasol with a snap, and swings it to rest on his shoulder jauntily. He strides further down the corridor and I follow him, trying to keep up._

_"Where are we going? It's the other way!" I yelp as my feet get cut on the rocky ground._

_"Oh, *so many* ways into secret places, and Amadan knows all the best ones..." he looks back mischievously. "There are many things to teach you, Magpie, but you'll have to learn the basics quick... you know how you can sometimes make things happen through picturing something, through focusing your will?"_

_I blink. "Yes..."_

_"Well, this trick is super-charged in the Realm... now the Faerie Queen will have had the equivalent of centuries to practice, unlike you. But the Magpie has something she doesn't..." he says slyly, and stops in front of a shimmering circle in the air._

_I stare at it. "What?"_

_"Me." He smirks, and shoves me through the shimmering air._

_It feels like being thinned out into filaments of light and energy, and then shoved back into a solid form. I gasp as I find myself in what feels like a blank space - no walls, no ceiling or floor, just darkness. Amadan places his hands on my shoulders. "You are of my blood from a distant time, and you received more as a babe - it was my gift to you. It gives you the powers of the Dark Fool, to take forth into the world. But here in the Realm, it's that much more powerful. The Champion is the only one other than the Dark Fool who can take on a faerie sovereign and hope to live... alone either of us have a small chance. Together we have a greater chance, but there is still risk. Do you understand, Magpie?" he says urgently._

_"I understand that I made a vow to decorate the cave for Bealtaine with pieces of faerie queen..." I say in a savage tone, "And I *never* break a vow."_

_A slow smile spreads across his face. "Sounds festive!" He sweeps into a low bow. "Amadan volunteers his services for your decoration committee... and his favourite blade." He hands me a vicious looking short sword that appears to be gleaming obsidian. "Just the thing for separating a head from a neck, no?"_

_I smile a vicious smile at him. "Perfect. And I know just the bitch I want to shove this into. Any last advice for taking down a faerie queen?"_

_Amadan raises his eyebrows. "You're launching a full-on assault on the most powerful being in the Realm... she's practically a goddess here. When you're taking on a god, you have to think like a god."_

_I close my eyes and heft the sword in my hand. "There's another way to think?" I whisper._

_When I open my eyes, Amadan is making arcane gestures and creating another portal._

_"This is it, Magpie. I'll use my powers to help you, but it's up to you as the Champion - find the gifts in your blood and uphold your vow." His eyes lose focus. "Your Tiger is almost out of time... go!"_

_I lift my gleaming black sword and step through the portal._

_As I feel myself dissolving, my last thought is *COMING FOR YOU... HOLD ON, TIGER!!*_

 

 

I'm on my back again. She's flipped me over a couple of times now, without moving - one moment I'm on my front, the next on my back, the restraints staying in place - you'd love this trick.

Jim... it seems ages since I've seen you. It feels like I've been here on this bed for days, my skin being removed strip by strip by that ghastly frond. She is silent as she works - she doesn't taunt, doesn't laugh, doesn't pant, just this eerie silence, with no other sound than the lashes, again and again, and my groans. I feel like my entire body is on fire. She was right about pain like I've never felt before... and it's so much worse because it's _not you_. I would have borne this for you, gladly... just to see that ecstatic gleam in your eyes... feel your desire for me...

I'm not looking at her. I do not want to see that gleam in her eyes; a grating parody of your passion.

The lashes stop. I feel her step onto the bed.

No...

 _Jim_...

She touches my cock, trails along it with one finger. It stands up proudly, the bloody traitor.

This is just a physical response, you royal bitch. It does _not_ indicate desire, or consent, or want. I despise you with every fibre of my being. And once I'm out of these restraints, I'm going to kill you, if it's the last thing I do.

 _Jim_... I'm so sorry, Jim... I failed you...

 

 

_It occurs to me as I'm in pieces..._

_this isn't just about being territorial... is it, Jimmy._

_But I don't have time to draw conclusions; I'm coming together and I can't afford a single distraction... I'm stepping through the portal like an avenging fucking angel... Did Amadan *imbue* me somehow... or was it always there, waiting? Irrelevant..._

_Tiger is alive and in one piece._

_The Faerie Queen is standing over an anguished-looking Sebastian with some evil-looking frond, and smiling at me with those *teeth*... this is not a surprise to you, is it, bitch?_

_You *wanted* me here?_

_I'm *here*._

_I sense Amadan slipping through the portal behind me._

_"Your Majesty..." he gives a sweeping bow, then straightens up and bounces the white sphere up and down in his hand._

_When her head abruptly snaps to the side to look at him, I do what Amadan told me to. What do I want? Tiger. *Free Tiger*._

_I watch your restraints shiver and begin to slowly loosen._

_*Oh*... my eyes widen. Cool trick, Amadan..._

 

 

I hear a voice that isn't hers - a male voice - one of her elves distracting her? A moment of respite? I open my eyes -

_JIM-_

My head flies up, sees you - _Jim_ \- you've found me, you've come to save me - my avenging angel - Saint Jimmy coming to slay the Faerie Queen -

You're looking at me, frowning, and - the restraints are trembling, slacking - must be because she's distracted - keep her distracted, Jim -

There's a faerie with you - is that this Lord you were supposed to meet? He looks like he's about fifteen, but that's probably illusion. He's smiling proudly at you. Good - can he help?

The restraints loosen further - a _tiny bit_ more and I'll be able to slip a hand out.

You may be a magic queen, baby, but you bit off more than you can chew when you decided to take on Jim Moriarty... and his avenging Tiger.

 

 

_I have my eye on the queen who's shaking her head at Amadan... but I'm concentrating on Tiger's restraints, and Amadan is whispering ~Later, Magpie! Deal with the queen first!~_

_The queen is smiling widely at the Dark Fool, and making gestures too quick to discern._

_He whips the white sphere at her and there's an explosion of light that nearly blinds me. She disappears before it hits her and then there's a shimmering in the air in the opposite corner of the room._

_~MAGPIE! TAKE HER DOWN FIRST!!~ Amadan shouts and I wince at the noise in my head._

_*Fuck*... I give the restraints a quick yank with my mind and then focus on the form of the queen returning to the room. I grip the sword hilt and prepare to attack as Amadan spins what looks like a large web made of light, and holds it between two hands. It grows larger and larger, and it sounds like the light is singing. The queen looks disdainfully at it, then turn and looks at me with a smile._

 

 

Oh great. I'm tied to a fucking bed in the middle of a magic battle like I'm in fucking World of Warcraft or something. I do not like being the damsel in distress in this bloody faerie tale. I prefer myself as the dashing hero, thank you very much.

The restraints stop shivering. I might be able to get my hand out, but I'll have to be very careful - if I pull I'll only pull the noose tighter. I'll have to slowly manipulate, which is the last thing I want to do when you're attacking a monstrous witch. Thank fuck for my training - I can keep a cool head in battle. I move my wrist and hand _very_ slowly, carefully, concentrating - I have to focus on this, it's no use looking at what Jim is doing, no matter how terrified you are for him, you are no use when you're tied down, you can be a lot of use when you're loose. One millimetre at a time...

 

 

_Fuck, bitch does not look the tiniest bit worried about either of us..._

_What had Amadan told me? Look for the gifts in my blood? All right..._

_A black shadow flings forth from me, and I watch in amazement as it throws the queen back against the wall. I look with amazement at Amadan and he giggles manically. Jesus, that's where I get it from? I roll my eyes and look back at the queen._

_She looks unhurt but furious, and is brushing herself off with a sneering smile._

_I tilt my head and watch as another shadow throws her back. Amadan grins at me and stretches a pulsating web out as wide as his arms. ~Ready, Magpie?~_

 

 

That giggle - that's _your_ giggle, but not your voice. That faerie has the same giggle as you. Fuck - is he your _dad!?_ Have you come here for a family reunion?

I'm willing my hand not to tremble as I move slowly, carefully - don't tighten the noose, Tiger...

Something strikes me as odd. Wait - even though my arms feel like they've been stripped raw after that whipping, they don't _look_ damaged. I assumed all my skin had been flailed off - it certainly feels like it has been - but it looks completely normal, like I've just been lying here having a nap, rather than endured the flogging of my life - and after life with Jim Moriarty, that is saying something. This is weird - so I _feel_ it, but it doesn't show. Does that mean the pain is an illusion? Or is the pristine skin an illusion? Or is it both real, and is this just some other kind of pain, that burns without a trace?

Another millimetre... focus on your wrist, Moran... that's the only thing that matters now. You are not a combatant until you are loose, and you are of no use until you are a combatant, so get yourself loose.

 

 

_We advance together._

_His web goes flying at the same time as a shadow comes rushing out of me - the web surrounds her, trapping the shadow against her. She's thrown against the wall with a loud crash. She screams her displeasure, clawing at the webbing clinging to her, the shadows sliding along her body sparking and sizzling with electricity._

_Of course it's not that easy... she begins to sing and both slide off her in an instant. Amadan and I are both falling back and covering our ears against the pain and enchantment that's trying to climb into us._

 

 

Ouch - I thought _my_ singing was painful. It grates on my ears, but I can't cover them - my muscles tense but I manage to keep them still enough not to fuck up the progress I've made so far.

Ignore and move - ignore and move...

I'm getting there - just a few more millimetres... Don't rush... deep breaths...

 _Got it_.

I slide my right wrist out of its restraint, grab the left wrist, pull it out - loose.

Right, you fucking Faerie wannabe-rapist _bitch_ \- you messed with the _wrong_ Tiger. I jump to my feet, launch myself at her. She only sees me coming in the last moment, lashes out an arm to ward me off, but too late - I manage to knock her over and at least stop that infernal noise. I pull my arm back to punch her, but am thrown across the room by some thin air before I can make contact.

 

 

_The singing, oh *god*... it's crawling inside me, and tearing me apart... now I know why Amadan told me to deal with her first, I just... wanted... I just… needed..._

_Tiger..._

_and the singing stops abruptly._

_Tiger's free!!_ _and that *BITCH* just threw him across the room._

_I'm jumping up painfully, and Amadan is growing a sphere of light as quickly as he can, and *shoom* he throws it at her, and *wssht* my shadow follows, and I'm flying at her, landing on her back but she throws me off and starts *singing* again... and the shadow comes out of me and starts choking me. Oh, FUCK..._

_I don't know if I'm going to make it, Tiger..._

_~Amadan - get him out of here! Then kill her!!~_

_Amadan drags himself across the floor. ~While you sacrifice yourself, dear one? Altruism is a TERRIBLE look for you.~_

_He winces at the sound of her singing and flings his hands out - a portal opens and Keith appears, swishing his tail._

 

 

^-^

Oh great - I am party to this now am I? Boss - you know I'm a lover, not a fighter. However, I have a good many sharp bits, and no love for this shrew - and, well, if the Boss would be defeated, it would look bad on me.

That's some _awful_ caterwauling you got going there, precious.

I purr loudly, battling her frequency with my own, disarming it.

It looks like the Champion has discovered some of his tricks - well done, Champ, but -

~Your strength is in your unpredictability, Jim. You're doing great, but you're fighting in the way you think magic battles are _supposed_ to go. You're the Champion of the Trickster, and you're human - your mind works in ways she can't understand. Use that to your advantage.~

Like Pretty Boy - oh my. Unleashed in all his glory, he is a sight to behold. His eyes shine with fury, his muscles on point, ready to _tear a head off_ \- rawr. If I were human -

\- I'd stay well away from him. I don't think I've ever felt such a strong sense of protectiveness, possessiveness, and outright burning fierce love as is radiating from you now. The queen must be crazy to try to take him away from you - though it's the biggest _fuck you_ she could have given the Boss, short from actually kidnapping you, and that might be a bit more than even she could handle.

Right, you arrogant grimalkin - let's see how you like a full frontal attack with 18 razor-sharp claws.

 

 

Finally the noise stops - well - it's still there, but it's not as disabling any more. I scramble up - _Jim - must protect Jim_ \- and drag myself to your side.

"Took your time, didn't you," I grin.

 

 

_I sit up, my hands clawing at my neck and gasping for breath. I inhale sharply when I see you._

_For one brief moment, all there is in the world is you. I grin and caress your face._

_Then I jump up and my head snaps in the queen's direction. She's stalking towards Amadan, laughing maniacally. The cat is stalking the queen. And me - I'm using my brain like kitty suggested._

_~Amadan! Keith! Enough fucking around. I'm about to distract the bitch... you both do your thing simultaneously to knock her off balance. I'm going to annihilate her mind, darlings. Killing blow is mine and Sebastian's... I'm going in.~_

_I look at Sebastian and think of everything that has transpired because this evil creature thought to take *my Tiger*... including what comes later... grief and fury well up in me, and shadows shoot out in every direction. The walls of the Faerie Queen's secret room crack, and bits and pieces go flying. She throws her arms over her head as jagged rocks come tumbling down over her._

_~GO,~ I shout, and watch as the cat jumps onto her face claws first, and Amadan throws a huge sphere of light he'd been growing behind his back. She screams and throws the cat off her, which means she doesn't avoid the sphere and gets thrown hard against the wall - where I throw out the first thread into her mind._

_I feel her jump in response and look about in fascination._

_"Your Majesty... I have something to show you which I think will be of interest to you..." I purr and start increasing threads..._

_She doesn't seem to know where to look. "What is all this?" she demands. "I've never seen anything like this... I must have it!"_

_"Oh, there's more... so much more... if you let Sebastian go, you can have every bit of it..."_

_"Oh, I think I can have both, don't you?" she giggles and opens her mouth to sing._

_I unroll the fullness of my mind map into her consciousness with a snap, and she seems stunned. I feel her travelling down one thread which branches out into two and then four and splits off at dizzying speeds. Her mouth drops open and she begins to tremble with excitement._

_I heft up my sword and give you a piercing look. You always know exactly what I want from you, Tiger... You stand and stalk towards her with me._

 

 

I don't know what you're doing but it seems to be effective - she is distracted, then dazed, then just delirious. You pick up your sword and look at me -

"Allow me," I growl. Much as I love you killing people, I think I have more of a beef with this monster than you do.

You nod, let me take your blade, stand still, concentrating - doing whatever magic you are doing to her brain. She's drooling now, her pupils the size of her purple irises - the eyes which gleamed so much as she was torturing me - no time to delay, I don't know when she'll be coming out of her enchantment and what havoc she'll wreak - I dive forward, grab her hair, drive the knife into her throat, yank it to the side. Blood spurts out, her body crumples. I let go of her hair and she drops to the floor.

Is she dead? Is this over?

I look at you, my eyes pleading. Is it over, Jim?

 

 

_I look at Amadan and kick the queen in the head. Hard._

_"She's not going to spring back to life is she?" I demand, and kick her again. Her head rolls to one side at an unnatural angle._

_Amadan steps up and takes the sword from you._

_"Enchanted blade," he says, twirling the pointy end on one finger. "So, unlikely. But I'd fulfil your vow, just to be safe... if any of her little subjects want to bring her back, they'll have a much harder time if she's in pieces." He smiles fiercely. "Shall we give them some time, Keith?"_

_I watch as Amadan and Keith walk towards the spinning portal, Amadan dragging the queen's body behind him. "When you're ready to come out... use this to cut open a portal..." he throws the sword at me and I catch the hilt. "We'll have our conversation then... about the past... and the future..." he raises an eyebrow and he and the kitty slip out. The portal closes behind them._

_I turn and face you. For a long moment we stare at each other in shock._

_Then we're throwing ourselves against each other in a mad scramble..._

_We're falling to our knees, seeking out each other's lips..._

_And we're kissing madly like there's no tomorrow..._

 

 

 _JIM_...

_JimJimJimJimJim..._

Oh god Jim... you came... you saved me... Jim...

I'm trembling, shaking as I pull you to me. _Jim_...

I feel like I need to touch you with as much of my body as I can, to feel that you are _really_ here, that you _came_ for me, that you saved me from what they used to call a fate worse than death, that it's over; it's over, she is dead, you killed her - _we_ killed her...

"Jim..." I pant - are those _tears!?_ Surely - never -

"Jim, I'm so sorry..."

 

 

_"Why are *you* sorry? I'm the one who dragged you into all this!" I exclaim tearfully. "Are you alright? Did she hurt you? Tiger, this is all my fault..." A cry wrenches from me, and the next thing I know I'm sobbing into your hair. "Please tell me you're alright..."_

 

 

My brain threatens to frizzle. After all the uncharacteristic things you've been doing the past days - now you are -

Apologetic. Crying. Worried.

Jim?! The man who told me to 'walk it off' after I got shot?

Your tears bring out the protective Tiger in full force. I don't care what I have just been through - Jim - Jim is hurt -

"I'm _fine_..." I say, through tears. "You got here just in time - she-" whipped me, burnt me, made me scream - but it didn't leave any traces, so you need not know - I can ignore the pain, it's insignificant; I have you back, you came to save me, Jim...

"- she was just about to fuck me - you came just in time... just in time... thank you, Jim... thank you for coming to save me... I'm so sorry I let myself be captured..."

 

 

_"Jesus, Sebastian... bitch was a fucking *faerie queen*. What chance did you have against that thing by yourself? I could barely manage to take her down, and I'm - well, I'm still not sure what I am. But I needed help. And you got the killing blow in..." I smile, sniffling. "Bagged yourself a bloody faerie queen, not bad at all... now I have to chop her up into bits before the night is over." I notice your perplexed expression. "It's a vow I made to her when she first took you from me... and she really should have listened..." I say darkly. "I *fucking* told her!!" I shout, and feel the walls reverberate._

_I see you looking at me with concern. "Just some residual killing fury... I could really tear into someone right now..." My eyes meet yours and we stare at each other. Then I draw your face to mine and kiss you possessively._

_"I'm sorry she touched you... I never should have let her touch you..." I say furiously in between kisses. "You're *mine*... you're my *Tiger*..."_

_I draw you down to a sitting position, and straddle your lap as I kiss you._

 

 

" _Yours_... yours, Jim... that's what kept me going. She was - whipping me, thinking she'd have me, and I just - I just thought of you..."

Is this alright? Can I confess this to you?

And - residual killing fury? How do you think I feel?

"Can we - can we join your Lord and the cat, and just - tear her fucking body to shreds, since that seems to be what you said would happen? I'm - I am so _fucking_ furious right now; I want to tear something apart - you know how it feels -"

Also, I want to leave this room - this prison –

 

 

_I look at you and nod. I was hoping to have one last night with you before -_

_but yes, of course you'd want to leave here! And I want to as well, now that I'm thinking about what happened here... and what almost happened. I shiver._

_Maybe we can find a secluded spot after we cut her up. I don't want our last sexual connection to have been with someone else in between us. Someone who... my eyes flash with fury._

_"*Yes*. Let's hack her to fucking bits, darling." I stand, snatch up the sword and whip it through the air in a circle. A portal opens (fuck, that would be so handy in the real world... only... it won't be *my* real world anymore, will it...). I offer you my hand, and pull you up._

_"After you, darling..." I say fiercely, and follow you through._

_Amadan and Keith are in Amadan's cave, and the body is on the ground, covered in glowing symbols. "Just being extra careful..." he says. "Ready? Heads or tails?"_

_"Heads, of course," I say, stepping up to the body, eyes glittering. "Sebastian - would you like to start us off?" I hold the sword out to you._

 

 

I don't need a sword - a primordial killing fury has been awakened in me. I launch myself at the body that has been taunting me, torturing me, driven me to the edge of despair - _you fucking cunt_ -

I roar as I dig my nails into her solar plexus and tear. Those fucking breasts that she thought could seduce me - I punch and there is no substance to them. There is a red fury inside me, and I let it go, let it rage, break skin, tear ribs from one another, beat, punch, tear...

I come to to see a mess in front of me, blood, bones, intestines, muscles, organs broken and scattered...

I bend on my knees, start weeping. I tell myself to shut the fuck up, be a strong soldier, but...

I'm crying and can't stop. I can't ever stop...

 


	7. The King

_I watch first with satisfaction as you start to tear her to bits with your bare hands... satisfaction turns to shock... shock turns to sadness as my big, powerful bodyguard is reduced to a sobbing wreck on the floor of the cave._

_I kneel down next to you, gather you in my arms, and press my face to yours. "She's gone, Sebastian... she can't hurt you anymore... I'm so sorry for what she put you through... what I allowed to happen... you went through this because of me, and - I regret that more than you could ever know..."_

_I kiss your forehead, kiss your bloody hands. "My beautiful Tiger..." I say through teary eyes. My breath hitches and I begin to weep. Shit... *again*??_

 

 

^-^

I look at the boss. ~I think they need some time alone. In a - more pleasant, private environment. Think you can arrange that?~

He winks, nods, and you disappear.

 

 

The surroundings change - again - _fuck's_ sake, what do these people have against doors? - and we are in a cave with some pelts on the floor, a few torches on the walls, no one else around us, the torn body gone - just you and me -

fucking hell Jim, what's been happening -

we appear to both be crying still -

I reach up, pull you close.

"You didn't - she took me, all of a sudden - I had your hand in mine, and suddenly it was her hand, and we were in this cave, and... she wanted me to be her champion - I refused, said I already was your champion, and -"

that I love you –

no -

"she understood that, and said she'd let me go - after she'd had her night with me - and she knew - she knew what we did - what you do -"

what are you _doing_ , Sebastian, shut up - this is not a fucking confessional, shut your mouth, soldier -

but I can't -

"She said she'd give me pain like I'd never experienced before... she seemed to think that that would win me over - and she hurt me..."

oh fucking hell, are you angling for _pity_ now!? Shut up!

"... my entire body hurts - she used this... kind of plant frond, and it bit into my skin like a blade, but it didn't leave marks... but it hurt - more than I've ever felt-"

what are you _doing!?_ This isn't a therapist, it's fucking _Jim!_

I don't know what to do - I want to share with the one who is closest to me, which is you - but it's _you_ , and you are not a fucking _supportive_ person - I should just grit my teeth, bear it - come on Tiger, you're a fucking _soldier_ -

 

 

_I'm... not sure what to do. I'm holding you and listening... You seem to need to tell me what happened, and I want to know, I want to know *everything*... but for some reason you seem resistant, like you're holding back, stopping yourself... like you're talking through a rusty tap, and only letting certain streams of water through, and not others..._

_My brow furrows. I guess - this is weird for us? We don't do this, *ever*. But there's something else we do..._

_"Sebastian..." I say hesitantly. "If I have a nightmare, you always make me feel better. You give me whatever I need. It's not even a question. Well... it seems to me you lived through a nightmare. And... *I* want you to feel better. So let me give you what you need. Say what you need to say... I *want* to know what happened. I *need to know you're OK*"-_

_before I have to leave you –_

_FUCK –_

_"So just... tell me. Whatever you want to say. You have never made me feel judged for what I'm like after a nightmare. You've seen me at my weakest and my worst and always made me feel stronger. So... say whatever you want to say. I'm - I'm *here*..."_

_for as long as I can be, Tiger..._

_My arms tighten around you._

 

 

You're... trying to be understanding, accommodating, and putting me in a situation that I can relate to, where I will feel comfortable with sharing what happened. That's - so very sweet, Jim...

Oh great, bring on the waterworks again...

I hold you close, don't look at your face. It's easier if I just speak into the darkness.

"She seemed to - have some kind of rivalry with your Lord, like she was jealous that he had you, and wanted both to vex him by taking away part of your strength, and get a champion of her own. She seemed to think she could easily seduce me - she didn't understand that I might not want to, really couldn't grasp the idea that I had loyalty to you, but finally was willing to let me go - after she'd had her fun with me.

It seemed to last for hours - I'm not sure. Time is weird here. It hurt - it _fucking_ hurt, Jim..."

Tears drip down again but it's OK, you understand…

"She only whipped me though. She - I think she was about to fuck me when you burst in - talk about the nick of time... But she didn't."

This is important. I am still yours. I haven't been sullied by another's touch.

 

 

_Fury cuts through me and I realize I've been holding my breath. I exhale and blink my tears back angrily._

_"God, I should never have brought you in here... I couldn't protect you from what happened. I just barely got to you in time... I wish I could bring her back to life just to fucking kill the bitch again - slowly - painfully. Use her little frond on *her* in ways she wouldn't expect..." My eyes flash, and I feel the cave rumble under our feet._

_I look into your eyes. "I can't do anything about the pain you experienced... I hope the memory of it will fade with time." I hesitate. I can't say anything yet about my future, can I... you're still in too emotional a state. "I'm glad she didn't do anything more to you... for *your* sake. I would have - felt the same way about you, you know that..."_

_Why would he know that??_

_"Or - you probably don't. But I'm telling you now. I would have felt the same..." I trail off, and kiss you. What's the point of words anyway? I'm not sure what I'm feeling, but it won't matter by tomorrow... I feel wetness in my eyes as my lips move against yours gently._

 

 

Feel? Feel about me? I - we... don't do feel. We don't talk about how we feel about each other, Jim...

But you... do?

You feel? About me?

Look at the guy, he's in tears –

for you –

James Moriarty doesn't cry, ever; only after nightmares... but this was a nightmare, for both of us...

Was it, for you? Were you worried about me? Oh, Jim... I really didn't know you cared so much... it's - fuck, I'd almost say it was worth it, just to see that look on your face... and to feel that kiss... a kiss tasting salty with tears; both our tears, sadness about the separation, about the suffering, relief at the reunion -

"I don't like this place very much, Jim..." I sigh. "So what's going on with you and this Lord? Is he your father or something? Will you have to stay here? Will there be others trying to fight you? How can I protect you against stuff like... this? I'm the biggest, strongest guy in this fucking cave, but a slip of a girl can disable me with her weird tricks... and you seem to be able to do them too?

What the fuck is going _on_ , Jim?"

And can we just - _leave!?_ Go back to the real world, where people try to kill to kill you with guns, and I can shoot them? I really, really prefer that...

 

 

_"My father? Jaisus, I hope not - I think he invited me to a foursome. I know the faerie realm doesn't have the same rules, but - that would take the cake. We're supposed to have a conversation so he can explain a few things, that's why he called me here... but there wasn't time, because of the whole seek and destroy mission. I helped him get rid of the ruling faerie queen like he wanted and..."_

_I stop talking and look at you. My arms are wrapped tightly around your neck, my cheeks are damp with tears. I have no fecking idea what's happening here. I thought I was rescuing you because - no one messes with what belongs to me, Tiger included. Do I have... *feelings* for you? It's inconceivable, but also irrelevant. I can't allow myself to go there..._

_I can't seem to bring myself to remove my arms from around you, though..._

_"I have to help him out with some things, too... Anyway, I'll find out more when we talk, but from what he said, I think we have some blood relation in the distant past, and - he gave me his blood when I was a baby? And it gave me powers? I have no idea what that means, it sounds like madness..."_

_I press my cheek against your hair and breathe you in. God, I would give anything to just be able to leave with you. Go back to the charming B &B that annoyed me so much when we arrived.... and just drink and fuck each other senseless, and then *go home*._

_*I want to go home*..._

_In the distance, I sense Amadan listening. ~You are home, Magpie...~_

_I sigh heavily, and close my eyes._

 

 

It does sound like madness. Fucking hell, Jim... I said I'd follow you to hell and back, but I didn't expect that to be taken _literally_...

I do hope the other faeries have seen they shouldn't fuck with you now you've killed their queen, though.

You sigh, seem burdened... what did this guy ask of you? Whatever it is, I'm staying right beside you, Jim...

Though - will you want me here? Am I not - more a liability to you here than an asset? _Fuck_ \- I _really_ hate this place. I have gone from the deadliest guy in any situation - present company excepted - to the muggle who has to lie back tied to a bed during a mage battle. Will I be your _weak_ point here? Something you need to protect, rather than something that protects you? Should I just - stay outside, manage your affairs for you, wait for you to come back? How long will you stay here? And - don't they say time moves differently in the faerie realm? Will we be coming back like fifty years after we left? Your Empire crumbled, your name but a story?

 _Damn it, Jim..._ You were hard enough work when you were just human.

But he never was quite human to you, was he, Seb? You always thought of him as more than that. Superhuman beauty, a superhuman mind, a superhuman will... You've been worshipping him like a god for years; does it really surprise you that he is one? Or - kind of one, demi-semi-god/faerie/whatever?

... now what?

I pull my face back, look at you. You don't look happy...

"What's wrong, Jim?"

 

 

_I jump at your question. Now? Do I have to tell you now??_

_~If not now, then when, Magpie?~ I hear Amadan call. ~Right before you're crowned, or just after?~_

_~Can't he stay with me for a while??~ I demand._

_~You know time moves differently in the faerie realm. Do you want him to return to the human realm in a few days and find it's 100 years later? I'll be able to create a portal to get him back to roughly the same time as he left, because it's still Bealtaine, and he's been here so briefly. I wouldn't mess around with this, if you really care about him.~ Amadan whispers softly and then retreats._

_I drop my eyes to the cave floor. When I look back, you're staring at me, looking deeply worried. It's only going to get worse, Tiger..._

_I shake my head sadly. I don't think I can pretend everything's OK... how can I pretend??_

_"Oh Jesus, Sebastian... I had to make a deal to get help saving you... and... I can't go back..." I look back to the floor, afraid to meet your gaze._

 

 

...

"What?"

No.

"What do you mean you can't go back!?"

 

 

_"I - agreed to be the new Faerie King?"_

_A strange sensation fills me when I'm waiting for your reaction. I'm... scared??_

 

 

"You - _what!?_ "

Faerie King? Is _that_ why you're here?

You don't look too pleased with the honour...

But...

Stay here.

Stay here. Forever.

Oh god.

Oh god... No... I hate this place...

God... Jim...

My voice is hoarse. "Does that mean - we can't ever go back?"

 

 

_Oh, Jesus Christ... I knew it would be *hard*, but..._

_Fuck... FUCK..._

_"*You* can. I can't..."_

_I look up you, fearfully. "And... and... there's more... You can't stay. It's not allowed. I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do to save you... I needed help..." I trail off._

_No matter what I say, I'm going to sound like I failed..._

_I'm so sorry..._

 

 

...

White noise in my head.

I am standing - I don't remember getting up. I'm backing off, my hands stretched out towards you, but in supplication or to ward you off I can't say.

You're making me leave. You're making me leave you here. Without me.

You're making me go back. Without you.

" _No..._ " I whisper.

"You didn't know what else to do to save me!? I didn't need saving! She'd have had her fun, and I'd have come back - I'd have been _alright!_ I'd have _survived!_ I - can't -"

\- survive without you... I _love_ you...

I fall to my knees, my strength gone.

"No, Jim... I can't..."

 

 

_I pull my hair through my hands. “You didn’t need saving?? Oh, so I was supposed to just let her fuck you?? Against your fucking will! And how do you know she would have let you go; did she seem honourable to you? Or could she have changed her mind at the last second and ripped out your fucking throat!! I’m sorry, I just reacted, I didn’t have time to think it through! Do you think I want to stay here? Do you think I want to send you away??” I choke back a sob. “Everything’s different now, and it’s the worst possible fucking timing!!!”_

 

 

At least you are sad about this too. I guess that will be a comfort, when I die of heartache out there.

"You... don't want to be king of the Fae?"

You shake your head. "Amadan wants me to be."

And you agreed - to save me? That's - almost sweet, but - at what price -

"I - why can't I stay? I can't - I am _yours_ , Jim, you made me _yours_ , you can't just - take that away..."

 

 

_“I think... there are consequences to breaking faerie agreements that neither of us would want to experience...” I say slowly. “I wish - I could think of a way out of it. I’ll try, Sebastian... I’ll ask Amadan if I can be released, but - I think there’s great significance to choosing a sovereign and if it’s not done quickly, it throws the realm into chaos... I think... this is bigger than you or me... or you and me...” I finish in a whisper, and a tear splashes to the floor._

 

 

... bigger than you and me.

Except there's never been a you and me. There has been a you, and a me. And me for you. And that was enough. That was more than enough, for me. Just living with you - being with you - being involved in your work, experiencing your genius, feeling your touch -

That was worth anything. The pain, the heartache, the frustration - it was a laughably insignificant price to pay to be in your presence.

My life was without meaning until I met you. I was just - rebelling, kicking aimlessly, not knowing what I was fighting against -

and then there was you. And I knew what I was fighting for. I knew what I'd been doing all my life - working to become the perfect killing machine, for you. To become the weapon you needed.

And that was _perfect_. You pointed, I punched. You nodded, I killed. The whole world trembled at the mention of our names. Moriarty and Moran.

... and that's ending. You're telling me it's ending.

I've thought about endings before - but they usually involved me getting killed protecting you. And that would have been fine - it's my job.

I've thought about you leaving me - but I worked _so hard_ to make myself indispensable - to be essential in every aspect of your work and your life - and I thought I was doing well. I was closer to you than anyone else. You relied on me more and more. Your chief of staff. Your second in command. Your live-in bodyguard. The one who sleeps in your bed, who holds you after nightmares.

And now this?... a fucking _faerie tale_ takes you away from me?!

I'll beg this Amadan... I'll promise him anything, just to be allowed to stay here, to be your Champion... that's what the cat said, wasn't it?

I'll do _anything_.

Just - don't take me away from you. Please. I can't - you are my life. What can I do - in a world without you?

_Bleak - vacant - vapid_

No.

Please, Jim...

 

 

_I’m watching what seems like a hundred emotions crossing your face, each one more heart-wrenching than the last. Oh *god*... I’m not *meant* to feel things like this. I can’t bear this sorrow, this *guilt*. Part of me wants to retreat emotionally, take cover in detachment, even physically leave... but the thought of the last expression I’d ever see on your face as I went..._

_tears are streaming down my face freely now._

_“I’m sorry,” I whisper brokenly. “I didn’t know it would turn out like this... I got it wrong, somehow... miscalculated... something. Sebastian... I know I’m not a good person, but... I tried.”_

 

 

Oh god Jim - don't -

I move towards you, put my arms around you, and then we're both sobbing. I pull you close towards me, aware that this may be the last time - _NO_ \- no, that can't happen - never...

"Jim... You're brilliant... you're... maybe not a _good_ person as far as morality is concerned... but you are the best man I've ever met. You're - more than normal humans, and - I guess now I know why.

I - I can't - I could never go back from that. You are my life, Jim... My entire being is defined by being yours. Sending me back, without you, would be - just sending an empty shell back. A damaged body, without content. I can't - please don't make me go through that. I'll do anything to stay with you. I'll be your - defender against physical threats. Even the Faerie King can use a bodyguard, right? I'll... stay here forever if that's what it takes to be with you. Just - don't send me away."

 

 

_Well... here’s something I never could have imagined happening in a billion trillion years... the end of my grand adventure finds me and Sebastian weeping into each other’s arms like some criminal psychopath version of Romeo and Juliet. If I told you this, I’m sure you’d have the perfect snarky response and you’d tell me *I* was fucking Juliet. Only at this moment I can’t picture you cracking jokes, or being a sarcastic shit, or a cocky fucker or *any* of my favourite things you do... ever again. I think... I broke my Tiger... and that’s the absolute worst thing about this mess that I’ve got us into..._

_“It’s not *me* doing anything!! I don’t want to send you away any more than I want to stay here without you! I don’t know if it will do any good, Seb... but we can talk to Amadan and see how it goes...” I wipe away the tears from your face. “And we need to find you some clothes...” I laugh, despite my heart feeling like it’s cracking in a hundred different places at once. I really don’t think it will help... but I have to try._

 

 

I look at the pile of pelts on the floor. There's a deerskin that can be draped around my hips - makes me more dressed than half the people out there. My skin still feels raw, but it's insignificant compared to my flayed soul.

Come on Sebastian... You're a grown man, a soldier, you aren't destroyed by a breakup, surely?

... yeah. Nice try. Except this isn't a breakup, this is taking my whole reason for living. I always loved those old stories where knights pledged themselves to their king, lived their entire existence in troth to their sovereign. That's what it's like for me with you - or something like a martyr with their god.

I'm not some spurned lover. I won't have a life after you.

You frown for a moment, and a portal opens to the cave where Amadan is sprawled on his throne, Keith perched on the back.

"Lord Amadan... we haven't really been introduced, I fear," I start. Best be polite, if I want to ingratiate myself. "My name is Sebastian, and I am your Champion's Champion. I belong to him, and I would beseech you not to be separated from him."

The faerie's face is inscrutable. Keith starts washing a foot.

"Nice to meet you, Tiger."

Your name for me - it grates coming out of his mouth.

"I'm afraid that will not be possible... I'm sorry, Magpie... I know you are fond of him, but we have to get him back today or tomorrow, if we want to get him back roughly when you two entered the mound. If we wait longer... time moves differently here, and it could be a hundred years in the future. Everyone he knows would be dead..."

 _Everyone I care about knowing is HERE, you twat_... Also, stop talking about me like I'm not here.

You - don't regard me as fully sentient, do you? Like a pet Jim is fond of, but which has to be sent to live on a farm for its own good.

"I don't care about anyone out in the world. I want to remain with my Lord. If that means I will never leave the Mound, so be it."

Now he does look at me, and the look on his face could be pity.

"You wouldn't last two months... Humans can't stay in the Fae realm more than a week or two, at the most. After that... you slowly start to... disappear."

I look at you, desperate.

"You... said I could visit the human realm," you say slowly. "But - does the time thing mean I could only visit once a century?"

"It doesn't work that way for you," he replies. "You're not fully human. You could go and visit - but not often, and not long, lest time _here_ move too fast while you are away, and the realm get into trouble when you’re not here.”

So… that’s it? I’m stuck outside, desperately waiting for your occasional short visit? Keeping your Empire alive – for what?

Would I not rather just… disappear here?

A strangled sound makes its way from my throat.

 

 

_My arms tighten around you, as I stare at Amadan._

_"You're a powerful being... in fact, I sense you're the real power here, regardless of who sits on the throne..." I say, eyes narrowing. "Isn't there anything you can do? So Seb can stay without fading, or so I can visit for longer periods?"_

_Amadan sighs. "Powerful beings don't get to change the very fabric of reality and existence, even in the faerie realm. I'm sorry, Magpie... I have rather important things I need to tend to now... stopping the former queen's supporters from carrying out their plots of vengeance... stamping out coups that are already forming... organizing a coronation *and* a wedding... I'm simply beside myself! And none of the centrepieces turned out, and the cake is a mess, and now I have to oversee all that as well. A dark fool's work is never done! Come, Keith my dear- let's give these two some time alone..."_

_Despite his cocky demeanour, he looks at me with concern as he shimmers through the portal._

_I turn to you in a daze. "Oh god, Sebbie... I wish we'd never come here... I'm *such an eedjit*. 'Oh, let's listen to the talking cat and have an adventure!' FUCK!!"_

_I spring up and start punching a wall, screaming._

 

 

"Jim -" I get up, take your wrists. I'm still here. I can still stop you from getting hurt. Physically, at least.

"Jim..."

There was a word. A terrible word.

"It was not your fault. He'd have got you here some way or another. You couldn't know..."

I turn you around, hold you against my chest.

The word.

The word keeps stabbing through my mind.

"Jim... what did he mean, coronation and wedding? Who's getting married?"

 

 

_I cover my face with my hands. "It's so fucked up, it's all *so fucked up*!!! Amadan said... he said... there needs to be a consort, I guess somehow it makes the sovereign stronger, and less vulnerable to attack, which is important because I'm mostly human, and - and - it can't be another human, I did ask, you have to believe me, I did - I didn't want this, Sebastian... I didn't want it!!" I sob into your chest. My hands curl against you, and I watch in a teary daze as blood drips from my knuckles onto your chest._

 

 

...

you're getting married.

you.

Jim Moriarty.

Yes, because it's not a _fucking_ faerie tale without a _fucking_ faerie tale wedding at the end, is it!?

I... fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. _FUCK!!!_

I roar, bash the fucking wall of this cave, this prison, this _hell_ \- which they're going to _ban_ me from, so you can stay and get _married_...

 

 

_I watch with my mouth covered and tears streaming down my face as it's your turn to pound on the cave walls... I feel completely numb._

_Fuck..._

_I approach you slowly. I'm liable to get a fist in the face if I surprise you._

_Fuck it. Punch me senseless. Maybe if I'm too bashed up, I won't have to go through with this because I won't be pretty enough._

_I place a hand on your shoulder and try to pull you back._

_"Sebastian, stop... STOP!" I shout. "It's not like a human marriage, you know what faeries are like! It's a political alliance, nothing more. When I visit you we can still..."_

_that is cold comfort and I know it. My face crumples. "Oh god, just hit me! This is all my fault! I fucked up and you're suffering because of me! I WANT you to, HIT ME! Make the pain stop, *make it stop*!!" I howl, and fall to my knees. I roll into a ball on the ground and sob._

 

 

"We can still fuck!? _When_ you come and visit, once in a while? How often, Jim!? How many pity fucks will I get between now and the end of my life? A quickie before you go back to the wife, and I'm left waiting until the next time you can get away?"

You're a sobbing ball on the floor of the cave, and there is the briefest impulse to kick you, to make you suffer, like you are making me suffer -

 _Never_...

Jim...

I deflate, sink down beside you.

"I can't hit you, you stupid twat... and I can't make the pain stop... I would if I could.

God, Jim, we've really landed ourselves in it now, haven't we... I mean, I thought Bangkok was bad, but fucking Connemara..."

I pull you up, lean you against me, kiss your hair, smelling of that product you use...

How are you going to get hair product here, Jim? And your espresso... Your suits... You're not going to wear fucking _skins_ , are you?

"Are you going to make all these faeries wear Westwood? Get some _style_ into the place?" I smile through my tears.

 

 

_You're yelling at me while I weep on the ground, and I'm in shock, but OK, I deserve it..._

_I deserve a hell of a lot more..._

_but you're so good to me; you always have been, and soon you're comforting me as always. Oh Jesus, Sebastian... how have I never seen before everything you do for me? Everything you are to me..._

_Now you're cracking a joke to make me smile like only you can, and I'm laughing like a wounded seal as I'm crying._

_Oh fuck... *FUCK*._

_I know why this is so hard, so impossibly hard..._

_Oh god... I love you..._

_*I fucking love you, Sebastian*..._

_And I can never tell you because I think it would make us both shatter into a million pieces and... I've already fucked up both of our lives as it is. I can't make it fucking worse; I can't do that to you..._

_I rest my head against your shoulder. "I'll need to abduct all the best designers and bring them underground... " I say through my tears. "Someone's got to teach these faerie fuckers how to work it..."_

_I give a shivering sigh and nestle into your neck. "I'm sorry I cocked everything up... I did a fucking spectacular job, didn't I... Do you hate me, Sebastian?" My chin trembles and I close my eyes._

 

 

Oh god - Jim - no - please -

"I could never hate you... you did what you did to save me. You... sacrificed yourself to save me..." Are the tears starting up again or have they been continuously falling?

I've been thinking of _myself_ , like some selfish bastard, instead of what this means to _you_ \- you will be stuck here, imprisoned on a throne you don't want, in this hellishly weird place, possibly under attack from others who do want it, made to rule some alien underground kingdom - you're used to ruling an _Empire_ , for fuck's sake - forced into a political marriage -

\- and then it strikes me. What you said before. I was so angry that I glossed over it, but -

you asked.

You asked if you could marry *me*.

If *I* could be your consort.

It's not the most romantic of proposals - 'Hey, I have to get married, so I guess you're the least-bad option', but...

"You wanted to marry me. You asked Amadan if I could be your consort."

 

 

_My heart starts to pound. I don't raise my head. How I can hide what I'm feeling if I look at you._

_I inhale shakily. "Of course I did, silly Tigger... who else would I want to spend the rest of my life with?"_

_The words fall like bombs. I feel them going off, exploding through every defence, every facade I've ever constructed to keep the world out, including you. *Especially* you..._

_Shit... ShitShitShit..._

_I can't just sit here with my head on your shoulder for our last hours together. It's time to face the music, no matter how heart-breaking it is._

_"*Of course* I'd want to spend my life with the one I love..."_

_Oh god... the biggest bomb of all just smashed through *everything*. Nothing left to hide behind, nothing left to hide..._

_I look up at you. "Not the best timing, but it turns out Jim Moriarty isn't always the sharpest knife in the drawer. I love you, Sebbie."_

_I touch your cheek with my hand._

_"I will never stop loving you...my Tiger..." I whisper._

 

 

...

No.

_No._

" _NO!!!_ " I scream.

"No. No. No. No. No. No." I shake my head. No, Jim - not this - not now -

The words I wanted to hear most in the world. The words I knew I would never hear. That you were incapable of saying. Incapable of feeling.

And you give me this - _now!?_ The day before I'm sent away from you!?

No.

This is not happening.

 _NO_ –

" _NO FUCKING WAY! AMADAN!!!_ ”

I tear around the cave, bash against the walls, bang on his throne. "Amadan! Get your fucking elven arse in here! You are NOT doing this! Amadan!! AMADAAAAANN!!!"

 

 

_My eyes widen from where I sprawl on the cave floor. You totally just dumped me from your lap when you sprang up, but it hardly seems like the time to get snippy about that. Jesus, Tiger... I've thrown some epic fits of rage before, but I've never seen anything like this from you._

_It's so fucking beautiful... it's so fucking hot..._

_I hear a sigh in my mind._

_~Are we having some difficulties with our human companion? I'm a little busy, Magpie… I just squashed a rebellion, and now I've learned that the wedding cake has white frosting instead of black! I could not have been more clear...~_

_"Amadan!" I shout. "I do NOT give a flying fuck about the cake, get in here now!!"_

_There's a shimmer in the air, and Amadan appears before me, arms crossed. "Language, my dear... what is so important that it couldn't wait? I have a goblin pastry chef to take to task, and their union is nigh *impossible* to deal with... why are you on the ground, Magpie?"_

_"Goblin pastry chef union..." I repeat in disbelief as I stand up. Fury is pouring through me._

_"What?" Amadan looks perplexed. "Wherever did you get that? It's a pastry chef union, and the goblins are the ones running the show... you're going to have to learn these things, Magpie, and quickly. Or every banquet you throw, the sweets tables will be disastrous - the goblins will see to that!"_

_"Amadan - enough with goblins and their fecking cakes!" I shout. "Tiger has something to say to you..."_

_Amadan sighs._

_"Amadan the Dark Fool has been summoned for a meeting with a human. What a whimsical day! Please, Sebastian - I'm all ears. I can't wait to hear what you have to say..."_

 

 

I jump in front of him - I know better than to lay a hand on him, though there's nothing I want more at this moment. I look into his eyes - I have to bend, he's tiny, but then so was the queen. I know I can't grab him and break his neck. I _know_ I can't.

He's looking at me, bored, somehow managing to convey rolling his eyes without actually moving - _so like you_ -

"Amadan. I don't care what you are playing at. I don't know what you want for this place. But you can't have Jim. Alright? You can't. He loves me, I love him, and I _know_ you guys don't do that, but it's the most important thing in the motherfucking world and he is my life and I will _not_ let him go! We belong together! It's a package deal! You can't take him away from me!

He's human! He belongs in the human world! Look at him!! He doesn't _want_ to be here - he's a powerful King _outside_ this realm - he's got half the fucking human world in his pocket! He doesn't want to rule some mound!"

As I'm speaking; well, shouting, crying; I remember why I usually leave the speeches to you. I tend to say what I think, and people tend to not appreciate that. Amadan is looking at me, not moving, his eyebrows rising, his mouth almost smirking.

"Is this mound not good enough for you, Sebastian? Don't you _like_ it?" He moves his face closer to mine, his eyes twirling - twirling -

"I guess now is a good time to leave, then..."

The world goes black. I feel like I'm falling -

With a start, I'm in the grass outside the mound. It's wet - it's been raining - but the sun is setting in a clear sky. Birds are singing. I turn around, launch myself at the mound, but the tunnel that Keith led us into is gone.

 

 

_I stare at the spot where Sebastian disappeared from, with my mouth hanging open._

_"What. The FUCK. Amadan. What DID YOU DO."_

_Amadan sighs and flaps his hand elegantly. "He's just outside, and you'll be able to see him soon - *after* the coronation. I'll send Keith out to let him know to wait there. But I don't have time for his histrionics - or yours."_

_"You don't have time for my histrionics," I repeat, livid. "Are you sure? Because you sure as fuck gave me something to get *hysterical* about."_

_Amadan seems to grow in size suddenly, and there's the feeling of wings flapping furiously in my face. "Enough! Do you understand what a sensitive time this is, Magpie? I was NOT being dramatic, I have been keeping rebel forces at bay! I didn't leave it for you to deal with because I knew your head was elsewhere... but you *will* have to deal with it, and you need to start now. You know as well as I do that faerie sovereigns are not infallible... I'll protect you as best I can but I can't fight all your battles for you. You and Aconite will have to join forces to stand strong and rule the Realm. We not only have internal threats to worry about, but our ancient enemies the Seelie Court. If they sense that our Court is about to fall apart, they WILL jump on our weakness. So this is *not* the time to be flouncing about like a lovelorn adolescent - I chose you to rule because of your remarkable mind and will, despite your human ancestry... So much rests on you keeping the Realm together. Now. Remember our agreement... and remember how you don't break your vows..."_

_Amadan stares hard at me, his energy pursing around him like dark wings. His will is pouring out of him, *unrelenting*... It reminds me of... me._

_Fuck._

_What do I do?? Demand to see Sebastian before the coronation? What if Amadan is right and there's an imminent attack I need to be prepared for? Why is it so hard to *think*? I should know my mind better than this, why do I feel so confused??_

_"I need a moment to talk with Keith..." I say through gritted teeth._

_"Keith? Of course... you two have a nice chat," he said absently. "I have some last-minute details to sort out for your special day. But Magpie, don't fool yourself into thinking it will go well if you try to outmanoeuvre me. I feel strong affection for you and I always will - but my first duty is to protect the Realm. Don't try me, dear one..." He kisses me on the lips, grins fiercely and disappears._

_I fall against the wall and slide down. I blink back tears furiously. Why why why is this happening? Why can't I fix this?? I'm about to become a goddamn king and I have never felt so ineffectual..._

_I want my Tiger..._

_*I need my Tiger*..._

_Through blurry eyes, I see a small cat approaching me with a swishing tail._

 

 

^-^

~Damn, Champ, you look like shit. I’m sorry about your Tiger, mate - but he’ll be alright... he’s just outside, not even a day after you came in.~

 

 

_I scramble to get up. "Keith! Take me to Sebastian right now!! I need to see him!!"_

 

 

^-^

~... yeah... disobeying the Boss is _not_ in my contract, Champ. Sorry. Hummingbirds.~

"What?"

~You know how you threaten to make people who disobey you into shoes?~

"... oh."

You look so terribly dejected...

I wonder...

Oh no I won't. I'm not getting involved. Nuh-uh. I am _not_ an altruist. Just a kitty who obeys orders and tries to have fun.

Not getting involved with _human_ affairs.

Can't be arsed.

Oh for fuck's sake, Champ...

Don't do the sad kitten look...

~Look. I'll go and talk to him, like the Boss said. I'll give him a message for you, if you want. And - could I just - could you bring your face here, please?~

"What?"

~Your face. Let me sniff it.~

You bend down, I sniff your tears, lick one off your cheek.

... right.

 _Not_ getting involved...

 

 

I throw myself at the mound over and over again, shouting, roaring, screaming. I systematically search every square foot of it, trying to find an entrance - anything... But it was _right here_ , just beside the bush underneath which we left our clothes, and it's not there...

I'm clutching your boots, crying at the familiar smell of your feet, my tears splashing on the leather. _Jim_...

You love me.

You said you love me.

I had never dared think, never dared hope, never thought it was possible, not you...

And now you told me, just before you are torn away from me forever...

I howl my anguish into the night, attack the mound again.

"Amadan! Let me back in, you fucking faerie tyrant! Give me back my Jim! I'm going to get a fucking bulldozer and destroy your entire fucking mound so there will be nothing left to rule! Amadannnn!!! Come out and fight like a man, you fucking twat!"

The sight of a light coming on in the distance reminds me that I'm in the actual human world, a naked man in a deerskin howling at a hillock. I sigh, put on my clothes - it's getting chilly - and break down crying on my knees, my tears falling into the grass.

 

 

_I sit on the ground to look the kitty in the eyes. "Promise me you'll go right now, and this isn't some faerie trick..." I plead. "Tell him I'll come out *as soon* as I can... but if too much time passes and he has to go back to the B &B, then I'll make my way there. And tell him... "_

_Shit, what message can I possibly give him?! If I say something romantic, I give him false hope. If I say something tragic, that makes it even worse for him! "Tell him... I'll have more power as a King, and I will fucking figure something out. And I know that's the lamest message ever for a criminal mastermind, but I have to figure out the new rules before I can break them." I stop to think. Accurate. Not making false promises. It'll have to do..._

_The kitty purrs in response, and bumps my head with his. (Aww...) Then in a flash he's gone, and I'm sitting on the cave floor - *Tigerless*._

_But I'm not going to cry..._

_If I have to fucking get crowned, and put a ring on a faerie I just spit-roasted with you, So Be Fucking It._

_The crown will give me power._

_Aconite may not know it yet, but he will give me fucking power._

_And I *will* see you again - before Bealtaine ends. I take the obsidian blade and slash my palm, and speak my vow._

_See you soon, my Tiger..._

_Now... to find out more about just what I'm capable of in this place..._

_"*Amadan*!" I shout, and the walls shake. "I'm ready for our conversation now..."_

 

 

^-^

Yeah I'll just gloss over the fact that you just told me you'll break the Boss's rules. Besides, he is all about breaking rules... as long as everyone does as he wants.

I exit the mound, to find Pretty Boy weeping on the grass. He looks up as he sees me move towards him, eyes large with hope.

Oh for fuck's sake... Don't look at me like that. I'm only a messenger.

"Keith! Is that you? Where is Jim?"

~He's fine, Tiger. He sent me to talk to you. I think you should be able to hear me now - can you?~

"Yes! Yes, I hear you. Where is Jim?"

~Look, Tiger -~

Oh come on, don't look at me like that...

Oh for _fuck's_ sake. You're a sop, Keith. Two mournful blue eyes and you're putty.

~He is _fine_. He is very sad that you are gone, but he's fine. He said to tell you he'll have more power as a king, and he'll work something out.

Look. Tiger. You're cold and you haven't eaten anything in ages. Go back to the car, there's an inn just up the road, get some hot food inside you. I won't be back for a few hours, but when I do, I'll do my very best to bring Jim with me. I think it'll be four, five hours, so you have plenty of time to get some food and warm up. OK? I promise, Tiger, I'll do my best to help...~

"Just - please. Please bring him to me..."

~Tiger? Come over here a sec. Let me smell your face.~

"My face?"

~Yes. I promise it's fine. I mean you well. Us cats have to stick together, right?~

He bends over, and I lick up one of his tears.

Yeah...

Yeah definitely.

Oh the Boss is _not_ going to like this.

You can still back off Keith. No one has to know.

But _look_ at his poor little face! He looks like a lost kitten!

You're ailuromorphizing.

Anyway, if it's true, then the Boss _should_ know, right?

I sigh. I'm too nice for my own good.

~Tiger. Get some food. Be back here in four hours. I'll see what I can do.~

"Yeah. OK. Please - please tell Jim that - I love him...

I'm not mad at him. None of this is his fault. And I'll... I'll happily wait for him here, outside. And... I want him to be happy, and well. That's what I want most of all.

Can you tell him that?"

Break my heart, why don't you...

~I will, Tiger. You take care. See you soon.~

I rub my scent glands against his trousers, then make my way back into the mound. I go through the main tunnel for a bit, then turn a sharp left, go spiralling down.

A long way down...

 


	8. The Tiger

_Amadan shimmers onto his throne, resting his chin on his hand. It's no coincidence that's where he appears._

_*Yes*, you're the real power here... that's crystal fucking clear._

_But however much I respect you, don't count me out yet, my darling patron..._

_"Do you promise that I'll see Sebastian immediately after the coronation, in the same 24-hour period of Bealtaine, in the human world?" I demand._

_Amadan gives me a lazy smile. "Ah... Magpie learns quick. Yes, my sweet... you have my word; no faerie tricks. I hope you know I'm not trying to be cruel, dear one..."_

_I wave my hand. "Yes, yes. More important things to consider, you made that very clear. I want to know what you were going to tell me - why you called me here. I don't want to take the throne without understanding who I am and how I came to be connected to the faerie realm. I need all the data, Amadan..."_

_He chuckles. "Of course you do... now there's the Magpie I know and love! I don't have much time before the ceremonies, but here's the nutshell version! A long, long time ago came the first faerie-human hybrids... born of faeries sleeping with humans, and leaving their offspring in the human realm. It's very rare for faeries to procreate; we mostly just shimmer into existence. So it's rather irresistible for some to see their genetic material take new forms. I plead guilty to this temptation..." he touches his chest with his hand, looking sorrowful, then winking. "… more times than were documented by the faerie elders! Oh, this made them kick up a fuss! But - the Dark Fool is a law unto himself._

_So his descendants were scattered over the earth over the millennia... And each one was monitored from birth for the signs... the signs that they could act as his agent in the world. The more prone to madness, the better, yes - because these agents were sources of the most delightful mayhem and chaos in the world._

_The human world can be so base, and so *dull*... they *need* magic provided by my offspring in order to feel fully alive, to keep from *destroying* the world. And that's where my descendants came in... those that were chosen as my Champions received my patronage and my protection... but you, Magpie - *you* -" he shivers with delight. "What a joy *you* were from the beginning... and when I saw your potential threads, I knew your life would be one of great pain and trauma. I could not interfere to keep these things from unfolding, as this is a universal law not even I am capable of breaking... but I helped as I could, and bent the rules when possible. You could see me as your faerie godmother... or godfather, and yes, the mafia undertones would not be inaccurate," he chuckles. "We are Unseelie blood, after all... Now, when I saw your potential, and I saw what difficulties you would face in your life, I did something I rarely do. I brought you into the faerie realm at key times of the year when you were very small... and I undertook rituals to imbue you with my blood. To give you the strength you needed to survive unspeakable circumstances. This happened to enhance your natural abilities, but that only helped you with your aspirations so no harm done there!" He jumps up on his throne with excitement and starts to juggle spheres of light._

_"THIS is why you can rule as faerie king even though you were born into the human world. You are the closest thing to an heir apparent I've ever had... I'm *so* proud of you, Magpie... of all my descendants, there's no one else I would have placed on the throne. Together, we will be an unstoppable force in the Realm!" He throws the spheres in the air in rapid succession and they explode into fireworks._

_As I watch the lights on the cave ceiling with wonder, I think about everything I've learned. "Is this why I have powers here? How can I strengthen my position as a sovereign, given that I'm still human? Will my powers increase in strength? Will there be new ones added?" I demand. I do have an ulterior motive, but I must admit this is a fascinating topic to me... just what am I capable of here?_

_"Tell me everything, Amadan... I need to know..." I say, my eyes gleaming hungrily._

 

 

The cat is right - I haven't eaten since - I can't even remember. And I am getting cold.

"I hate to leave you, Jim, but I'll be back soon, alright? I love you..."

I walk back to the car, check on my phone what day it is. 30 April - so the evening of the morning we went into the mound. Jim... fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I bash the dashboard.

Get it together, Moran. Keith promised he'd try to get you to see him tonight, and you need to look - at least semi-functional. The last thing he needs when he's stuck on a fucking throne trying to make sense of an entirely new gameboard is to be worrying about the man he loves...

... and that sets off a new bout of weeping.

Best get it over with now, I guess...

I put your phone in my jacket, not looking at its tiger background. I force myself to not open my photo album and stare at pictures of you. Basics first, soldier. Food. Water. Warmth.

I start the car, drive back to the main road. There was a place a few miles back, I think...

I find an inn which is reasonably quiet and still does food if I'm a guest - well, I guess I am now. I rent a room which I don't need to see, thanks, and order a big dinner - the smell of food makes me ravenous - and a pint. I take the beer to a quiet corner table, and put my head in my hands. Fucking hell.

It's so weird to be here, in this normal pub, with a normal beer, all so mundane and _human_ ; when an hour ago I was still inside a fucking Faerie Mound having a fight with a God about who would get to be Fae King. I look around. If this were a story, right now would be a good time for some gnarled old man to come up to me and tell me a wise tale in a nigh incomprehensible accent that somehow would explain how to defeat the Fae. Unfortunately, the only one who comes up to me is the waitress who brings me my steak and asks in perfect English if I'd like any sauces. I ask for ketchup and another pint, and dig in.

 

 

_Amadan chuckles. "Yes; With time and practice; Yes; To be determined! Don't think to outfox me, little one. I have been scheming and plotting since before the dawn of humanity... in one form or another," he winks at me and vanishes. When he reappears in front of me, I have to steel myself not to jump - but he smiles knowingly at me._

_"The coronation will be soon, dear heart... I have selected a beautiful outfit for you." He waves his hand and a stunning ensemble appears hanging from the cave wall. It looks like something a warrior prince would wear, all black armoured leather, a luxurious black fur cloak with ermine trim, and silver embellishments._

_"Is there anything you need?" he inquires. "Besides an audience with a certain human, you have but to ask..."_

_"Perhaps... an audience with my betrothed, then..." I muse, running my hands over the fur cloak._

_He observes me closely. "Oh? I didn't think you were interested..."_

_"Considering my only interaction thus far has been to order him to his knees, fuck his arse, and threaten him if he didn't disappear... it might help with the transition from party favour to Consort, no?" I ask idly._

_Amadan bursts out laughing and touches my cheek. "The poisoned apple doesn't fall too far..." he beams at me. "As you wish. Enjoy getting reacquainted... I'll be back shortly to escort you to the coronation."_

_He vanishes and a moment later, the red-haired faerie turns the corner and stalks into the throne room, his violet eyes fixed on me._

_"Husband-To-Be..." he bows deeply with flourish. "How wonderful to have this moment together before our wedding..."_

_"Prince Aconite... delightful to see you again," I say, smiling fiercely. "What are the odds that you know a way out of this betrothal?"_

_His hands flutter to his chest. "Surely you jest! Have I done something to displease my future King?"_

_I make an impatient face. "You have beauty and skills to pleasure beyond measure... well you know it! But this means *nothing* to me - I only want Sebastian! Will you help me? Or are you going to go running to Amadan?" I ask in a dangerous, silky voice._

_"I would not betray secrets of my future king and husband," he says with cunning eyes. "Sadly I know of no way out of such an arrangement, but of course I shall think *long and hard* about how I may ease your burden... sovereignty is a heavy responsibility, and I am honoured to shoulder this with you... any way I can..."_

_I sigh heavily. "I'm afraid it's going to be a rather disappointing marriage for you, as I sink into a deep, crippling depression. Run along now, dearest... see you at the coronation!"_

_Aconite gives me a distinctly lupine smile, and quickly leaves the room._

_Hope he thinks of something... you're running out of options, Jimmy..._

_With a heavy heart, I begin to dress._

 

 

I decide against a third pint - I will need a very clear head to not just fall at your feet weeping when I see you. I check my phone - wipe my thumb softly over my own background of a magpie in a crown - an hour and a half have passed.

It's not raining, and I'm just going to drive myself crazy - might as well do that at the mound. I know Keith said four hours, but what do cats know of time?

I pay, take the key with me - it's closer than Clifden; if you have enough time we may be able to go over here for a bit.

It's a clear night - many more stars here than in London. A full moon would be fitting, I guess - and help me see any entrances or cats appear. Unfortunately, there’s no moon to be seen.

I get back to the car, drive down the road near the mound, get out and walk there. Nothing. No ominous dancing lights, shimmering air, faint sounds of tinkling bells, or anything else you read in fairy tales.

I sigh, put your jacket on the ground, sit down on it, try to get myself into sentry mode. No thoughts. No distractions. Just alert stillness.

 

 

_Amadan appears as I'm finishing getting dressed. His eyes light up when he sees me. He fusses with my already perfect clothing, and affixes a gleaming silver chain over my chest. How fitting, I think, aghast - considering how imprisoned I feel in this realm. But once I am King, I'll be able to leave the mound... so I can see Sebastian again._

_My eyes are closed, and I'm trembling._

_When I open them again, I see Amadan observing me with deep caring._

_"The Dark Fool does not do apology, Magpie... but know this. If I've had one regret in my existence, it's that on this occasion, I have caused you sorrow instead of easing your burden. When you are King, you will receive more of my blood... this will make you more fey, and you will not be as affected by these human emotions."_

_My heart begins to pound. "I've barely been affected by human emotions all this time, and when I'm finally feeling something for someone, you want to take it away??" I ask in horror. No. You're not touching my feelings for Sebastian... *you can't have that*._

_I swallow hard. Do *not* show your panic, Jimmy... Do *not* show your resistance... I have to be able to leave this mound when I receive the blasted crown..._

_I just need to see him *one more time*... while I'm still *me*... While we're still *Jim and Sebastian*... before I become more fey, before Seb grows tired of waiting for me and finds someone *human* to be with, before he grows old and *dies*, while I watch from my throne under the earth..._

_forever young..._

_forever alone..._

_forever grieving my lost Tiger..._

_My nails cut deeply into my palms, to keep the howling and wild sobbing I feel in my chest and throat from breaking free._

_One more time - please..._

_Brow furrowed, Amadan touches my face and I jump. "Perhaps we should do this now... You look agitated, my dear..."_

_*NO FUCKING WAY*._

_"I'll be fine, Amadan..." I say, my voice steady. "I'm ready to face my destiny..." I nod at him, smiling._

_He beams at me. "Magpie... mark my words. You will be a splendiferous King..." He claps his hands and a sudden flurry of black birds fills the room. "It's time, my dear..." He offers an arm to me and I take it, my heart plummeting. We begin to walk towards the shimmering portal, and the birds stream through before us._

_I step through, feeling like I'm being escorted to the gallows..._

_and I emerge into a huge cavern with two thrones._

_There are black furs leading to the throne, and black roses strewn on either side._

_There are flaming torches everywhere._

_Faeries and creatures of all kinds are sitting and when they see us they leap up, cheering._

_I can't help but notice the goblin pastry chefs at the sweet tables have disdainful expressions on their faces. I cut my eyes at them as I pass, and then all I notice is the gleaming black crown resting on a crimson satin pillow which hovers over the throne._

_Heavy is the head that wears the crown, I hear in my mind as I advance towards the throne._

_And then all that remains in my head is a mantra, a prayer, a plea..._

_Tiger... my Tiger..._

 

 

^-^

The good thing about cats is we know how to make an entrance.

The bad thing about cats is that we are often too small to be noticed when we're making an entrance.

Being a black cat on a black fur carpet is not really helping either.

Fortunately, I can meow loud enough to wake the dead.

Faces turn towards me. Most don't see me, but they do notice the figure walking behind me. Excited whispers start.

~My Lord Amadan! I think there might be something you need to take into consideration before you proceed.~

His eyes shoot fire. ~What do you think you're playing at, Keith?!~ Two black hummingbirds manifest close to me and dance around my head. I swallow.

~I am awfully sorry Boss, but I do have a strong suspicion you might not have all the facts.~

The figure behind me clears her throat. A hush falls over the cave.

Her name is, and has always been, Elder. She is rarely seen these days – she prefers to spend her time communing with the rocks and the roots rather than deal with the buzz and clatter of the Mound. She is older than the trees, younger than the rocks, and her large head is filled with the history and lore of the ages. The bards and storytellers spend years with her deep in the Earth to perfect their craft.

She is not as ancient as the Dark Fool – no one is – but she has his ear like no one else has.

“When Ma created the world, it was green and lush and magnificent,” she starts. Her voice, though not loud, has no trouble reaching even the farthest corners of the cave. “And she populated the earth with the burrowing animals, and the sky with the singing birds, and the sea with the shining fish, and the forests and meadows with running, leaping, and gliding creatures. And she looked at her land, and marvelled at her beauty, and she was pleased; and for many ages, thus she remained.

But then she became sad, because she was the only one to see her beauty. She longed to share it. And so she created the old races – faeries and ogres, gnomes and pixies, undines and sylphs, sprites and leprechauns, goblins and trolls. And she gave them her gifts of music and dance. And they looked on her beauty, and danced and laughed, and revelled and caroused, and she was delighted, and danced with them, and she was pleased.

She loved her world so much – the rocks and plants, the animals and spirits… but then she became sad, because she was the only one to feel that love. She longed to share it. And so she created humans. Beings created from her love, whose purpose in life is to love and to receive love. And to them she gave the gift of binate souls – each soul had its counterpart in another’s, and humans felt the greatest ecstasy when those souls were united, which greatly pleased Ma, for all acts of love and pleasure are her worship.

But the humans got lost… they forgot their purpose, they forgot their connection with Ma; and they exploded all over the world like a rot infesting her green beauty, spiralling out of control… There were millions of them, then billions… and the binate souls hardly ever met any more, because they simply couldn’t find each other. But when they did, it still greatly pleased Ma; and humans’ favourite stories are of soulmates meeting, and even we have many stories of these wonderful fortuities. It is said that to separate soulmates is a crime against Ma.”

Amadan is listening, his face inscrutable. I’m not sure if he’s going to laugh or kill me – or both. You are gazing with rapt attention, like everybody else – Elder telling a story is hypnotic.

She stops her tale, looks straight at the Boss. “Keith has seen strong evidence suggesting that your Magpie and his Tiger are soulmates. As you know, humans leak their soul from their eyes during times of great emotion. He tried theirs, and says they taste the same.”

I don’t flinch at the look he gives me, but images of cat guts used to string instruments invade my brain unbidden.

 

 

_I hear a familiar screeching meow, and I stop, just shy of reaching the throne. I turn to look and see Keith standing on the black fur behind me._

_Jaisus, I'm distracted... I didn't even see him._

_Why is he interrupting? Amadan does *not* look pleased. Careful, Kitty..._

_I Iisten to their silent communication in shock._

_What... are you *doing*, Kitty??_

_Now there's a female faerie approaching, and the wisdom coming from her is palpable. I'm not much for wisdom as a rule... but something tells me I should listen because things are going to get significant really fucking fast._

_As she speaks, I see a vision unfolding that everyone appears to be watching in hushed silence. I see it all happening before me like a three-dimensional film._

_Huh. *Interesting*..._

_Still - I dwell in the Dark Fool end of the spectrum, so it's not feeling all that relevant to *me*... one moment she's going on about love and souls and blah, and the next..._

_..._

_*Fucking what?*_

_I stand frozen as I see her square off against Amadan._

_*SOULMATES??* Isn't that the biggest load of - isn't that sentimental drivel of the very worst - isn't that -_

_Amadan is *livid*, and staring at Keith like he's going to *annihilate* him..._

_Oh, Kitty..._

_"Amadan!" I hear myself saying. "I'm the maddest, baddest, most terrifying fucker in the human world. And there's *nothing* I wouldn't give up for my Tiger - the crown, my life... even my *invulnerability to emotions*..."_

_At this his eyes widen in shock and he steps back, looking horrified. Well. I surprised the Dark Fool - please let that count for something..._

_I look at him steadily. "I love him more than *anything*, Amadan. I don't know about things like soulmates, because I never cared a fig before. But if such a thing exists in this godsforsaken world... then he's *mine*, and I *want* him. *NOW*."_

_The Great Hall trembles, and chunks of rocks shake from the walls._

 

 

^-^

Amadan looks at you, frowning, then looks across the room. There's no doubt the crowd is fascinated - they came to see a coronation and a wedding, which is a great reason for an epic Bealtaine bash, but now they may have the chance to _actually_ witness something that is the stuff of legends and tales? Elves like nothing more than a good drama, and your battle against the Queen has already been taken by bards to be put to rhyme - wouldn't it be even greater if it ended in a marvellous love story? For a race that doesn't actually do love, the Fae are fascinated by it - much like humans are fascinated by tales of magic. Interesting...

My pondering is interrupted by Amadan, who waves his hands in the air, smiling whilst still sending pictures of cat guts being picked clean by hummingbirds into my mind. "Well!" he shouts. "What an unexpected twist... Is our human more significant than we thought? Keith, bring him in, will you? This deserves to be explored!"

Excited chattering breaks out in the crowds. Elder sinks back into the shadows. It was hard enough to get her to come up here - I hope she stays around; her word carries weight - but she doesn't like the noise. It might just be up to you two and me... please be soulmates. And, preferably, entertaining. I would like to keep my guts. I'm very attached to them.

Bast, why did I think this was a good idea? Pissing off the Boss is _never_ a good idea. Just because I'm a sucker for sad blue eyes...

 

 

I've been here, trying not to despair, and failing, trying not to rage at the mound, and failing, for about two hours, when I hear a rustle. I tell myself it's another bloody rabbit, when I hear ~Tiger?~

"Keith! Keith, is that you? Is Jim with you? Jim? Are you there?"

~He's not, Tiger, but I'm to take you to him - you can come back in. I do suggest you don't try to attack anyone, though, OK? I'm _trying_ to help you two... But you can't defeat Amadan. You have to win him to your cause. The cause in point being that you and Jim are soulmates.~

"We're _what?_ " What the - fuck!? The cat is trying to save us with some Mills and Boon tripe?

~I'm serious. It's kind of a big deal, and the only chance you got. I just hope I'm not wrong, and I hope that we can somehow prove it. I don't suppose you know of any reliable soulmate tests?~

"What, like in Cosmopolitan?"

~What?~

"No! No I don't know of any reliable soulmate tests! I didn't even know such a thing existed, and now you want me to prove that I'm Jim's?"

 _Jim_ …

“Can we go in? Can I see him?”

~Yes, of course… let me make the entrance bigger…~

The blasted hole is there in the side of the mound like it’s never not been there. I take off all my clothes again, wrap the deerskin around myself, and follow a cat butt into a dark tunnel for the second night in a row.

When we get to the upside-down cave, it looks like the entire mound has been gathered. It’s packed to the brim with creatures in all shapes and sizes, predominantly elves, but also smaller and darker humanoid ones, birds, fish, insects, flowers… The centre of the ceiling/floor is dominated by a path of black furs flanked by black roses, at the end of which –

_JIM!_

You look heartbreakingly beautiful – oh god you were made to be a Faerie King… the black armour accentuates your lithe muscular form, gleaming like your dark hair and eyes, silver accents reflecting the lights of the many torches. The mantle hangs around your shoulders like it was always meant to be there, of course, you are the Dark King…

I don’t know if I’m allowed, but I’m sure I’ll be stopped by a wall of magic if I’m not. I jump onto the ceiling, feel the lurch of my stomach righting itself, and run towards you. You stand frozen for no more than a moment before you start running towards me too. No magic interferes as our arms are thrown around each other, our chests meet, I press my face into your hair… “ _Jim…_ Oh god Jim… I love you, Jim… I love you…” Tears are falling, again, as I squeeze you as close as I dare. Something metal burns my chest, but I don’t care. It can burn me up if it likes, if I keep getting to hold you.

 

 

_When Amadan sends Keith off to fetch Sebastian, I start to pace. Is this actually going to happen? He's going to be brought here for some kind of - test? How do you do a soulmate test, anyway! A game show with insipid sexed-up questions and a cackling audience?_

_Amadan is telling me not to get my hopes up and that the test is almost impossible..._

_But there are two people I know who can carry off the impossible on any day of the week and twice on bloody Sunday._

_You... and me._

_And suddenly you're there in the hall!! And I peer at you, terrified that it's faerie trickery and it's just a glamoured goblin who is meant to fail the test..._

_But you're running towards me and the look on your face I would recognize as authentically you even if a hundred years had passed, or a thousand..._

_And I'm running to you, and we slam into each other and we're holding each other as if we're never ever going to let go... and you're crying that you love me, and I'm speechless because I've never felt anything like this ever, ever... I want to cry and tell you I love you too, but I'm frozen and afraid of what this test entails, and what will happen to you, Sebastian? What if it kills you??_

_I'm pressing up against you, not willing to release you. If this test is too dangerous... maybe it would be better to just let you go??? At least I'd know you were alive..._

_But then you'd be a hollow shell, and I couldn't handle that, either..._

_I pull back to look at you, and press my hand to your face. No - there's no way I can let you go now. Not after seeing you again._

_"You up to some impossible task so we can be together... soulmate?" I ask. It's meant to be sarcastic and playful, but... the word is as much a bomb as when I confessed to you that I loved you. We stare at each other intently as Amadan strides up to us and raises his arms to bring the attention of the gathered audience to him._

 

 

"I was born ready, Boss..." I murmur, more confident than I feel. I will do _anything_ \- but god knows what they will think up. Still, it'll be better to die for you in a test than to be stuck outside that fucking mound...

The crowd hushes as Amadan paces beside us. "Ladies and gentlemen, fae and others, behold! We have here, in our very midst, a pair of potential _soulmates!_ " The crowds cheer. I hold on to you as close as I can - I don't know what is going to happen, so I'll take all the contact we can get...

"However, how do we know this is true? What is the proof that these are indeed that legendary creature - soulmates - and not just humans trying to interfere in our affairs?" A few boos and hisses from the crowd. I gather I'm not the most popular person here - unless I prove to be your soulmate. So how does one prove that? I don't suppose Cosmopolitan quizzes come into it...

"Well, how do we decide anything that is impossible to resolve? We have a _trial by combat!_ "

The crowd cheers wildly. Apparently this is a popular solution. I'm not sure how pleased I am with it - I can take out any faerie in this hall, no problem - but if they use magic, I'm done for. What does this entail?

I look at you, you look back wide-eyed - you have no clue either.

 

 

_I cling to you. I know I should be showing strength, majesty, grace under fecking pressure, but... trial by combat? With who? Or *what*? It took so many of us to take down the faerie queen, just how insanely hard is this going to be to do by yourself?? You don't have any powers, and I'm not sure your brute strength and strategic military skills will do the trick... Shit. ShitShitSHIT..._

_"Bring in the opponent..." Amadan roars, and everybody starts cheering and collectively freaking out._

_Fucking *relax*, faeries!, I think with agitation. Then my mouth drops open at the sight of the thing that's being led into the Hall. "Tiger Tiger *Tiger*..." I say through gritted teeth and point a shaking finger at the creature. He looks like a troll hate-fucked a giant, and this was their angry offspring._

_"Amadan.... what. *Is*. It..." I whisper furiously._

_"An ogre, of course..." he whispers back. "Tiger is your champion, yes? He has superior fighting skills, yes?"_

_"Amadan! This is *hardly a fair match*..." I say, my jaw clenching so hard it's physically painful._

_"It's not meant to be a *fair match*... it's supposed to show that love conquers all!" he whispers back. "Wonderful little idea, that... the fae will be thrilled!"_

_"Oh! Will they be thrilled if that thing rips his head off?" I seethe. "A festive start to the Coronation?"_

_"Magpie! Have some faith in your love..." he grins, and raises his arms in the air again._

_"The Trial by Combat (Ogre Vs. Tiger) shall commence momentarily! Please take your seats, so we can begin..." he says gallantly._

_"*Fuck*, Tiger!! You - can do this, right?!" I look up panicking as the ogre takes his place in the middle of the Hall, and lets out an angry bellow._

 

 

A flurry of activity around us. Wood and rope fences are drawn up between the crowd and what quickly appears to become the arena. You are pulled out of my arms by Amadan and jumped to some overhang. I hear your voice calling me, but don't dare look back. The thing, barely held down by ropes, is twelve feet tall. Sharp horns protrude from its head. Its teeth, visible when it roars, are huge and sharp. Its enormous hands end in claws. What the fuck...

On some unseen signal, the ropes are released and the thing charges at its adversary - which is apparently me, as I'm the only one not behind a fence. My one advantage seems to be speed - it's bulky and projects its intentions clearly, so I can move out of the way of its fists when they land in the place where I was standing a second ago. The ground shakes, bits of rock break off from the roof of the cave. I do _not_ want to be caught anywhere near those fists, that is clear.

It looks around to where I am, charges. I let it approach for a bit, then dive aside as it smashes into the fence, which must be magically enhanced, or it'd have gone straight through it.

It roars in frustration, as I try to gather my wits. It's twice my size, way stronger; there's no way I will win this in a straight fight. I'll have to find its weak spot and attack that.

It lifts up the fence it got stuck in and throws it at me. I just manage to outrun it, as another fence appears in its place. Good to know the audience are safe then...

It's hulking towards me, and I let it approach, then make a dash behind it, see if there is any way I can get purchase on its back -

nothing - I grasp its skin but it feels like smooth stone - in frustration I kick the back of its knees, but it doesn't even _notice_ it...

If there is any weak spot, it’s going to be its eyes, or its neck - how am I ever going to get up _there!?_

Fucking hell.

 

 

_I watch with horror as you take on the ogre... fuck._

_You're testing it, looking for weak spots... of course. But it's only a matter of time before..._

_oh, god... *Seb*..._

_I feel movement beside me, and I look over. Aconite is sidling up to me._

_Jesus, I'm not in the mood for conversation right now, arsehole!_

_"So you love him...and you'd give up the throne for him?" He seems fascinated, but as ever there is cunning in his eyes._

_"What? Yes! I'd give it up right now if I could..." I stare at what's happening in the arena as you outmanoeuvre him. But I know eventually you'll tire, and the moment he scores a hit..._

_*Seb*..._

_"It would be a pleasure being your Consort..." Aconite says cryptically. "But I've thought of something even better..."_

_"What are you - " I turn and see him making an arcane gesture, and a flash of light makes me blink. He grins at me ferally, crosses his arms and gazes at the arena. "*What did you do?*"_

_"Wait..." he says in a purring voice._

_My heart pounding, I look back to what's happening. If he did something to you... *if anything happens to you*..._

 

 

There is nothing here I can use as a weapon, unless it's conveniently allergic to black roses. There are a few bits of rock, but they're hardly more than pebbles. I'd have to somehow get one straight in its eyes...

I'm looking for family jewels - I'm guessing it's a he - but he's wearing some kind of tight codpiece that doesn't leave much access. Also, I'd have to get really close to those thighs...

As I'm circling round him, a tingling sensation creeps up my spine - suddenly a spasm pushes me forward onto my hands - what the fuck? Are they using _magic_ against me as well, now?

I make to get up again, when - wait - the light is different - no - colours are - and there's so much noise -

I look up, disoriented, when I see the monster come for me again. I leap out of the way - wait - how did I do that!? What the -

I look at my hands - not hands - legs - paws -

Paws!? Orange – white – stripes – claws -

I'm a fucking _tiger!?_

Wait - I got changed into a tiger? Did you do that Jim?

No time to ponder it, soldier. You're still in combat.

But you've been given some ace weapons... those are some impressive claws there. And that feels like some _really_ sharp teeth...

Don't try to think about how this body works - it seems to know how to move of its own accord; which is great, because I have no idea how a tail is supposed to function.

The thing lunges for me again, and I easily outrun it - him - and run behind him. I launch myself at his back and actually manage to get purchase with these claws - excellent - I make it nearly to his neck when his fist comes round and grabs me - shit - he takes my arm - leg - and pulls, throws me on the ground. I am pleased to see that my claws have left gouges in his skin - I seem to be making an impression.

My leg hurts but doesn't seem broken or dislocated - it still works. Right.

 

 

_I'm not going to wait and *see what happens*. I grab Aconite by the throat, and move my face close to his._

_"Ohh... Daddy..." he whispers. "Is this a sneak preview to our wedding night?"_

_I glare, livid. "Get it through your faerie skull, precious - or *I wil*l. There won't be a wedding night for us, and there won't be *any* more nights for you if you don't tell me what you just did..." I squeeze my hand threateningly, and feel a murderous impulse start to crawl through me._

_The little fucker runs his tongue over his lips and his eyes glow violet. "Shame. You're *delectably* Unseelie... but you might want to look and see for yourself, Peaches..."_

_Slowly I turn and my mouth drops open. My hand falls from his throat, and I throw myself against the fence. "Tiger..." I squeak in disbelief. "Did - you - just - *Tiger* him??" My head is swimming, and words have ceased to make sense._

_"Me?? I'm sure I don't know what you mean! The Realm is wildly unpredictable, Magpie..." I look back at Aconite, who's rubbing his throat and smiling with grim pleasure. "I only hope your Tiger is worthy of your love, or I suspect Amadan will want more than a conversation with me..."_

_"He's worthy," I growl, and my hands grip the fence posts._

_C'mon, my beautiful Tiger... show them who you really are..._

 

 

We're stalking around each other; he occasionally lunging for me, to no avail.

I'm a lot faster than he is now, but he is still stronger, and those claws and horns are sharp. I have to avoid his arms, but I think his neck is his weak spot...

Could I do a full frontal attack? Go for the jugular, and then spring off before he grabs me? Most likely if I'm biting his throat his impulse will be to get me off, rather than to keep hold of me.

_For you, Jim..._

I launch myself at him, jump, grab his shoulders and close my jaws around his windpipe. He roars and blood spatters into my face. Claws dig into my belly and I jump off, but not before biting off a chunk of flesh. The blood tastes _amazing_ , it's making my head spin, my nose thrill - I want _more_...

I definitely hurt the creature. It's stumbling around, his hand pressed against his throat; warm red blood leaks out. I run up again, slash my claws at his face, aiming for the eyes, before leaping off. He roars in pain, his free hand making a grab for me and catching my tail, yanking it painfully before I drop free. I run off - stumbling a bit as it now is hard to keep my balance - and see him clutching both his face and his neck, not even attempting to follow me; crouching down. I run around, jump on his back, slash my front claws around his neck. One of them catches his hand, but the other connects with soft bloody tissue, and I dig in hard. His hand flies back and I let go and drop to the floor before he can grab me again. There's definitely a very strong smell of blood and death coming from his neck now. He roars, but the sound comes up distorted - I think I tore his windpipe.

He's not attacking any more, but no one says anything about ending the fight - it must be to the death, then.

_And then I can feast on all that lovely flesh..._

Yes - OK. Tiger thoughts. Great. You can feast all you like, kitty cat, just let's kill the thing first.

I leap at it from the front again - it's got its eyes closed, doesn't see me coming - and manage to get my teeth under his jaw, while I dig my claws into his neck, and _push_...

A sick, tearing sound, a distinctly gargled roar, an arm sending me flying - _with_ what I'm pretty sure is a significant part of his trachea.

A loud crashing sound as he falls over. I circle around. Blood is gushing out from his throat and his eyes are screwed shut. He's still alive, but barely...

I pull closer, careful, in case he has a gush of energy, and bite through what’s left of his windpipe. A shudder runs through him, then he is still.

 

 

_I'm watching open-mouthed at this display of skill - you are still so *you* as a Tiger..._

_I've never seen anything more magnificent in my life..._

_And then... you rip his throat out..._

_circle round..._

_and bite through the remnants of said throat._

_*You fucking did it.*_

_You slayed a monstrous beast to be with me, as a motherfucking TIGER._

_I'm over the fence and partway across the arena before I even know I'm on the move._

_Amadan is calling to me to be careful, which just shows faeries don't understand love because you see me and you're making a beeline for me and jumping onto me, but you know exactly who I am - we're rolling on the ground, and you're licking my face sweetly, and the biggest paws I've ever seen are on my chest. I touch them tentatively, and kiss each bloody claw. I caress your head and muzzle in fascination, and you close your eyes when I rub your jaw and over your ears._

_I stop and you open your eyes and chuff at me. At this, I throw my arms around your neck and press myself against your huge furry body. I've never been so blissed out in my life._

 

 

Jim...

I try to throw my arms around you, but they're legs and I'm way too heavy, and I throw you over and you laugh and I roll over so I don't fall on top of you and you fall onto me and we roll on the ground laughing and cuddling - I did it Jim, I did it for you... I lick your face and you giggle so incredibly cutely I just want to eat you up - no wait Tiger side, we don't eat Jim, we just hug him and lick him and hold him close, and wish we could purr as he digs his hands into our fur.

I stand up and you look into my eyes - you look different in this light, but you're still Jim, so beautiful, a fellow predator, beaming at me, throwing his arms around me.

The crowd are cheering - it would appear that this outcome has pleased them. I do hope it serves as proof that we're soulmates, because I don't want to do any more of these tests. And I hope that whoever changed me into a tiger will be happy to change me back, or we're going to be very kinky soulmates indeed.

The noise of the crowds dies down to leave the sound of one person laughing. Laughter that sounds like echoes off dying trees on distant mountains, like demented infants, like a corpse being tickled.

Amadan.

He's upside down on the largest of the two thrones, spinning the black crown in the air as his head rests upon the crimson pillow.

"Oh, _beautiful_ , Aconite!" he guffaws. "I said the battle was to be between Tiger and Ogre, so - you made it so! Quite poetic, and just..."

He flips the right way up, Aconite appearing in front of him. "Now what could make you want to play such a game, I wonder?" he purrs.

 

 

_I look up grudgingly from my Tiger reunion - oh right, we're in the middle of the blood-streaked arena... cuddling just a stone's throw away from an ogre corpse... while the entire Unseelie court waits for a coronation._

_Aconite gives a sweeping bow._

_"My Lord Amadan... You forget, I spent quality time with this lovely pair at the Bealtaine celebration... and trust me when I tell you they could barely keep their eyes off each other. Even though *this* was in between them!" He gestures dramatically at himself from head to toe. "There was no game being played here, I assure you. Simply seeing the truth of things beyond form and setting it free..."_

_Amadan grips Aconite's chin in his hand and tilts his head to observe him. "And yet... who knows what would have happened if *someone* hadn’t interfered, hmmm?"_

_"You say t'was interference..." Aconite grins at him. "I say it was the hands of Fate moving through me..."_

_~I'll show you hands moving through you, if you like...~ Amadan purrs into Aconite's mind, and allows me to overhear it. He's not pleased with either of us at this moment..._

_Aconite shivers, and I jump up and move towards the thrones. You follow, close to my heels. When I stop, I feel you bump your head against me, nearly knocking me over. I scratch your ears and you rub against me._

_"Lord Amadan... speaking as the one who was meant to be crowned today, I feel I can be trusted to make sound judgements for the Realm. Sadly it cannot be me who sits on the throne, as my soulmate status has been proven... but the one who would have sat next to me I have every confidence in. My recommendation is that Aconite be crowned as he was meant to be... but as King instead of Consort."_

_Aconite bows deeply to me._

_"I would be most honoured to serve the Realm in this fashion... and do solemnly swear to protect the Unseelie Court and territories with all the power I have."_

_Amadan sighs heavily in my mind._

_"Now that the Magpie is free to be with his Tiger, I can think of no better monarch than Prince Aconite to rule in his stead. Long may he reign!"_

_Everyone jumps up and cheers._

_Aconite winks at me, and I hear a low growl from behind me._

_I chuckle, bend down and whisper in your ear. "No more killing today, Tiger... it surely doesn't hurt to have a Faerie King on your side..."_

 

 

Fair enough, but no more lewd winks from said Faerie King...

Amadan jumps from the throne to stand in front of us.

"Do you have _any idea_ how hard it is for the Lord of Chaos to _arrange_ things, Magpie? Here I go to _plan_ an entire coronation and wedding, and your feline friends throw it all out the window..."

He reaches for me and I have to make an effort not to cringe, but he merely ruffles my fur. "Still, I can see you're awfully attached to him. But I'll miss you - we could have made such mischief, you and I..." He touches your face, fondly. He does seem to really like you... Which is good, because I don't really want to know what happens to people he doesn't like.

He jumps back onto the big throne, one foot on either arm. "Friends of the Unseelie Court! I promised you a coronation and a wedding for Bealtaine - but we got ourselves an actual legend in the making! A soulmate match! A deadly battle for love! Already I hear the bards compose songs that will be sung through the ages!

But the cake has been baked and the crown polished; I promised you a coronation and a wedding, and a coronation and a wedding you shall have! We shall crown King Aconite to rule this Mound!" Cheers from the crowd - Aconite appears to be popular. I could also imagine one or two people having some reservations about having a mostly-human stranger on the throne... "And then we shall have our Faerie Bealtaine wedding - between two actual soulmates! The Magpie and his Tiger shall have their bond confirmed in a ceremony for the ages! And then we will have a Bealtaine Bash that it will take us to Samhain to recover from!!"

The crowd goes wild.

My head goes blank.

 

 

_I have to admit I'm relieved that Amadan is conceding defeat in his indomitable way... making the events that have foiled his plans seem oh so remarkable and wonderful. And I can't help but be glad that he didn't spill Aconite's innards in front of the throne... I sensed he was imagining it._

_And now that I have the Dark Fool and a Faery King as allies, of course I'm wondering how I can use this to my advantage... while sowing seeds of mayhem, for everyone's pleasure - mine included._

_I scratch your ears, wondering when you'll be turned back. I rather like you in this form - it makes me want to chain you to something, only... well, I'm not *that* kinky..._

_Amadan is making a grand speech and I realize I'm genuinely looking forward to seeing a faerie coronation before returning home. Oh, did Aconite already choose a Consort to marry, I think idly._

_And then -_

_And then -_

_*WHAT*..._

_"Aconite!" I whisper fiercely. "Can you turn Sebastian back - *NOW*..."_

 

 

"Where would be the fun in _that!?_ " he giggles. "I rather fancy having a tiger at my coronation... don't worry, I'll change you both back before your wedding."

Both!? What - what is he -

He's making some gestures, light flashes, and your armour clatters onto the ground. _Jim!?_

A magpie dashes out from under the cloak, cawing angrily, flapping up, doing a few clumsy loops before crashlanding onto my back and stepping onto my head. It proceeds to squawk furiously at Aconite, who is giggling uncontrollably. Amadan joins in with the laughter - no help from that angle.

 

 

_Oh *no*..._

_*No fucking wa-*_

_I'm falling, falling, falling... then *nothing makes sense*... my body feels like madness and feathers, and then I'm being buried in heavy leather and velvet, and I'm breaking free of clothing *and gravity*... and then there are strange shrieking sounds near my ears, and - and - I'm flapping furiously... *I'm flapping???*_

_Oh, he didn't -_

_Oh, you *motherfucking faerie*..._

_I'm trying to fly and falling over onto your furry back, and I'm livid. But I'm in fucking bird form, aren't I - so all that I can do is squawk more. Somehow I end up on your head, and we must look ridiculous, and now I'm sorry that I didn't let Amadan split the future King up the middle... maybe I can convince him of this afterwards but my darling patron is laughing gleefully too - oh, fuck the lot of you Unseelie fuckers!!_

_I can't even fly off in a huff, because I don't want to risk getting separated from you again..._

_All I can do is seethe. I'm literally an angry bird, but I can't even peck out Aconite's eyes because I need him to undo this..._

_I stop squawking so we can get this coronation over with, but I intend to start up again during the Crowning._

_Amadan grins at me._

_"As I was about to say... let the coronation begin!"_

 

 

Hilarious. So glad we found the Dark Lord of Misrule and his enthusiastic new minion. Still, as long as they change us back and let us leave, I'm happy to be a tiger. It feels kind of nice to be a 30-stone murder machine - I could get used to this. Though I don't think I fancy you as a bird, much. So best be nice and sweet and supportive of Aconite's coronation, so he'll turn us back, before our-

our-

Oh fuck.

They're going to marry us.

And I can't even discuss it with you discreetly because you're a fucking bird and I'm a tiger.

Fucking hell. I mean, I love you - no doubt about that - but you have only said you loved me after you thought I'd leave you forever and you'd be married to someone else - what was that, Jim? Was it to make me feel better?

No - no that would be the dumbest thing you could have said to make me _feel better_...

But then you're not _too_ great with human emotions...

What did you _mean_ , Jim?

And it's not like I then had a good talk about the whole thing with you. I went and had a go at your... ancestor, and got thrown out of the mound. And then when I got back I fought an ogre and now you're a magpie, and...

I really don't think this is how I ever imagined getting engaged, if I'd ever thought of it at all.

 

 

_It's hard to tell how you're doing since tigers have limited facial expressions... I perch on your head and look down at your face but I already feel silly enough without adding to how hilarious we look. I try to sigh and end up cawing in your face. Your ears twitch and you look up at me cross-eyed - are you trying to make me laugh or do you think I look like a tasty snack? I straighten up hastily._

_Amadan waves his hands and haunting, regal music swells in the cave._

_I look around for musicians, but I only see instruments playing themselves._

_"Faeries and Friends of the Unseelie Court! I present to you the Fae who would be your King! Do you accept Prince Aconite as your King?"_

_"Aye!" everyone shrieks together and the cave trembles._

_"Prince Aconite! Do you swear allegiance and loyalty to the Unseelie Court, on pain of death?"_

_"Aye!" he shouts._

_"Then come and swear by the enchanted blade of the Dark Fool..." he purrs. Amadan wields a dagger which looks like a smaller version of the obsidian sword._

_Aconite approaches, and holds out his palm - the enchanted blade rises in the air and slashes against his palm, blood splashing out onto the floor. There is no change in his expression, and everyone cheers and stamps their feet._

_"Now... everyone approach to swear loyalty by their blood... and if anyone does not, I'll know the reason why-yyy..." Amadan says in a singsong voice._

_Everyone dutifully lines up and allows the blade to slash them. Soon the cave floor is slick with blood. At first I think it's going to take all day for this rabble to all get their slashes, but I forgot faerie time is a funny thing and it seems to only take minutes. Soon everyone is sitting again, murmuring with excitement._

_Amadan waves his arms again and the crown floats in the air._

_He gestures at Aconite to kneel on the cushion which is hovering a few inches from the ground. He does and the crown plummets to his head. The crowd collectively gasps and then cheers when it lands._

_"The Crown did not remove his head! Aconite is declared a worthy King for the Unseelie!" Amadan howls. "Now all of you feast and be merry, or I'll turn you inside out!" He claps his hands and does a backflip onto the throne. He starts to conduct the instruments and they play a raucous song that sounds bawdy and terrifying, and nothing like music that would be played at a Coronation._

_So we're done? I think hopefully. We can be Jim and Seb again? I launch myself in the air and fly clumsily around Aconite's crowned head, squawking loudly._

 

 

All this blood is making my tiger side grow hungry. It seems that the longer I stay a tiger, the stronger that side gets... or it's been too long since that steak. Mmmm, steak... _stop it..._

Aconite is smiling on his throne, people are dancing, and you launch yourself from my head to caw at your ex-fiancé. Yes, Aconite... you've had your fun. I step closer too, try to growl petitioningly rather than threateningly.

"A moment to let the people carouse, then it'll be your turn," he smiles, holding his hand out for you to perch on. You do, keeping up your barrage of squawks. "Yes, my beautiful, I know..." he smiles. I growl a little less friendly - he's taking the piss now. "No worries, kitty cat - oh wait! Cat! Where is Keith?" He looks around the room. "Lord Amadan! Keith needs to be present at this wedding, surely - it wouldn't have happened without him!"

"Indeed - let me summon him..." Amadan concedes. "Now - I know you’re thinking it will be hilarious to have them turn back when they're in the middle of the hall stark naked, but I will not have my descendant embarrassed. Turn them back now so we can dress them properly for this wedding."

Yes - listen to your Lord, Mr King.

Aconite sighs, puts you on the floor. "Alright then..." Gestures, light, that tingle in my spine...

The noise gets less deafening, colours are sharper, and I can stretch upright. You are standing next to me and fuck the king, fuck this entire court, I can embrace you again - "Jim..."

 

 

_"Sebbie!" I leap up against you and wrap my arms and legs around you and kiss you. You kiss me back and walk me towards a wall. I feel the wall against my back, you pushing against me._

_I break off from the kiss and grin up at you. "Careful, Tiger... this is going to get x-rated *fast*... and that would be pretty exhibitionist even for us, to fuck in front of a court at a coronation... Maybe next one they have, hmm?"_

_Before you can answer, a faerie courtier appears with my clothes and your deerskin. My lips quirk, and you let me down._

_We dress quickly, eyes on each other, and then we're back to making out madly._

_"That - was the most magnificent thing I've ever seen - " I breathe. "Jesus Christ... Sebbie, you're *amazing*..."_

_You kiss me deeply and stare into my eyes. "I would have done *anything* for you, you know that. Moved to Ireland and waited for a lifetime by a goddamn mound... figured out a way to destroy this entire Court... There's *nothing* I wouldn't have done. But Jim," you say, looking troubled. "This wedding...?"_

_I blink. Oh, yes. *That*._

 


	9. The Knot

_Hmmm..._

_I tilt my head and consider what I want to say. "When I thought I was going to live an eternity without you, all I wanted was you... Having you taken away from me was an actual *devastation*," I say my voice, shaking. "And then - there was that trial by combat, and all I could think about was being with you again... but for real," I say shyly. "Like you deserve. Like - you've always deserved. I'm sorry, Seb - for shutting you out, for not seeing you clearly before. I was a fool and an idiot. And I don't fucking care what we do, as long as I have you. We can get married right now if you want because there may never be another opportunity to have a fucking faerie wedding. But if you'd rather do it in a courthouse under aliases, or wait - I don't mind what we do. But it won't change anything for me... I love you madly and you're all there is for me in *any* world. So the only question that remains is... what do *you* want to do, Tiger?"_

_I take your hand and hold it against my cheek._

_"Oh, I guess I should actually ask you the question! Will you do me the honour of marrying me, Sebbie?" I whisper._

 

 

My cheeks are getting wet and your face is getting blurry - wait, am I crying again?

The things you are saying to me - fuck - Jim...

You're _apologizing_. Again. You're saying I'm all you wanted... You're saying you're an idiot - Jim - and you want to - what!? You want to marry me - regardless of whether we do it here? Not because we are being forced at wandpoint to get married - but - you _actually_ want it?!

And you love me - oh god...

And then you ask -

Like I've never dared imagine...

Like I've never dared dream...

I burst into sobs, big tough soldier image be damned, throw my arms around you -

" _Yes_ , you wondrous half-faerie psychopath! I would like nothing better! I'm probably insane, but I love you, god Jim I love you...

I never dared say... I didn't think you could... might that be because of your faerie blood? Anyway - if you can... if you will... if you want to -

you _know_ I'm yours, always, forever, completely... mind, body and soul... you might as well have my heart and complete the set.

Sorry, I'm babbling..." I giggle through my tears.

"Yes, let's get fucking married, and let's have that faerie tale wedding I just _know_ we've both been dreaming of our entire lives."

I gesture to my deerskin. "It's not _quite_ white tie I'm afraid, but it does show off that marvellous M on my back. I'm sure our audience will appreciate that. And you look absolutely ravishing..." I growl against your ear. "Can't wait for the wedding night...”

I shrug. “Besides, I think Amadan is set on a wedding. We don't want to piss him off - I don't really want to have a Lord of Chaos on our bad side.

Oh, and if I get to have a vote on the honeymoon destination, though, I would prefer to avoid Ireland."

 

 

_I'm beaming at you as you cry and speak and cry some more. At different points my eyes blur with tears and I find myself sniffling through the majority of what you say._

_"We are leaving Ireland as soon as we crawl out of the earth - that's a promise. You can pick someplace, Seb... anywhere you wish."_

_I clasp my hands around yours. "So - we're really doing this?" I ask in wonder. "I can't even express what that means to me, Sebbie... and I don't care what Amadan wants, we're doing this because *I want*..." I say darkly, then laugh. "Oh, and *you* want... I'm not used to thinking of 'us' yet. But - we really made it to 'you and me'," I sob, and lay my head against your chest. "I was so afraid we'd never have the chance... just when I realized I loved you; it was all so cosmically unfair... But I should have remembered - in the end, I *always* get what I want." I dry my tears and give you my most Moriarty smile. "And that's you, handsome. I can't wait to show you *how much* I want... and I'm warning you from now, I'm craving a lot of growling and biting... think you're up for that, Tiger?"_

 

 

I emit a low growl into your ear, making gooseflesh appear on your arms, bite your earlobe.

"I don't advise asking Aconite to turn me back into a tiger... did you know they have barbed penises? But I can be _your_ tiger whenever you want."

I pull your head back against my shoulder, look at the mass of dancing elves behind us. "Fucking hell, Jim... Life is never boring with you, is it?" I chuckle. "I don't care how corny it sounds, but this _is_ the happiest day of my life. When you said you loved me, just before I was thrown out of the mound - " I shake my head. "I was just - fuck. It was all I'd ever wanted, and it was going to be taken away from me?! Just like that!? I was _this_ close to breaking Amadan's fucking neck..."

Amadan chooses that moment to manifest by our side. Oh of course. He must have been eavesdropping and picking the most awkward moment; how like him.

Keith is next to him, starting to busily wash his hip.

"Are you ready for this, Magpie and Tiger?" he asks, sounding surprisingly gentle. "I won't hold this against you two, Tiger. It was all tremendously funny, and very spectacular - a story for the ages. And I think Aconite will prove a good King - he has the support from most of the people here, so it'll be easier on him than it would have been for you. Still - you're mine, Magpie. The _original_ plan, before your Tiger here went and got into an altercation with the Queen -"

I growl at that. I'm getting good at the sound.

"- the original plan was for you to be my Champion, which I had rather envisaged as taking place largely in this mound... but I guess it might be fun to have a Champion wreaking havoc out in the human world. You're already fond of pranks and games, and have a position of significant power... I think we could have great fun working together. I could get you intel that would otherwise be impossible to get... and you could do things to make me laugh.

Also, I've got a wedding present for you..." He nudges Keith, who looks up at us sheepishly. "He's not _quite_ disobeyed me, so I am not going to have his guts for garters..." he hisses ominously, "but he's clearly shown that he feels a lot of loyalty for you two, so you are welcome to have him. I believe you've always wanted a cat.

So? What do you think?" He smiles at you.

 

 

_"Kitty?" is all I can think to blurt out. I hunker down close to the ground. "Keith - you really want to come home with us? Well, why wouldn't you - we *are* fantabulous company, after all! As for us, we would *love* to share our home with a magical, talking cat." I scratch his ears, and he rubs against my legs. ~This makes me very happy, Kitty. We'll have such fun together, my sweet!~ I stare with affection into his green eyes, grin at him, and stand up._

_"Thank you for your generous gift, Amadan. I am more than happy to wreak havoc in the world, not *just* because I would do it anyway... but I do enjoy the prospect of amusing dark faeries with mayhem... The world is but a stage for me, as ever... But now I have an actual audience! How delightful!" I nudge you. "All those things I wanted to do that you said were mental? They're like my sacred responsibility now, Sebbie! When we get back, I'll need you to order me all the red dye you can find..." I giggle at you rolling your eyes, and I lay my head against your chest. My hand curls around your waist possessively._

_*My* Tiger... *mine*._

 

 

^-^

Well. I say. Just _handing me off_ like a gravy boat are we? I huff, just on the principle of things, but I'm actually quite relieved. I mean - _rationally_ I did the right thing, but since when has the Boss ever cared about ratio? Or even doing the right thing? So - I guess banishment is a punishment in a way, but getting to live with you, who obviously and appropriately adore me, and Pretty Boy, who shall indubitably learn to, won't be a hardship.

You are civil enough to ask my opinion, at least - unlike _some_ people - and express your appreciation. I nod magnanimously - yeah, I'll come over with you. I'm not too keen on London - it stinks - but I suppose I can tolerate it in exchange for being a spoilt lap cat instead of an exploited messenger.

 

 

Oh god... there's three of them now.

When it was just you, occasionally you'd listen to me talking sense. If you're being backed up by a cat and a Faerie God...

Am I sure I want to go on with this marriage thing?

_God, yes..._

Fae lords, talking cats, I'll take it all in stride. You love me, and life couldn't be better.

An elf taps me on the shoulder, holding a bundle in his arms. "Would you like to change into some more appropriate attire, Tiger?" he asks. I nod gratefully - I mean, I'm not self-conscious about my body, but I would look a bit underdressed next to your mouth-watering outfit.

He gestures me to a small cave behind the thrones and unpacks his bundle - black leather trousers that flare like hakama, black boots, a tight black silk sleeveless shirt, and black leather cuff bracelets. They don't do mirrors here, but judging from your look when I come back into the room I look acceptable.

"Ladies and gentlemen! Elves, Fae, and others of the Unseelie court! Please return to your places, for the most exciting part of the evening, which may well prove to be the event of the century! Bards, sharpen your strings! On this most sacred of nights, Bealtaine, we shall perform the marriage of human soulmates! Our very own Magpie, of my lineage, and his Tiger, of who knows and who cares what human lineage, shall be joined together in a sacred ceremony, confirming their status as soulmates witnessed by all of us here, never to be separated."

The audience return to their places, whispering excitedly. You and I stand in front of the throned Aconite and Lord Amadan, who raises his hands.

 

 

_Oh my god, this is actually happening... I feel fear spike through me for an instant._

_But then I look up at you, and I feel calm._

_Amadan gestures and a wide black ribbon floats up from the red satin pillow._

_"Magpie and Tiger..." he says solemnly. "Face each other and clasp hands."_

_We do and now that I'm staring at you, it takes my breath away._

_Fuck, you're so majestic..._

_The ribbon floats over our hands, and then drapes over with the ends hanging down._

_"Unseelie Brethren! Today Magpie and Tiger offer themselves to one another. When they leave our beloved Realm, their lives will be bound up together. Two fantastic tales come together into one!_

_Magpie and Tiger, before your hands are fastened together and the knot is tied, we have a step to take - in the human realm, you would give vows. In the Unseelie Realm, we let blood speak for itself. If you wish to speak afterwards, you may. But first things, first! Palms, please! Chop, chop!" He giggles. We look at each other, and tentatively open our hands. From out of nowhere, the obsidian dagger appears and in one sweeping slash, both of our palms are cut and bleeding._

_"Now - press together..." he says, holding his breath. When we do, a sound rises from the assembly, halfway between a moan and an 'ahhhh'..._

_"Beautiful... " he breathes. "Such short lives you live my dears, but you choose to spend them as one... Beautiful..." A black silk handkerchief appears in the air and dabs his eyes. "Well... shall we do what we came to do? I don't see any reason not to!"_

_The ribbon swiftly loops over our hands twice and a knot ties itself into a fancy bow underneath our clasped hands._

_"Magpie and Tiger, I offer you the patronage of the Unseelie Court.... and any protection we can extend," he declares, claps his hand and a shimmering mist settles over us. Everyone cheers and stamps their feet._

_"Do you have anything human-y to add before I pronounce you wed?" Amadan inquires politely. "Just don't be boring."_

_Do I? Do you?_

_I look down at our tied hands and you watching me so intently, and I look back at you, glowing._

_"Sebbie... I don't know what madness compelled you to bind your life to mine in the first place, and now again officially. Seriously, Tiger - what the fuck were you thinking?! But I thank whatever dark stars I was born under for giving me one person who has always been loyal and devoted to me no matter what. I have a lot of faults in the human world, but I will be loyal and devoted to you._

_I will love you, and I will protect you, for all our days together._

_And I'll make sure you're sexually sated and fulfilled - as much as is fairy-ly possible. I think I have my work cut out for me... but it's work worth doing well...over and over until the job is done."_

_There are ribald shouts and whistling, and you grin at me, looking happy._

_"As much as it's my calling in life to wreak havoc, it's also my calling to make you feel loved, my darling Tiger. So that is what I vow to you today, Sebbie. For always."_

_Suddenly a silver ring with engravings and tiny red and black stones appears before me and I pluck it out of the air._

_"Do you, Tiger, take Magpie to be wed to?" Amadan asks, leans in and says in a stage whisper, "Here's where you say aye!"_

 

 

Jim.

Jim.

Jim.

My mind appears unable to do anything but see your face and produce white noise. Stuff happens - ribbons. Dagger. Knotting. We're - tying the knot.

Mist.

And then you speak. You speak the most beautiful words ever spoken by man or fae. You make promises of forever. And then a ring appears in your hand.

You. Jim. Wed.

... fuck. This is the weirdest dream ever.

You look into my eyes like you are saying it's not a dream Sebbie... it's so much better...

Somehow, I find my voice, and the 'aye' does sound loud enough to be heard in the hall, raising cheers from the audience.

And you -

slide a ring. On my finger.

I am - marrying.

You.

My heart is racing, and I lose myself in those eyes... those deep dark black pools... God, Jim...

Oh god - now I'll have to speak. In front of an entire court of god knows what. Unprepared. And words carry weight here.

"I..." the crowd hushes.

"You are the eloquent one, Jim. I'm just a soldier. My words will never be able to sound as amazing as yours – But - I'll try.

I've been yours since the moment I met you. Probably before. And I've loved you - for a good few years now. I never thought - you could love me. Too un-human - super-human...

Hearing that you do - that you can - there's nothing that could make me happier. You are my reason for living, the shining dark star of my existence, and there is nothing I won't do for you. I will love you, comfort you, protect you against anything, for ever. I will kill for you and die for you, if required. I will satisfy your every desire, fulfil your every whim.

You are my life, my thoughts, my passion, my soul. I strive to fill my days doing whatever will make you most happy.

And - I know it has been hard for you, Jim. You - don't do love. You always called it a weakness, something that would addle your brain. I want to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, that you have overcome that immense aversion, for me. I will make it worth your while, Jim. I will make you so, so happy that you've chosen to give love a chance. Or die trying."

I'm crying now, you're crying, Amadan is ostentatiously wiping with a handkerchief but I think he's putting it on. Keith is beaming like he made it all happen - wait, he did. Mate - our apartment is going to be one big cat paradise. I'll build you a maze of cardboard boxes. Shelves in the sun. Your favourite food every night.

A ring appears in the air for me too - I pluck it and hold it in front of your hand.

This is happening. I am going to put a ring on – you. Unattainable, unfathomable Jim Moriarty, god among men.

 _Mine_.

“Do you, Magpie, take Tiger to be wed to?” Amadan intones.

Your eyes look deep into mine; that smile – that impish gorgeous rare special smile – and your mouth opens. “Aye.”

The cave cheers wildly. Some quite inhuman sounds among them.

“Then I now declare you wed! Joined for the duration of your lives, and possibly beyond… With the blessings of the entire Unseelie Court!”

“LET US PARTY!!!” he roars, and the cave explodes into noise, music, movement…

And I look at you – my eyes wide –

Jim.

 

 

_We're both staring at each other dumbly, our hands still tied together. Did that just happen?_

_*Did_

_that_

_just_

_happen???*_

_Amadan puts his arms around us._

_"Such an attractive groom and groom..." he purrs. "And I assume you could use some time to converse before making an appearance at the party, yes? A space has been prepared for you where you will not be disturbed and you can talk your brains out. Come with me, you two..."_

_He walks us a ways off from the thrones, and shimmers a doorway in front of us._

_I walk in and see a large space filled with candelabras and flaming black and white candles, and red and black roses._

_In the centre of the room there is a huge canopy bed with flowing black fabric blowing in a breeze._

_There is a table next to the bed with wine and goblets, and platters of fruit and sweets._

_"Delightful, yes?" he beams. "I cast the spell myself. You're welcome! Now I'll leave you to your wicked ways... Come out whenever you're ready - this party will be one of legend and shall last for days. And of course you can return home as soon as you wish. Have fun, darlings... and if you don't make the walls crack, I shall be very disappointed..." he winks and shimmers out._

_And we're left alone, staring at each other. I lift our tied hands._

_"Shall I - ?" I work at untying the bow and unlooping the ribbon one-handed._

_It slides unceremoniously to the floor._

_"Maybe we can use that later," I quip._

_You're still staring at me, and I pull you by both hands to the bed. "Yes, I know it's weird. Come. Sit. We'll drink wine and be weirded out together, darling."_

_I push you gently to sit on the bed, and pour us both a goblet of deep red wine._

_I hold mine up, and say, "I'm so glad I listened to that talking cat and crawled into the earth with you. And I'm so glad you didn't have me committed. To you and me, Tiger."_

_You murmur "You and me," and clink my goblet. We both drain our wine ridiculously fast._

_Mine tastes of melted chocolate and strawberries... and moonlight and sighs and purring..._

_My eyes wide, I pour us each another gobletful. "Damn. Faerie wine..." I say glowingly. "I wonder how many bottles we can take back with us..."_

_I take a sip, and make a pleased sound in my throat. Then I take our goblets and put them down on the table._

_"Missed you..." I murmur, and nuzzle your face._

 

 

"Jesus - Jim -"

You look up at me, questioningly.

"We - we got fucking _married_..." I say, dazed.

You start to chuckle. You look so incredibly cute and happy that I do, too - and before I know it we're both guffawing helplessly on the bed.

It feels like a relief, after all the tension.

"Fucking hell, Jim..." I say as I get my breath back. "Sorry; it's just - really... wow".

I look around the room. Yes, it looks gorgeous, and the wine tastes lovely, and the company couldn't be better, but...

"Jim... how do you feel about this place? I mean, I don't want to be a party pooper, or anything, but - it still gives me the creeps. Would they find it very rude if we... left? Sooner rather than later?"

 

 

_I look at you, thoughtfully. "It does have an air of mating in captivity, doesn't it? Not that I take issue with the concept... but if I'm going to mate with my captive Tiger, *I'm* going to be the one holding the key! So I think Amadan will be *terribly disappointed* and make his displeasure known... but he'd probably just chalk it up to our being silly humans. And he *did* say 'come out whenever you're ready and you can return home as soon as you wish'. So... let's go say our goodbyes... we'll take the plane and get the hell out of Ireland - and then we'll celebrate like we do best, and rival the Unseelie Court for decadence. I must insist it take days, I'm *very competitive* and I want to outdo these faerie fuckers." I grin at you. "What do you say, *soulmate*?"_

 

 

I smile with relief - I wasn't sure if you'd feel the same; you seem so much more at ease in this place than I am. I just feel - locked up, stifled, on edge. Doors can appear anywhere and anything can get through it; anything can be alive; for all we know Amadan and Keith are watching us on crystal ball CCTV right now. I would _really_ feel a lot happier outside. Even Ireland will do - but going back to civilization sounds even better.

I decline another swig of wine - god knows what your ancestor has done with it - and we walk out the portal, still fully clad, hand in hand.

 

 

_I spot Amadan drinking and laughing with a group of male faeries, and touching their faces. Jesus, is he going to take them all on at once? Nice work, my patron... I catch your eye and we grin at each other. This would be available to us if we wanted it... it feels so good to know it’s the farthest thing from our minds._

_You wait next to me as I sidle up to Amadan._

_“Magpie!” he says with an arched eyebrow. “Surely you’re not done... I know humans are bound by physical laws in ways we’re not but-”_

_“Hardly,” I say drily. “We’d like to take our celebration back home. We truly appreciate everything you’ve done for us, and you’ve been so generous... but we need to be in the human realm again. And we need to be alone...*really* alone...”_

_“Magpie, I can sense I’m not going to convince you otherwise... so... as you wish, dear one. Keith will escort you out.”_

_“Thank you,” I say, smiling at him. I hesitate, an unfamiliar feeling rising in me. Amadan helped me survive the most difficult time in my life... Other than Seb, I’ve had no one looking out for me since I was tiny. “For *everything*...” I say meaningfully, and squeeze his hand. “You’ve done more for me than my family *ever* did.”_

_Genuine surprise crosses his face and there’s a flicker of something else as well - an unguarded expression of being genuinely *moved*._

_“Well... of course!” He says brightly, the arrogant mask back in place. “It wouldn’t do for my Champion to have ended up dead or stuck in a silly human institution, would it? Sorry about the madness, couldn’t be helped...”_

_I laugh. “No apologies needed. I’ve come to like it.”_

_“Spoken like a true Champion! Well, then - until we meet again, I bid you adieu. And we *will* meet again, my dear... I expect you not to resist so much next time... but I know you well enough to expect it.” He winks and turns to you._

_“Tiger... I expect you to take excellent care of our Champion, but I know that’s a given. As he is part of our family, so are you now, too. We look forward to hosting you again... so many pleasures still to sample, my dears!” He gives us a lascivious grin, and returns to the group of faeries waiting for him. As they begin to kiss and stroke each other, I gracefully step aside and tug on your hand. “C’mon, Tiger... I don’t think we’re needed for this! Kitty! Shall we return home?”_

_Keith rubs himself against my legs and leads us away from the activity; the singing, chanting, and frenzied mating._

_A hand touches my shoulder and I turn around to see violet eyes staring into mine._

_“Now, now - no enchantments, your Majesty. You got what you wanted...” I chide._

_He cocks his head to the side and touches his gleaming black crown. “Magnificent, isn’t it,” he purrs. “Even better than sharing a throne. Although I would have treated you *so nice*, Magpie...”_

_I shake my head at him. “Faeries are *incorrigible*, Tiger... on our wedding day of all days!”_

_You snort beside me._

_“Your wedding happened because of me... never forget that. Do spare a thought for poor Aconite alone on the throne, won’t you?”_

_I sigh. “I suspect you won’t have a difficult time finding pleasant company on that throne... “_

_He slides his arms around us, and kisses us both. “Oh heavens, no! But I’m fond of you two adorable humans... you will always find welcome in the Unseelie Court, and whatever pleasures you desire...”_

_He moves away from us, walking backwards. “Keith knows how to get in touch with me... should you ever want to... talk.” He laughs low in his throat, winks and flounces off._

_I sigh. “Goodness! Apparently we have an open invitation to snog a Faerie King. Who else can say that, Sebbie?” I press my lips to yours. “And yet, all I can think about is you. Ready to go home, Tigger?”_

 

 

"Yes. So incredibly ready..."

It was fun, last night with Aconite, but I am really quite desperate by now to leave this fucking place behind. No more magic tricks. No more biting goldfish, contracting rooms, fucking _portals_ instead of doors, rapist queens, or homicidal ogres. Just - you and me, and dangers I can shoot and be done with.

Keith walks in front of us to the tunnel, leaps, and lands upside down on the ceiling. Oh yeah. I'll be glad to see the back of _that_ , as well. I push my leg out, awkwardly - this is _really_ annoying - somehow make it into the tunnel, looking back to see you upside down. Ugh. I help you through, and we follow Keith crawling back through the darkness. I can't say how relieved I am when I see some light - _normal_ light, not weird upside-down smokeless torchlight. Crawling further reveals that it's just getting to dawn - wasn't there something about dawn on May Day? Like - the dew is magical or something? Whatever - I've had more than enough of magic.

Keith precedes us out of the hole, and I am delighted when I step into the green grass, smell the outside air, fresh and crisp and new, feel the wind on my skin, the dew under my feet -

wait a moment. Wasn't I wearing boots? I look down - my beautiful wedding costume has disappeared. As has yours. We're standing there, look at each other - and both burst out laughing.

Oh Amadan, you little shit...

"Well. They do say faerie gold disappears at dawn. It looks like that also applies to their clothes..."

Wait - gold –

"The rings are still there though!" I hold mine up to the light appearing over the hills in the east. The silver and stones sparkle as remarkably as they did in the cave.

"Right, my beautiful magpie... we have one pair of trousers between us," I grin. "You take the trousers, if you use the belt and roll them up they'll fit, and you can wear your own jacket. I'll wrap my shirt and my jacket around my waist so we don't shock any oncoming dog walkers..."

As I'm pulling on my boots I hear giggles - fucking faeries - no, wait - this is coming from the other direction. Two people - teenagers or young twenties - appear around the foot of the nearby hill. "Oh, sorry" - the boy says as he spots us, his face going bright red. "We didn't know this spot was... occupied..."

"We were just leaving," I reply, as casually as one can when hiding a gun under a jacket that's tied over one's naked backside. You, as always, look good enough to pose for a fashion magazine, even while wearing trousers that are much too big. “What you two up to?”

“Same as you two, it’d seem,” the girl giggles. “Making love at the fairy mound on Bealtaine morning – magical!”

Oh god, you silly, silly things. You have no idea.

I look at you, you grimace – yeah, let’s leave them to it. They’ll probably be alright.

 

 

_We walk back to the car giggling while Keith ignores our silliness. I feel positively giddy to be back in the ‘mundane’ world... I can’t believe I’d almost stayed in another realm forever... I start to sing Show Me The Way to Go Home and you join in, and soon we’re singing at the top of our lungs. Keith I’m sure is questioning his decision to come with us, and is walking far ahead of us as if to say, Don’t mistake me - I’m not with these buffoons, which just makes us sing louder._

_Show me the way to go home_

_I'm tired and I want to go to bed!!_

_Cos I had a little drink about an hour agooo,_

_And it’s gone right to me head!_

_No matter where I roooam!_

_On land or sea or fooooam!_

_You will always hear me singing this song!_

_Show meee the way to go hooooome!!!_

_He’s practically running by the time we get to get to the car, which makes us crack up completely._

_In the car, you squeeze my hand and kiss it, grinning. Then your smile fades and you’re staring at me intently. I’m sure we’re both thinking the same thing - it may be completely bizarre to find ourselves married, but how long until we can consummate??_

_“Well, darling,” I say innocently. “Best call about booking our flight back home. Do you want to stay for a bit at the B &B, or are you in a hurry to get back to London?” I look into your eyes, and my breath catches in my throat._

 

 

^-^

I _could_ just leave them to it. Become a wildcat. Live off the land; hunt... whatever it is cats hunt. Mice? There have to be mice here, right? Voles? I'm not really sure what one looks like, to be honest.

Good Bast, if they sing any more out of key I'm pretty certain the windows of the car will explode.

... and then the pheromones start up again. It must be _so tiring_ to always be in season. How do humans ever get _anything_ done?

 

 

... I am _this close_ to grabbing you, throwing you onto the back seat, and fucking you senseless - or letting you fuck me senseless, I'm not too particular. But it's technically our _wedding night_ \- and I want it to be perfect.

"I want you..." I say, my voice breaking, and your eyes looking at me - so dark - penetrating - pitch black -

I'm convinced you'll jump me -

but a moment passes, and I manage to continue speaking, "but it's our fucking wedding night and I don't want it to be in the back of a car - and I'd rather get out of Ireland entirely, because it just seems wrong for you to have your wedding night in Ireland.

So. Option one: We both swallow and think of maggots in rotting corpses; you book a jet which will get us from Knock to City as soon as possible _and_ lets us bring the cat while I drive to the B&B, we both throw stuff in a suitcase, and get home; or option two: we race to the B&B and remind ourselves why we needed an entire cottage for ourselves.

Up to you, my... beloved husband."

 

 

_I consider this, looking at you. It’s true what you say... I don’t want a wedding night in fucking Ireland. But the thought of all the steps that have to be taken to get us from fucking Ireland to bloody London is incredibly frustrating..._

_“I’ll arrange the jet...” I sigh, and make the phone call as you start to drive._

_“We have to be at the airport in two hours... soonest they could fly out. Well, at least we won’t have to rush... much.”_

_As we drive through the countryside, I think back to the last time we were driving. *God*, was it really just a day ago? A human day, anyway?_

_What’s different now - besides being *married*, besides *everything*? I feel like a ruffled cat... And beyond just processing the close calls that happened in the faerie realm, I think it also has to do with getting married without even having the time to adjust to being *in love*... it all happened so *quickly*. I’m not regretting it exactly, but it feels like having new shoes shoved onto your feet mid-walk... I need time to break this marriage thing in..._

_And in the meantime, I need some music to calm my nerves..._

_Without thinking I stretch my hand out and the next thing I know, your phone is being placed in it._

_“God, you’re good, Tiger...” I say, in shocked admiration._

_You look over smiling, and seem pleased with the acknowledgement._

_Aw... *Sebbie*. I have a lot to make up for..._

_I return to the Depeche Mode playlist, just to ground us in the feeling of pre-faerie-realm. The song sounds vaguely familiar, but not as much as the other ones..._

 

_Here is a song from the wrong side of town_

_Where I'm bound to the ground by the loneliest sound_

_And it pounds from within and is pinning me down_

_‘Bound to the ground?’ It’s getting eerie how many Depeche Mode songs seem to apply to us..._

_Here is a page from the emptiest stage_

_A cage or the heaviest cross ever made_

_A gauge of the deadliest trap ever laid_

_I shiver, and look over at you. You know the song, clearly - and you appear to be listening with rapt attention._

 

_And I thank you for bringing me here_

_For showing me home_

_For singing these tears_

_Finally I've found that I belong here_

_We’re stealing looks at each other as the song continues. You keep stroking my hand and I caress your thigh. And when we reach the B &B, we tell Keith he can wait outside if he wants, while we grab the suitcases. There must be something in our eyes, because he doesn’t argue._

_As soon as we’re inside, we’re throwing ourselves against each other._

_“We’re not having sex in fucking Ireland...” I whisper, in between kisses._

_“OK,“ you agree, grabbing my arse._

_“I mean it,” I say and pull off the jacket wrapped around you, before throwing it against the wall. I hear the gun clank on the ground, and you unbuckle my belt and yank it off._

 

 

No.

No damn it soldier, for once in your life don't let your cock rule you.

"No." I say to you. You look at me in utter bafflement - yeah. It's not like I've ever told you no before. Not to mention the fact that I've never said no to sex since you met me.

"No, Jim. I know. I feel the same. But - you'll regret it. You'll feel awkward about it. And I want our - first time as a married couple - fucking hell, Jim, is this real!? But - yeah. I want it to be something that you think about for the rest of your life with a massive grin on your face, rather than something you have mixed emotions about. So - we wait.

Let's have a cold shower. Separately."

 

 

_I stare at you in shock. “Since when do you turn down sex? Or not do what I want?? Is this what I can expect of married life with you??” I push past you, somewhat annoyed. “I do not have cold showers - *ever*. But you’re welcome to one if you like. See you later, you recalcitrant Tiger…” I walk off in a huff, holding my too-large trousers up since you just yanked my belt off violently before you declared no sex. (To me! With me!!)_

_In the shower, I come to a grumpy conclusion that you’re probably right, but I’m still not happy about being denied – anything. I exit the bathroom through the billowing clouds of steam, and find you already almost finished packing. It must have been a cold, military-style shower for you - ugh. You’re wearing army trousers and a T-shirt and boots and damn, if you’re not the hottest thing under the sun, and you’re *mine*._

_Suddenly my huffy mood disintegrates (mostly) and I wrap my arms around you from behind and press my cheek to your back._

_“Tigger,” I whisper, squeezing you tightly._

 

 

Ooooh, _someone_ doesn't take rejection well... Well, I can imagine.

Don't worry, Jim, it's not going to be a fixture of our life. I'm still doing what you want, I'm just thinking of the long run. You'll be happier about this tomorrow.

I have a quick, cold, shower; promise Little Seb _amazing_ things if he just lays quiet for a few hours more, and chuck everything we brought into suitcases, as you come out of the shower and seem a lot less grumpy than when you went in, though judging from the furnace blast that follows you out of the bathroom it was your usual lava-like affair.

You squeeze me sweetly, and I feel nearly overwhelmed when the enormity of everything that has happened in the past day or two threatens to hit me - but I tell it not now; we need to travel; once we are back home, we can be overcome by the insanity of us being in love (!?) and married (!?!?!) in an elf realm (...) but now I need my wits about me. I need to drive us to Knock, get on a plane, order a car to pick us up from City.

"Hey, Jim..." I call to you sweetly. "I packed most of your stuff, just throw whatever you had in the bathroom in your suitcase, and we're off...

Keith, do you mind sitting in the carrier when we get on the plane and in the car in London? We'll get strange questions otherwise."

I realize I don't hear an answer -

"Keith? Can you still talk to me?"

"He says he can't, you're still 'deaf'. He only could earlier because Amadan specifically sent him to get you. He says he'll send his orders via me instead," you snigger.

Oh great. I get two of you ordering me about. Just what I need - two adorable psychos ruling my life... I smile.

"Ready to go?"

 

 

_The next few hours are fairly quiet – I think we’re in shock. In the car, the sounds of Depeche Mode fill the space between us. I listen as you occasionally sing along to poignant lines, and to the entirety of Personal Jesus._

_God, hearing you sing, even when you sing off-key, I want to order you to the side of the road so I can fuck you. I’m not sure why you’re so hell-bent on waiting… I’m not even clear what it means, us being *married*… how do we do that? I feel like I’ve woken up from a very intense dream, but brought some weird element of the dream back with me that I don’t know what to do with in the real world - like a lobster butler or a hybrid machine gun/waffle maker._

_In this case, my hybrid bodyguard/husband who’s being very sweet but denying me sex._

_I think Jeeves the lobster butler would be less perplexing to me at this moment…_

_I keep looking over at you as you drive, trying to figure out what comes next, and then you do something reassuring and sweet like squeeze my hand, or smile your thousand-watt smile at me, making my stomach fill with butterflies._

_OK, *that’s* a weird fucking feeling…_

_I continue to feel butterflies throwing themselves manically at my stomach walls throughout the drive and into the flight. On the plane, I try to get the butterflies drunk so they’ll pass out, but that just makes me randy… You stand firm – no funny business until we get home. Apparently, I’ll regret it to my dying day if our first married fuck is on a plane…?_

_“You’re such a *romantic*, Tigger…” I giggle before falling asleep holding your hand._

_When you wake me up, we’re about to descend. “We’re back in London? Oh thank fucking *Christ*…” I shout, and throw my head back against my headrest. You can’t put me off for much longer, Tiger…_

 

 

I'm in soldier mode.

Not the hyper-focussed alert one, but the mindless get the mission finished and don't think or feel one.

Because if I start thinking about what happened, I'll go mad. If I start feeling, I'll jump you. If I start listening to my body, it'll tell me I haven't slept in ages oh and it really wants to jump you.

I can do this. I can see this mission to the end, where we will be in our apartment fucking the walls down, whilst Keith covers his ears somewhere, and then we'll sleep like the dead, and _then_ we'll do the thinking.

I managed to convince you to take the underground - not something you'd normally consider, but it's the middle of the day and getting a car through central London would be an exercise in frustration. It's not difficult to get a seat for you - people tend to get up if I stare at them. A few little girls are fascinated by the kitty, and you are remarkably indulgent, letting them have a look at Keith, who tarts around his carrier in exchange for high-pitched cooing noises.

Finally - _finally_ \- we get to Knightsbridge and walk home. Home. It seems like ages since we've been here. And - now we are married!?

It was one thing to believe all this when we were in Ireland. But here, in the cold hard daylight of London - is it still real?

I look at the ring on my finger. It just all feels - so illusory.

I let Keith out in the apartment and refill his food and water bowls. And then I look at you.

 


	10. The Return

_I lean against the counter, fiddling with my ring as you put out food and water for the kitty._

_Then you’re looking at me, completely befuddled and out of your element._

_“Oh god... we’re going to need to talk, aren’t we?” I rub my eyes. “All right... come to bed, darling. No, I don’t mean for sex, just yet. Let’s get comfy and express whatever we need to about what happened, and... you and me. Because,” I hesitate, looking at my ring again, “This business of suddenly finding ourselves married is odd and confusing, but - it does feel like we went into that hole in the ground separate and came out ‘you and me’. That feels real to me... can we start there?”_

 

 

I'm relieved you bring it up. Yes, I do still want to jump you, but I also haven't slept for - I don't know, a day and a half in the human realm, but it feels longer, and I am just totally out of my depth. And it seemed all the time when we were there that it was much easier on you - that you kind of understood what was happening, were comfortable with it, while I was just desperately scrambling to keep up.

We throw off our clothes, drop into bed - oh god, our own bed, the perfect firmness, the perfect pillow - and suddenly I'm stiffening.

I don't touch you in this bed. I don't kiss you in this bed. I don't cuddle you in this bed.

That is all new weirdness that happened in a dream - not here, in the real world.

I stare at you, lost.

 

 

_I'm hoping that when we get into bed, we can finally recapture what we experienced in the faerie realm that compelled us to do something so mad in the first place... (God, was that just a few hours ago??). After all, there was a lot of crying and carrying on and butchering faerie queens and death to ogres and swearing eternal love... that was all *real*... (wasn't it??)_

_But as soon as you get into bed, you get all frozen and stiff. I stare at you, aghast._

_Be patient, I tell myself. He's just been through a lot..._

_"What's going on?" I demand. "Get your arse over here..."_

 

 

Yes - yes, of course.

But - what’s going on? Well...

I move closer.

“What’s going on, Jim? Well, just that we’ve been away for like two days and suddenly everything is different. We’re married. Suddenly I can touch you, where earlier that was unthinkable. Remember, Jim?

So - sorry if I seem a bit confused, but - in two fucking days I’ve been to a faerie realm, got nearly raped by a queen, had the love of my life say he loves me, _then_ that he had to leave me forever, had to fight a fucking ogre in tiger form, oh and got married to the guy who wouldn’t even hold my hand before!

I’m an easy-going person, but this is a _bit much_!”

I realize I’m shouting.

“Sorry... I didn’t mean to shout at you. It’s just... fucking hell, Jim.”

 

 

_“Yes, there *were* shades of fucking hell, weren’t there? But that’s to be expected under the earth...”_

_I tilt my head. “Oh don’t look at me like that... I heard every word you said, darling. And fear not about the yelling... my impression of marriage is that the two go hand in bloody hand... So... where to begin, my dear Tiger...” I move closer, and lightly run my hand over your arm. “It’s... a lot to adjust to...” I say hesitantly. “And maybe we jumped the gun because we got swept away by everything that happened? And I... felt so traumatized by almost losing you, that the one thing that symbolized permanence seemed like the perfect fix. But... there’s nothing that says we can’t make our own decisions. It wasn’t legal... do you *want* to be married? I don’t know how to undertake a faerie divorce... Mail the rings back in an envelope addressed to the mound? We could tell Keith to take them back, but I have a feeling if we give him any errands, he’d tell us to stuff it.”_

_I observe the expression on your face, and for the first time, I feel like I can’t read you. Well... that’s frustrating. What the fuck?_

_“I wasn’t *suggesting* it, darling!! I was just including it in our list of options. Option 1: Faerie Divorce. Option 2: We try it and see how it goes. Option 3: We say fuck it and decide to commit ourselves to it completely. I’m *assuming* you feel the same way I do, given that you risked your life for me spectacularly... but as for me... I meant *every* word I said. And I still do, Tiger...” I reach up and touch your face tentatively. “So that’s the one I would choose... if you’ll have me.”_

_I find myself holding my breath. Oh *god*, Jimmy... why the hell did you have to word it like that? What if he rejects you???_

 

 

What - what - what!? No - Jim - wait - wrong end of the stick - oh - Jim - _shut up!!!_

"Yes!! No! I don't want a fucking Faerie divorce, or any kind of divorce! I want you! I love you, I've always loved you; I'm yours, I've always been yours... I just meant - it's all overwhelming and sudden and it seems like it happened in a dream now - I keep looking at the ring to check if it's still there, if I didn't just have a massive hallucination - fever dream brought on by bad seafood or whatever...

But - apart from all this being the craziest shit I've ever had the misfortune to experience, the _one good thing_ of the whole fiasco was that you said you loved me - do you know how long I've longed, wished, hoped against hope that you would ever say that!? I've loved you for so long - and I knew you could never - and now you do, and you want to be married to me - and I don't know what that's going to be like, or how we're going to do it, or what you're going to be like, or I, for that matter, but yes!!! I want to be married to you! Call me a starry-eyed boy, but there's a side of me that is all enchanted at the thought of 'happily-ever-after', and I don't want to do it half-arsed, because that's not like us.

But - it's going to take me some time to get adjusted - both of us, I guess, though you seem to take everything much more in stride than I do. It's just - two nights ago we lay in this bed, and the cat was lying on top of you, and I _so_ wanted to touch you, but I knew I couldn't; I'd get a snarl for it. And - now we're in this bed again and you want to _cuddle_ and we're _married_ \- and it's _everything_ I've ever wanted, but - don't blame me if I freak out?"

 

 

_I find myself in the strange position of feeling taken aback. I - who always account for every possibility, every potentiality, every nuance of every reaction you might have - am completely floored._

_"Blame you? Who's *blaming* you, darling? I'm the one who suggested expressing whatever we needed to, wasn't I??"_

_There's a hint of defensiveness creeping into my voice, a shade of irritation, which I know is not going to help, but fuck, Tiger - don't you see I’m trying??_

_Come on, Jimmy... Tiger risks his life for you constantly, *just be patient* so you can-_

_"It's a period of adjustment for me too, Tiger!! I have spent my entire *life* answering to no one but myself, doing whatever the fuck I wanted come hell or high water... and I was *proud* to be a psychopathic bastard, I'd *fucking earned it*!! Don't you think I've gone through the wringer too? in the past two days I found myself in fucking Ireland, had *my Tiger* taken away from me by some rapist faerie bitch queen... up until then *I* had been the Queen Bitch in any situation, and suddenly I was dealing with beings more powerful than me!!!"_

_I grind my teeth and my hands curl into fists. "I was fucking coerced and manipulated!! And yeah, it seemed like a sweet deal to be made king, but then you were fucking ripped away from me just as I realized I *loved* you?? When I thought I would never feel another emotion for anyone in my lifetime? It was hell for me too, Tiger!! I didn't WANT a faerie consort!! And I felt *guilty* for putting you through all of that, and I couldn't handle it!! And then I was so afraid you would get your head ogre-smashed right in front of me!! So I'm *trying*, Tiger... I've been trying for two days to keep it together and I *can't* any more!! You're the only thing that's *ever* kept me together, and now - now - " I break off, panicking and breathing erratically. "Just - please! I want you too, I love you too! I want to be a married starry-eyed boy, too!! Can't we just be fucking enchanted and fucking happily-ever-after now?? Can't we have that *now*, please??" Tears spring to my eyes, and I blink them back furiously. "Oh fucking great - this *again*??"_

 

 

Jim - _Jim_ -

_JIM…_

I grab you, pull you towards me as hard as I dare - no - Jim, don't cry, don't cry, don't be sad - never be sad -

"Jim -" I kiss your hair, your forehead, and I realize - you let me grab you, you let me hold you, while you are _crying_. You _never_ would have done that before - you'd have done anything to prevent me from seeing you 'weak'.

You trusted me before - with your life - but not with your emotions. You didn't have emotions; or if you did, they were behind _very_ heavy locked doors. I don't think I've ever seen your tears before last night - not even after nightmares; those were cold terror; shivers and dead eyes.

I have to restrain myself from pulling back and gazing in awe at this - but no - fuck off, Tiger, you're supposed to make him feel _better_ , not marvel at how amazing it is to see him like this.

"Jim, my love, my life -" _ICanSayItICanSayItICanSayItOMG_ "- yes - we can. I don't know what happened; I don't know if I'll ever get my head round it - definitely not now - but - you are everything, Jim. Everything. From the moment I met you - even when I'd just heard about you - you were the most remarkable person, the most fascinating phenomenon I could ever imagine. I've been yours from the moment I met you. And this - you being here, in my arms, like this - saying you love me - you want me - you want to be married to me - you want all this - it's the greatest thing I could ever have imagined."

Tears are pouring down my cheeks now too - that's alright - you've seen them before-

"I am still afraid to wake up - but Jim - if we can stay in this dream, if we can try this fucking _love_ thing that neither of us has much experience with - I would love nothing more. And - I'll do everything that's within my power to make you happy ever after. Because - Jim - you are the most beautiful -" tears are choking me now - go away tears, I need to say this -

"- remarkable, intelligent, sexy, fascinating, sweet, lethal man I've ever met, or could even imagine. I will live and die for you - preferably the former. I would anyway - but being able to say 'I love you' every now and again - and being able to _touch_ you - is going to make it so much sweeter..."

 

 

_"Seb... Sebbie... if this were really a dream, would I still be a manipulative shit?" I sniffle. "I'm sorry, I - don't know how to - do - this - " I burst into noisy sobs and throw my arms around your chest. "You were expressing yourself and I just had to burst in and make it about me. I'm *sorry*... Oh god, I'm still doing it, aren't I..." I weep softly as you hold me and stroke my face and murmur how it's fine and you love me and you're so happy..._

_"Really?" I lift up my wet face and ask suspiciously. "I'm n-not a manipulative shit?"_

_"No, you are... but you're perfect," you reassure me, covering my face with kisses._

_"Oh..." I consider this, brow furrowing. "I guess that's OK, then... And what was this 'if we can try this fucking love thing' business, anyway?" I demand. "Were you under the impression that I was going to let you leave this fucking love thing? Or this fucking marriage thing? I was trying to appear considerate, is all... I always get what I want, and I want you *here* with me. *Always*. God, you're sweet, Sebbie... *Fuck*, you're hot, Tiger... Is there anything else you need to say? Because if so, let's do it now. I don't know about you but I don't want to spend our entire first married day together talking and crying... at least, give me a kiss..."_

 

 

Oh yes. There was that. The waiting for the wedding night thing. Not _quite_ waiting until marriage, but quite hard nonetheless.

Speaking of hard...

I kiss you and it all suddenly seems much clearer and easier. Yes. This is good. This is right. If this is what marriage is, I’m all for it.

I’ve been wanting to kiss you for ages, but it wasn’t a thing we did; it happened, but as a hungry, possessive claim, not like this gentle exploration of each other.... soft lips on mine, a sweet tongue searching, requesting rather than demanding access, then touching mine... your mouth so tender, almost careful, like you’re afraid you’ll scare me off - me?!

I roll onto my back, pull you on top of me. My hands roam over your body - tremulous at first, convinced they're going to be called back any moment, but then more confidently, exploring every bit of you - your smooth skin, strong muscles in deceptively lean shoulders, the place where your hair ends and your neck begins, your gracious back, your gorgeous arse...

You kiss me like you've never kissed anyone before, all tentative exploration - gently nipping at my lip, licking it, giving butterfly kisses - wow, Jim. I didn't know you could be like this...

I melt like a chocolate teapot - you seem so sweet and young and timid - so unlike you... I just want to hold you in my arms and love you and protect you from anything and anyone.

 

 

_We did kiss in the faerie realm, but under extreme circumstances (spit-roasting a future faerie king; when I thought you were being taken away from me and my heart was breaking; when you didn’t die at the meaty hands of an ogre and we were declared soulmates)... so this time it feels like I can really focus, and it feels so *intimate* and I’ve *never* kissed like this before, and I feel almost... *shy*, but no, James Moriarty does *not* do that, so stop it right now and get it together, Jimmy..._

_I pull back from your lips for a moment, just to breathe. My lips feel *swollen* with your kisses. Looking into your eyes feels just as intimate; it’s like there’s nothing I can do, nowhere I can look to not be feeling this way..._

_I 'm also overwhelmed by a sense of *need* as I wrap my arms around your strong, muscular back... and I’m realizing as bizarre as it is to find myself with a husband... I *want* you to be mine..._

_“I need you, Sebbie...” I hear myself murmuring. “I’ve always needed you. You really want to stay married, starry-eyed Tigger?”_

_Fuck’s *sake*, Jimmy... my Moriarty side is rolling his eyes._

_You can piss right off, I tell him. I’m kissing my beautiful husband._

_And I do, pressing my lips against yours dreamily and running my hands through your golden hair._

 

 

You need me...

You _need_ me?

 _YOU_ need _ME!?_

James 'No one ever got to me and no one ever will' Moriarty?

What was in that faerie wine?

Is this - am I seeing behind the mask again? Seeing the real Jim?

And - the real Jim - is...

... so incredibly heartbreakingly adorable...

I look into your eyes, and you look at least twenty years younger - a small boy, vulnerable, sweet almost...

Is this you? The real Jim? Will this be the man I'm married to? This beautiful man, with eyes that tear open my heart and suck all the blood out of it, leaving it a husk, dying to be filled with life that only he can provide? Nothing new there... but the softness at the edges, the gentleness of the hands, the pleading in the eyes... that is new.

"Yes, my love... my Jim. My... husband. Huh," I giggle. "That sounds - wow. But - yes. I really want to stay married. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. And I've always been yours... So being married - I guess I already was married to you. But now you're married back..." I grin. Not sure if I'm making sense here...

 

 

_"Again, I wasn't *really* giving you a choice, Tiger..." I whisper in your ear, making you shiver. "But it's nice to be asked, isn't it?" I look at you and chuckle. "I'm joking. And I'm *not*..." I nip at your earlobe. "You hear *such beautiful things* when you ask... I had no *idea*, Sebbie..." I seek out your lips with mine and kiss you again, more deeply this time._

_"I think I could do this for days on end..." I murmur against your mouth, and move my hips slowly against yours._

_"Consummate with you for days..." I whisper, looking down at you. "Would you like that... husband... soulmate...*Tiger*?"_

 

 

"Sounds like heaven... husband, soulmate, magpie...

You were cute as a bird, Jim - but you looked a bit too tasty to my Tiger side for comfort.

Bloody hell - we were shapeshifted. I kind of remember what a Tiger feels like.

The world is mad, Jim...

But - yes, consummation, endless consummation, sounds great..."

But -

"What is that going to be like, Jim? I mean - our sex life was always - well, varied - and fucking hot - but - it was always you who decided what happened, where, when, how... is that... do you want that to change? I mean - would you welcome me taking more - initiative? Or - rather not? Or -"

Fuck, this is hard to talk about.

 

 

_Oh, right... My brow furrows. I think back to the few times you managed to wrest the reins of control from me._

_My lips quirk. "Wanna know a secret, Tiger?"_

_Your eyes widen as you stare up at me._

_"Whenever you took over, I liked it. Really liked it. But I couldn't share that with you then - and I kind of made you pay for it, didn't I..."_

_I roll my eyes. "I guess I have a lot to make up for? But yeah, I found it really fucking hot, Tiger... I like power games and I like being in control - I always have and I always will. I'm a bossy, dominating fucker - but now I'm *your* bossy, dominating fucker. You're welcome to take initiative and even take the reins, honey - just know that I *will* take them back from you. By any means necessary." I grin down at you and press my hips harder against yours._

 

 

Oh, _really_...

I grin at you, probably ferally.

“I love the stuff you do to me, don’t get me wrong... most of the time. As you are very aware...

But it would be nice to be able to be a bit more free... being able to take the reins... having a bit of a power struggle rather than a power play...”

I look at your face to see how this goes down - good, by the look of things. You’re grinning. Right...

“So... I growl in a low voice, “by any means necessary, hm? Well, let’s see...”

I grab your wrists, push you onto your back, press them over your head, kiss you predatorily. I’d _love_ to let go and devour you... how far will you let me off the leash?

 

 

_As soon as I see that look in your eye, I know what’s going to happen next. I’ll allow it - I’m feeling turned on already, and there’s *nothing* like a randy Tiger... but I’m going to have to take steps to ensure control remains firmly in -_

_*Ohhh*... *Tiger* kiss..._

_Mmmm..._

_When you let me up for air, I’m feeling breathless. “Are you *hoping* for a power struggle, Sebastian?” I tease with narrowed eyes. “Or is your inner Tiger just looking for a delicious magpie dinner?”_

_I flex my wrists in your iron grip, with an innocent look._

 

 

Good question - and surprising answer. I feel like I have some aggression pent up that I’d like to let out a little. I don’t want to hurt you - but you’re no fragile flower, and you’re mean, but you won’t play too dirty - I hope...

“Hard-won dinners are all the more tasty... show me what you got, shortbread...”

I dive down, bite your neck.

 

 

_Shortbread...?_

_*Shortbread*???_

_I glare at the ceiling. No, Jimmy... don't headbutt your Tiger on your wedding night..._

_"Mmmm" I purr, "I'd *love* to, puddin'..."_

_My hand goes straight to your balls, and I squeeze._

_As you gasp for breath, I easily slip out of your grasp and scoot to the other side of the bed._

_"Shortbread - one. Puddin' - zero." I smirk, and scan the room for non-lethal weapons._

 

 

_WHA-_

Oh you little _bastard_ -

You _do_ play too dirty, it seems.

Black spots dance in front of my eyes as you shoot off and I'm left gasping.

Your snotty comment does it - if you're not playing nice, neither am I, you little psycho...

You have your back to me - your mistake. I dive towards you, grab you around the neck, grab your arm, twist it onto your back, push you down, sit on your legs, holding your right arm on your back, your left wrist in my hand. I bend down, kiss your neck, bite your earlobe.

"One all, shortbread. If you go for my balls again, I'll bite yours off..."

 

 

_My mouth drops open, then I pull myself together and snap it shut._

_"Tiger has such sharp *teeth*..." I murmur. "I'll play nice, then... *promise*. If you let go of my hands, I'll cross my heart. And no one will have to die..."_

_I can feel my eyes gleaming and I smile patiently._

 

 

"Oh, my sweet husband... I've never known you to play _nice_ ," I grin, kissing you. "I don't think you even know what the word means. But I'll make you a deal. I let go of your hands, and you don't go for the vitals. Let's see what you got. I know you're much stronger than you look, and I know you're bloody fast - you don't need to fight dirty. We both know I'd beat you in a fair fight - but we're not fighting to win, just to let off steam - I won't harm you; try not to harm me, ok? I hear wedding nights are much more fun if your husband is not incapacitated..."

I get off you, stand next to the bed, watching you to see what you'll do.

 

 

_"I don't need to fight dirty? You're a *professionally trained* death machine, darling... but absolutely, let's level the playing field..."_

_I get up, brush my naked body against yours and shoot you a steamy stare._

_Then I glide to a safe distance and my tongue darts lewdly over my lips._

_"You want it? *Take it*..."_

 

 

I'm a professionally trained death machine? Yes, and how often have you beaten that death machine half to death?

Oh, but you little shit... I thought I said to leave my private parts alone? They're certainly touched...

Fuck, Jim, you look insanely hot at any time... but after all the time we waited - I kept myself under control with superhuman restraint -

"Fuck - you're too hot -"

I dive at you again, wrap my arms around you, throw you onto the bed, and dive next to you, grab you, my right hand in your hair, holding your head as I kiss you, hard, hungry, breaking both our lips, tasting my blood first, then yours, as I'm pulled into a heady spin -

and all I can think is _Jim_ and _fuck_...

 

 

_Your eyes glint and you look *lethal*... yes, Tiger? What’s your move, darling?_

_Will it be physical aggression or sexual aggression or..._

_*Bravo*, Seb... You’ve made an *excellent* choice. I feel myself being thrown to the bed and held down by a lustful Tiger._

_I did say I was going to level the playing field... that worked out *beautifully*._

_Oh, fuck... I may have underestimated how tightly wound up you’ve been. My lip is torn under your teeth and you’re devouring my mouth. Looks like I’m in for it now... I smile and slip my tongue past your bloody lips, a pleased rumble in my throat._

 

 

 _Jim_...

What do I do now? All I can think of is _want_ , but when the ball is in my court - which it has never been before - how do I want? What do I want?

 _I want to fuck you_...

Is that something I can do? And is it suitable on our wedding night - well - afternoon?

I look at you, and you look - oh god - so mischievous, so delighted, so delicious -

"Mine..." I growl, and hold you down as I grab for the lube on the nightstand. I pop off the cap with my thumb, press some in my hand, lube up my cock, rub my slick fingers across your entrance - mine?

 

 

_Mmm... yes, this is going *very* well..._

_You're hesitating now, though - careful, Tiger... wait a moment too long, and I'll be inside you and fucking you before you've realized what's happened._

_*OH*... this is new! I'm familiar with territorial Tiger who wouldn't have let anyone touch me without causing them critical damage (the future faerie king being an exception)... but to out and out refer to me as *yours*... *WELL*... that's bold, but then - *of course* I am. If I'm married, then I'm doing it *right*._

_Then you're lubing me up and I'm shivering and squirming with delight._

_"Yours," I breathe, almost afraid to say it. I lift my hips and open my thighs wider. "*Take me*, Tiger..." I whisper fiercely._

 

 

Oh _god_ yes - OK, that faerie stuff was a nightmare, but this is all my dreams come true at once - the good ones.

Jim Moriarty, saying he’s _mine?!_ Telling me to fuck him? Well, the latter is not _entirely_ unique... though rare.

I’m surprised to discover that my primary emotions on our wedding afternoon are aggression and possessiveness... huh. I guess I’m not as cute and loving as I thought...

Interesting to see how one changes when given power... easy to play the sweet devoted lover when in no position to do anything else - and I _am_ devoted, no doubt about that - just maybe not entirely sweet and meek...

But then you wouldn’t want a meek husband, would you? You’d eat him for breakfast.

Enough pondering. You have a marriage to consummate, soldier. And a very sexy and willing husband to consummate it with...

I’ll keep referring to you in my head as husband, and then maybe I’ll get used to it some time? It’s so... somehow of all the things we’ve encountered in the past few days, this seems the most unreal...

I position myself, slowly, very slowly, push, looking deeply into your eyes. Your eyes, so changeable at all times... they look so different, like I’ve only ever seen very few times before. Real. Deep. Like I can see into the depths of your soul. And what I see is mayhem, murder, chaos, darkness, blood... and I love it, I love you...

“I love you, Jim. I’ve always loved you... I’m yours, forever,” I whisper as I push into you, staring into those eyes, willing my words to be engraved onto your soul.

“I’ll never leave you... I’ll kill and die for you... You and me, Jim, forever...”

 

 

_Just when I think I know what’s happening (potential playful violence shifting to being taken by aggressive Tiger - yes, please!), now you’re switching gears *again* - staring into my eyes and whispering sweet, beautiful words... words I never in a billion years could have imagined being spoken to *me*..._

_Part of me is thinking, *Jesus*, make up your mind, Seb!_

_And the rest of me..._

_feels frozen._

_Not in a bad way, just - in a ‘Holy fuck, what’s happening; what do I do? What do I say to *that*?’ kind of way._

_“You and me...” I echo, remembering back to the moment in the faerie realm when I’d realized that’s what we were. At the time, we were having our very own Romeo & Juliet moment, being tragically denied the opportunity to see what we could become... And now we’re safely home, about to consummate our ridiculously fast marriage, which has thrown us both in a tailspin._

_Only you seem to be getting the hang of it, if you’re saying things like *that*..._

_And remembering how it felt to have lost you just when I ‘found’ you... I shake off the daze that I’m in and stretch up to kiss you. I stare deeply back into your eyes._

_“I love you, Tiger...” I whisper. “You and me, *forever*. Criminal soulmates... The world doesn’t know what it’s in for, darling...” I murmur, eyes gleaming._

_I smile at you fiercely and move my hips to take you deeper._

_The look on your face is worth everything we went through... *everything*..._

_“God... yes... “ I breathe, “*Fuck* me, soulmate...”_

 

 

Can do... very much can do...

This is so dizzying... everything seems kind of blurry because of the sheer insanity of it, and the fact I haven’t slept for so long, and adding to that the overwhelming lust that I _always_ feel for you, but which has just reached dizzying heights, and is mingling with love, which makes me feel drunk and high at the same time; and the knowledge that you love me - unfathomable...

My head is reeling, my brain is giving up; all there is is you; you are all I have ever known, all I ever want to know, all there is...

Jim...

I feel you around me, and I’ve felt this before, but never like _this_ ; never with your eyes open to me like that, with words being uttered that men like us shouldn’t even admit to knowing -

and slowly I pull back, and push in again, a tiny bit further, and I lose myself. I literally lose myself. I’d heard the expression before but always thought it was metaphorical. But my being, my identity, my mind, it’s all gone. All there is is you. I think there are tears on my face. I don’t care.

 

 

_Are you crying, my sweet Tiger? I'd gather you in my arms if I could, but I'm a bit occupied at the moment... and skewered on your hard cock, it's difficult to get close enough to comfort you..._

_I'll just have to trust that you'll be fine with being comforted afterwards._

_I touch your cheek with my hand._

_"I'm right here with you, darling..." I murmur._

 

 

You are on my face now as well. Of course you are. How could I _ever_ be so misguided to think that you are cold, distant, apart from me rather than a part of me?

You and I. We have always been - we will always be. You need me - you need me as much as I need you. I never saw it - I don't think you knew. But it is obvious, now.

James Moriarty and Sebastian Moran. The Champion and the Champion's Champion. Born to spread chaos, born to protect you while you do it. It's been destiny all along.

Bloody hell, I really am tired. I'm making up my own faerie tale here...

But the faerie tale is right here underneath me, and I am inside you, and you are around me, and we are one...

I move, again, out, further in - it feels unlike anything I've ever felt -

and I can't move my eyes away from yours.

 

 

_I'm making pleased sounds in my throat as you move and I'm trying to keep my eyes open because we have a 'staring deeply into each other's souls' thing going on which I never understood before, but I *get it* now..._

_(God, what else am I going to have to change my mind about??)_

_But it's feeling so intense now that every few thrusts, my eyelids flutter shut and I groan loudly._

_"Oh god, Tiger..." I pant. "Married sex is way fucking hotter than I ever would have thought..."_

 

 

"Isn't it just..." I stare at you, unable to believe that you, this unattainable figure, love me... and that I am allowed to say I love you... allowed to touch you, kiss you, do all kinds of impossible and sweet things -

_and fuck you_

You are feeling so amazingly good, but it feels like you are part of me, not like I am a separate entity who is being pleasured; we are experiencing pleasure together, as one - it's like making love on ecstasy - it just feels perfect, mind-blowing, otherworldly - like I've unlocked the secret of life and love, impossible and unattainable before, now mine to experience.

 

 

_I push my pelvis against yours over and over, driving you deeper into me._

_I'm breathing deeper as I do, throwing my head back and moaning as the pace increases._

_"You're so - *bloody* - hot - Tiger," I say breathlessly. "*Fuck*... I'm getting close..."_

 

 

 _Jim_ -

You feel so fucking _good_ -

"I love you, Jim - I love you so fucking much - fuck - Jim -"

Our pleasure is reaching its climax -

I reach for your cock to complete it -

"Come with me, Jim... come with me, my husband... my soulmate... my everything..."

 

 

_"*Fuck yes* I will," I groan. "*Tiger* - my husband, my soulmate, my champion... *I love you*..."_

_Your hand on me is all it takes to push me over the edge and soon I'm all shuddering limbs and moaning as I'm thrusting against you._

_"*God.. yes*..." I gasp out. "Oh *fuck*, Seb..."_

 

 

Our pleasure explodes into fireworks and angel song, our entire body spasming in gulfs of ecstasy as we soar over the moon...

Bloody hell. I never - I didn't know this could be -

This cocktail of love and sex is _unbelievable_. My heart has exploded to fill my entire body, as well as yours - one entity and the entity is pure rapture -

What is _happening_ , Jim?

 

 

_I’m incapable of thought or movement. I’m just struggling to get my breathing back to some semblance of not being a panting mess. You’ve collapsed on me, and in the past I would have shoved you off, but right now - I like it. You make to move off me, but my arms snake around you. Just another moment as one, Seb... I lie contently, feeling your cock softening in me._

_“Well... round 2 will be me. Raised the bar rather fucking high, didn’t you?”_

_You pull back to look at me, and I smile at you. “Challenge accepted,” I say softly, and caress your hair._

 

 

"Jim..."

I am floating like a feather, slowly back to earth.

"Jim, that was... fuck... Wow. If that's what married sex is like, and I get a vote in things, you know we're never ever going to leave this bed, right?"

My limbs are so heavy... I'm going to have to slide off you, or I'll collapse on top of you and never be able to move.

Reluctantly, I move and drop down by your side.

"Jim... you are so beautiful..." I say, looking at your angelic face... and though I struggle, I feel myself sinking deeper, deeper into the bed, until all is soft warm blackness smelling of Jim...

 

 

_I watch you as your eyelids droop, and you lose the fight to exhaustion. “Aw... Puddin’. That was too much for you, wasn’t it... you sleep, darling.” We can’t all be more than human, I think smugly. I should go check on the kitty..._

_And then I’m tumbling, tumbling, tumbling down a dark hole..._

 

 

I'm fighting the ogre and I am doing well, I'm winning, I'm still in Tiger form... But then two new ogres come out of the tunnel and charge me together. I am fast but I can't keep avoiding all of them... and I'm getting tired and my tail hurts...

And then a magpie flies into the arena and goes for their eyes, and I'm panicking, because their huge hands are _so close_ to grabbing you, and they'll crush you - no - Jim - be careful -

I jump and try to claw one's chest and bite his throat, but you fly in the way, and I have a mouth full of feathers and I _bit_ , and I panic, and fall to the ground, and I taste blood - NO - Jim -

"JIM!!!"

I shoot upright.

It's bright outside still - we can't have slept long. My heart races - I look beside me, where you open your eyes.

 

 

_... I land in a heap before a throne. Oh, Jesus..._

_I look around. I’m not *really here*, am I??_

_What if Amadan changed his mind??_

_I jump up and look around the cave. Amadan wanders in wearing a red silk dressing gown and...black bunny slippers??_

_“Magpie! Did you miss us already?” He yawns and throws himself on the throne, and starts eating what looks like a bowl of ice cream with flower petals._

_“Amadan! Did you *bring me back*?” I demand._

_“Oh, don’t be that way...” he pouts. “I just wanted to check in and make sure you were happy with your decision... is Tiger treating you well?”_

_“Of *course* he is...”_

_“And you’re enjoying the honeymoon?” He smirks. “If you’d stayed, it would have been legendary... as the guests of honour, you could have had anyone you liked, dearest... ”_

_I give him a spectacular eye-roll. “I’m surprised you’re not still at it, *dearest*...”_

_He waves his hand. “Just refuelling...”_

_“Taking an ice cream break from the faerie fuck fiesta?”_

_He looks shocked. “Darling. This is *gelato*, I’ll have you know...”_

_“You have goblins making gelato?” I ask, picturing what a faerie kitchen would look like._

_“Of course not... They pop out through a portal into the human realm and they steal it.”_

_“Faerie portals would be very handy for stealing things, yes...” I say slowly, my brain gradually coming back online._

_Amadan rolls his eyes. “Stop thinking of work. You’re on your honeymoon... There will be plenty of time for capers and hijinks later...”_

_I grin. “I really should be getting back. Nice bunny slippers, by the by. Enjoy your gelato and your Bealtaine celebrations...”_

_He crosses one leg over the other and shows off his footwear. “You too, Magpie... your anniversaries will be such a treat every year!” He takes a bite of gelato and makes a pleased sound. “I’ll make sure to send you some of that delicious energy from the mound, every year...” He licks his spoon lasciviously and gives me an innocent smile._

_“What? What does that-”_

_“In fact... have some for the honeymoon...” he says with a grin and throws a shimmering red cloud at me._

_“Amadaaan,” I call as I find myself floating up through a dark tunnel. “What was that??”_

_I hear mad laughter from below. “You’re welcome! Make sure Tiger gets plenty of water and gelato!”_

_I hear you calling me loudly and I panic. I struggle up through the blackness -_

_\- and wake up in our bedroom. You’re sitting up in bed, looking down at me, wide-eyed. I grab your arm. “Tiger? Are you all right??”_

_“Just a dream... Jim, are you - wearing bunny slippers??”_

_I look down and sigh. “Can’t send us back with a stitch of clothing, oh *nooo*... but bunny slippers present no problem, Amadan??”_

_I hear the faint sound of maniacal giggling in my head. Jesus... and I thought I was mad before..._

 

 

I rub my forehead. Any thoughts of this _maybe_ all having been a dream have now been well and securely smashed... I guess overall I’m happy with that. I am not too fond of the idea of some trickster god interfering with you in your dreams, but it is more than made up for by the fact that you love me and we have got married. I mean - it was a bit fast and everything, but I’ll take a rushed wedding over the cold uncaring Moriarty I used to know and love any day.

“What happened? Did you dream of him? Or were you actually there? No - I would have noticed if you’d physically disappeared... but - in spirit? I guess he’s not going to leave you alone, is he?”

I fall back onto my pillow. “I guess it could be worse - I mean, you could still be there, or I could have been ogre food - but it’s a bit unnerving that he can sort of grab you out of bed. As your bodyguard, that makes me nervous. And as your doting husband, it pisses me off.”

 

 

_I smile at you slowly. "Possessive, are we?" I slide my arms around your neck. "Mmm, I *like* the thought of you snapping and growling at things interfering with your husband. But then you are the Champion of the Champion..." Dreamily I kiss your lips._

_"Yes, I dreamed of him, but it didn't feel like a dream - it felt like being there. And I can't tell you how happy I am that it's all over, even if it's not *over over*... but it can't hurt having a faerie godfather watching over you, right? I really need to find out about how those faerie portals work..." I say, my eyes narrowing._

_Then I look back at you with a grin. "What do you think? Are they me?" I jump up onto the bed and model my bunny slippers for you, naked. "The red eyes are a nice touch, aren't they... Sebastian... you're not *looking at them*," I say archly, seeing your eyes everywhere but my feet._

 

 

“You can call it possessive, I prefer the word protective. I mean - it wouldn’t be the first time one of us is dragged away by an elf unable to understand the word no. Maybe we should start wearing iron to bed... just to be safe. An iron ring or something...”

 

 

_I fall back down to the bed, feeling sulky. "Yes, yes, iron rings... brilliant. I *asked* how I looked, and you *didn't say anything*... is this what I can expect out of marriage, Sebastian? You ignoring me, and... not giving me compliments??" I cross my arms and glare at the ceiling._

 

 

Oh. Whoops. Protective jealous Tiger got in the way of always-horny Tiger, and Magpie is not amused that his shiny gifts weren't applauded enough. I guess I still am a bit confused by everything that happened.

"I'm sorry my beauteous husband. You are the most tantalizing, ravishing, alluring man I've ever been lucky enough to lay my eyes on, despite the bunny slippers. Could I tempt you to take them off for me so I can see you in your full naked beauty?"

 

 

_I roll my eyes. “*Of course*, Tiger...” I reach down, pluck them off my feet and throw them at you. “Better?”_

 

 

I pick them up - they feel like real fur - oh, of course, they would be. Nervously I check the eyes - but they appear to be just glass, or some kind of gemstone. I drop them on the floor, turn my attention back to you.

"My apologies, my beautiful Magpie... what can I do for you? Should I compare you to a summer's day?"

 

 

_“*Mmmph*. That’s a good start....” I pout, still staring at the ceiling. “I would just *hate to think* I’ve lost your adoration and admiration and attention already... or *ever*... What else have you got for me?”_

 

 

Oh god, you peacock...

"You know I adore the ground you walk on..." I reply. "Your hair is like spun black silk, your eyes hazel with flecks of emerald. Your skin is ivory, ruby are your lips - ow! I was on a roll there!"

 

 

_“Oh, shut it, darling,” I say, my irritation fading. “Just get over here and adore me, and I’ll forget the whole thing... Honestly, Seb - what did you *think* it was going to be like being married to me? Are you considering faerie tale divorce again?” I narrow my eyes at you._

 

 

"Never, my gorgeous magpie..." I smirk and pounce on top of you, pull you upright and turn you so you're sitting on the edge of the bed, dive onto my knees before you. I grab your hands and look up at you.

"Jim - in all seriousness. I have adored you from before I even met you. I don't know if I saw some of Amadan's divinity in you, or if it's my admiration for your superhuman intellect combined with your rock-hard will and beauty - but I've always worshipped you. That didn't change when I fell in love with you - and it's not going to change now you love me too - I just feel incredibly awed by that."

I release one hand, gesture at myself. "I am still on my knees in front of you; I will still do anything you say, let you do anything you want - because it is who I am. That won't change just because we have now a more... democratic relationship. And I wouldn't want it to change.

I don't want to be my god's equal. I just want to be as close to him as I can get, and make him as happy as humanly possible."

I rise on my knees, wrap my arms around you, bring my face to yours, kiss you softly.

 

 

_I fall silent as you speak and by the end I'm speechless._

_There's a feat in itself, Tiger..._

_I just watch you wide-eyed as you sink to your knees and say the most beautiful things I've ever heard._

_After you kiss me, I huff out a breath and shake my head._

_"Well, that's... the most absolutely perfect thing you could say. But then, you're the most absolutely perfect thing in this world for me I've ever encountered... truly."_

_I cast my eyes down for a moment and then look back at you._

_"I'm terrible at *thank you* and *sorry* and all those human things... and I have only felt those things for exactly three people in my life. The first two were my mother and brother Georgie, and - it's not a nice story, but I'll tell you - one day. You are the third, Sebastian. *I'm sorry* for the way I've treated you, and I fully intend to be good to you, even though - well, let's face it - I'll still be an insufferable prick but you married me, so. Your eyes were open going in, no take-backs." I squeeze your hand and take a deep, shaky breath._

_"And as for *thank you*... oh, *Sebastian*... I'm alive and together as I am because of you. I'm well aware that even with Amadan looking out for me, I would have died without your protection many times over, and - *even worse*, my heart would still be a petrified black rock. Beautiful and sexy and cool, sure..." I shrug. "But hard and unfeeling as a rock. *You* have done the impossible, darling... *You* have breathed life into the heart of James Moriarty, and that's something not even the Dark Fool could do... so I thank you from the bottom of my heart, which is yours now anyway. I give it to you for keeping, because I know there's nowhere safer, and nowhere else I'd want it to be. I love you, my sweet Sebastian. More than anything else in this world... and beyond." I slip onto the floor and kiss you deeply._

 

 

You're speaking and my mouth drops open - I don't know at which point tears start streaming, but my cheeks are well and truly wet when you move down onto the floor ( _really!?_ ) and kiss me.

All the things you said - all those things - I never would have thought it possible to hear from you.

_Perfect for me._

_I'm sorry for the way I treated you._

_Thank you._

_My heart is yours._

And _I love you._

Which you've said before, but still sounds unreal.

And here you are, in my arms, kissing me like it's the most natural thing in the world, you who seemed so tremulous a few hours ago - you're a fast learner, my darling... you're a natural. Your kiss feels deep, loving, passionate, generous - everything a kiss from James Moriarty should not be.

But you are still _you_ , so palpably you; except - more. You seem more yourself than you were before. Yes, the cold-hearted cruel murderer is you, but this sweet loving warm being is you, as well - I just have _more_ James Moriarty now.

Or - James Moriarty, and Jim.

My Jim.

"Jim..." I whisper against your cheek.

"I can't - I can't say how much that means to me. All you said. Everything. It's - unimaginable. A faerie tale, truly... " I grin.

 

 

_I grin back at you, my hands curled around your neck. “A faerie tale... about criminal soulmates. Quite the dark bedtime story, Sebastian... I like it. Tell me... does the kinky honeymoon come at the end (yes, Sebastian - I heard it. Haha...), or the beginning of another faerie tale? Because I meant what I said - I’m going to need days and days of consummation for this marriage to sink in.” I press against you and look up into your eyes. Then I lick my lips._

 


End file.
